It was bound to happen but it finally happened march 23 2005. Because of my surpressed deep down fear and denial of growing up and clinging to a lifestyle's past, I lost a girl that would do anything for me and loved me whole heartedly and I the same. We met on january 7, 2002 and it was instant attraction at first sight. I had never been in a relationship before and i was still 19 years old. and when i say NEVER i mean never. In high school i was the guy that spent most of his time playing video games, surfing the net when it was pretty new, and generally just hanging out with guys. i met girls here and there but i was so unready for relationships i just messed around a lot and never took anything even remotely serious or tried. I'll also admit that I am a mama's boy since i was only raised by a mother and have been very spoiled since i was little and getting my way and living the easy life and having or wanting nice things has just been a way of life for me. I started the relationship but deep down now that i have spent many days examing everything that went wrong i realize as i mentioned above that my surpressed fear of becoming a man was already permeating the relationship but things were too bloomy still for anyone to notice. Let me go over what i define as this "surpressed fear of growing up". I was out of high school by the age of 17. I am considered very intelligent and practical by those that know me well. I had a mother that was willing to put me through college at all costs and yet i didn't go right away. I said "ahh i'm only 17 ill go at least when im 18". Fast forward a year and i still haven't gone and enrolled and i've been doing nothing but just having fun and working bullshit jobs. By this point im 19, still young and much dumber, and still living the easy life of home and not going to school. I suddenly got this crazy idea to just join the army instead and use that for college. i went in for 4 months but got ejected on a medical so there goes that. not that any of it was wrong but this was definately a major blow to my psych. I come back and even though the semester for fall had not started in 2001 i STILL did not enroll. why couldn't i move forward in life? why did i always think that i can wait i can wait? so i go through that fall season and back onto the topic at hand. The beginning of a relationship that would change me forever in the end. we met jan 7 but by march she was facing some issues with her family and had almost no where to go so i told her to come and move in with me and my mother and sister. she moved in and the months just FLEW. Here's where it started going wrong. By fall i had grown completely comfortable knowing that i had my gf right there on hand 24 hours so i basically felt like i never had to make a effort to do anything anymore because i had seen us living together AS spending time together already. Being the huge computer geek that i was i started to think it was ok that i'd play videogames all night practically daily staying up till 6 am while she just sat on the bed in my room behind my desk and watched tv everyday. she was absolutely bored as shit but never complained and for some dumb reason i thought everything must be ok then. she had her job at a olive garden waiting tables and making good money and i had begun an even bigger mistake. by this point of being together almost a year by the beginning of 2003 i was totally in the wrong state of mind and being. Before i had met her i could keep jobs and work hard and make money for all that i needed. But my surpressed fear of growing up was kicking and my lifelong spoiling by my mother was showing its face. i was waiting tables when we first met but after a year i had NO JOB. I had however started school in fall of 2002 but it was basically a half assed attempt as my mind just wasn't there and i took very few classes. i spent most of 2003 and the later part of 2002 having practically no job or working jobs here and there and were absolutely pathetic as i didn't want to wait tables anymore because i had become completely lazy at this point. and YET despite my not having a steady job, and spending WAY too much time playing video games, and to top it all off, not having very many friends and absolutely no desire to go out ANYWHERE with her.. she stayed with me and just sat there idling away whenever she wasn't working. Don't get me wrong. by 2003 she was definately crying and bitching at me a lot trying to get me to change and just DO SOMETHING and give her more attention, i basically made no effort to be a man and grow up. 2003 was a wasted year for me and probably the most trying time for her in her completely wasted time because of my refusal to accept that i am a man already and that the lifestyle of playing games, staying up late, and going out with guy friends all the time, and not having to care about jobs was over after i turned 18. i spent the last half of 2003 getting into star wars galaxies which COMPLETELY consumed my time and when i look back now i am completely disgusted as to how much time i spent on there and the time i made her sitting around doing nothing but cry and be sad feeling that her life was worthless. now let's fast forward to 2004. i started what would become my first long term job that would last january- august. On one hand she was happy that i was making the effort to stay at a job now BUT the thing was this was a job that was friday-saturday-sunday. graveyard shift 11pm-7am on probably what are considered the most important days to anyone under the age of 40 as far as having a social life. i was working security for a really nice hotel and NOW i was going to work surfing OT and watching cable tv all night. and THEN coming home and playing star wars galaxies on the weekdays. and yet even despite all that even when i felt it nagging at my brain that i have spent the last 2 years absolutely wasting the best years of my life and hers i STILL kept doing what i was doing. I just seemed determined to act and live as if i was still 17 and responsibility free. by this point everytime she cried i always shrugged it off and just told her it's all in her head and that nothing's wrong and that we are doing ok and everything's fine. I was in complete denial that i was on the LOSER track in life and that my ability to be a man in the relationship instead of a clinging little boy didn't exist. Mind you reading this... my jobless days of late 2002- late 2003, she was busting her butt at work, making money and paying all the bills including the car AND credit cards that I racked up because as i said. i was spoiled and still wanted all the cool things and i had turned my gf into a mother figure as if by pure habit of lifelong stimulus. she was making money paying all the bills, cleaning the house, ALL while i was just having fun, racking up bills. she knew by this point in 2004 that i was a mama's boy and i had gone from depending on mom to depending on her and she DID NOT want a man she would have to take care of for the rest of her life. so lets fast forward from the stale spring to summer of 2004. we moved up to the northwest side of my city into a new and much bigger home my mom purchased and I, completely in my comfort zone i had been living for too long saw this new house as a heaven. It was like. wow now me and the gf have this huge room to live in, a spare room AND a really big area upstairs complete with home theater. This did not help though the horrible mindset i was in. This was definately not going to encourage me to get off my ass and do college and get a real job and take care of my gf and get our own place. no in fact it completely made me worse. i was in this totally almost hypnotic state of still living like a 17 year old. the same old boring routine continued. i played games and she sat in the room watching tv generally. on the one hand i was making money at the security job i had but on the other i was completely lacking any will to have a social life and take my gf places. why couldn't i fucking snap out of it and do something with my life and my relationship and break all the old habits? maybe never having a dad i never got the kick in the ass that we all needed growing up. but i won't blame anyone. i only blame myself. so things somewhat start getting better for her way of life by the end of summer 2004. she got a job at a new restaurant and a lot of the people there are really cool and she started making some friends. but things got stale and from late summer 2004 up until dec-jan 2005 things stayed the same. no social life. no motivation on my part to take college seriously. no motivation to ever treat her like a special woman in my life. everything was still routine, mundane, and depressing. through the years she has always threatened to leave and i would cry and beg her to stay and things would go good for a few weeks and i had always slipped back into the old surpressed growing up shitty mindset i carried for so long. everytime i talked about college i was always trying to find the fast way. 6 month program this. 1 year that. 2 year program this. never a degree. just fast things to get a better job and start a life. but i never did anything. all talk and no action. i was scared and didnt know it. i was trapped in a comfort zone that i denied myself the eyes to see it and crush it after so long. but she was angry with me. i had to quit the security job because it was so far but what do i go and do? I GET A JOB selling video games at a known national retailer that your lucky if they even give you more than 20 hours a week and total minimum wage. so there i was making shit for money, barely doing school, and still playing games. starting from january up until last month though things definately picked up for us. she made friends at work and we finally had a good social group and going places and i even started waiting tables again with her at the same job. we were finally happy to an extent despite my still apparent lack of care of growing up and and becoming a man and moving forward and still heavy video game habits. money was good, bills were easily paid but the stress of the previous 3 years and my still overall lack of change had already taken its toll. In february through a friend of ours we had met a new friend. a single guy who was really nice and jennifer took an instant liking to him. how could she not? he had a ton of money, his own place, he was going to school, he's smart, and most of all... the attention she craved that i had barely ever given her was finally coming from someone else. they developed feelings for each other and by march 23 10 days ago to this writing. she finally left me and got together with him and moved in with him. it was a extremely hard decision for her. over the years i had somewhat trained her to accept staying home everyday doing nothing and having almost no friends. we both accepted and it became a way of life for her as well and she loved me. god she really loved me and was always willing to do ANYTHING for me. but you can only hope in someone for so long with no sign of change before you start to have to do something about your own feelings and life.. ********************************** ok that is the end of the chronicle and he is where i talk about the what i now call the "revolution" i've had in my mind since last march 23. i was in a state of shock the day after and the next 4 days after. i was a zombie at work and a zombie at home. i was completely inconsolable. and then i finally broke the spell of surpression and spoilment. i realized that video games were a complete waste and destructive element of my life. i realized that since way before her i was already scared of growing up and thats why i never get anywhere in school because school meant growing up. i realized how lazy i had been and how stupid i was for being so lazy pretending i was still a teen. i realized what a fucking waste of my life, trying to avoid social occasions, parties, going out, and overall not BEING a man towards myself, friends, and the most special person to me of all. HER! I realized last week i had become a mama's boy to my own girlfriend over the years. It finally hit me after the months and years of denial sitting in my computer chair with her doing nothing that what i was doing was not right and that she wasnt happy and neither was i. i realized my total denial of all problems living in a fantasy world. I realized i had gone from 180 pounds and 6' 1" to 250 pounds currently and that i hated it. I have been evaluating myself for the past 11 days now and have completely changed mentally. i look at myself now and KNOW that i am a man. i have a future i have to form. i have to go to fulltime school and get that bachelors degree. i have to exercise. i have to make more friends. and that i had to stop thinking about myself and my entertainment and to start. i have to work hard at any job that i am at. FUCK YOU PHILIP 1997-2005 R.I.P. i am a new person now. i have been dieting and exercising hard. i have been talking to everyone. i am no longer going to surpress my feelings in fear of looking like a man because thats what a man does. HE OWES UP TO HIS ACTIONS AND MAKES THE EFFORT TO NEVER MAKE MISTAKES AGAIN. the days of fear and surpression and denial are over. and i vow the next relationship i am, she will NEVER know what once existed. life is too short for me to continue my old ways. most importantly before i end this. jennifer knopp, you have been the most important influence of my life. If it wasn't for you i'd still be in the horrible mindset i've been in for way too long. i love you with all my heart for all that you had put up with and were willing to do for me and have done for me. i regret everything i've done wrong to you and for all the things i should have done and said but never did because i wasn't ready to be a man yet. and wish i could give you all those years back. I wish you happiness and a good life from here on out. no amount of apologies and my own tears will ever make up for all that you've been through. i know that you loved me and trully wanted to be with me and i understand that leaving me was something you HAD to do. i love you, i love you and i will never stop loving you. I hope one day you can forgive me. I will always be here for you.