SRS anonymous post -- I feel as if I murdered somebody (VERY LONG)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by 7960, May 8, 2009.

  1. 7960

    7960 New Member

    Oct 17, 2004
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    New England
    (anonymous posted, this isn't me)

    Several years ago I met a girl in college. We started dating and dated for over 2 years until we split up. The reason for us parting ways, was because she was ready for the next step, whereas I wasn't. There was an age gap of 5 years between us.

    We still spoke during our break up and went out and we got intimate once. I thought, we were going to come back together, however only later did I realize we weren't going to come back unless I was committed to getting married. I didn't want to get married at such a young age, primarily because I wasn't financially stable and again, the age gap. I was 22 and she was 27.

    After spending some time with her, I realized she started dating other men. Curiosity got to the best of me, and I would ask her questions about these men. Questions such as their profession, where she met them etc etc. She was dating successful and educated men such as an engineer, physician, teacher, etc etc. This made me really jealous; making me feel completely "small" inside and lost much of my self-confidence.

    I realized I do love this person, so in October, we went to the court house and got married. I did this behind my parent's back. We got an apartment together. She lived in the apartment and I lived at home. On weekends, I would spend time at the apartment. My parents disapproved of the relationship due to the age difference and due to her past history. I didn't tell my parents for quite sometime until the incident that happened last month.

    Last month, marked our 6 month anniversary of our wedding. We went out for lunch and she told me that I have 2 weeks to tell my parents or she's going to do it. That night, I got a phone call from her that she's on her way over to my house to tell my parents everything. I freaked out! I woke my Mom up first, and told her what happened & she told my Dad.

    At that moment, I realized, I no longer wanted to be with this person. Not sure what happened to me, but it just happened. She came inside to my parent's house & we all talked inside. My father stated, "since you didn't want to tell us you were getting married and didn't want to involve us, we don't want to get involved in this anymore. you two are both adults, and can make the decision on your own." In front of my parents, I told her, I didn't want to be with her anymore, and I wanted a divorce.

    She broke down crying asking me "what happened" "why" etc etc. I told her that we weren't on the same page. She wants a family - I don't. She wants to settle down - I don't. I realized all of this, after we got married.

    Now, we haven't spoken for quite sometime. This individual had an illegal immigration status, and I was going to help her file for her papers. However now, she just finished college and is going to go back to her home country.

    The point of this thread is, I feel as if I ruined her one & only chance to make something of her life. This person worked over 40 hours a week and graduated honors in her field of science. The guilt is tearing my up inside, to what I did to this individual. I was eating dinner today, and thought about all this, and lost my appetite. I am a monster and this person didn't deserve not one bit of what I had done to her.
  2. Soren

    Soren OT Supporter

    Oct 9, 2002
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    Why is it your obligation to get her immigration status approved? You don't owe her anything and in fact her immature attitude of going behind your back to screw up your relationship with your parents is devilish and unforgivable. I wouldn't feel guilty at all.
  3. zatotheck

    zatotheck New Member

    Apr 19, 2008
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    Sometimes we make choices that are best for us and not necessarily best for someone else. Your only regret in this situation should be letting your emotions control your decisions. Logic told you that you were not financially stable, that you were not ready for marriage, and that the age gap was is a significant problem. Your emotions told you that you should get married to satisfy your insecurities.
    You did redeem yourself by deciding to get a divorce. Did you really hurt her chances of obtaining legality by divorcing her? Yes. Did she have less of a chance than she did prior to her marrying you? Probably not. Theres a point to consider.
    Would you be badgering yourself as much if you decided to never marry her and that resulted in her not obtaining papers?
  4. amac88

    amac88 New Member

    Sep 19, 2007
    Likes Received:
    Plano, Texas
    My fiancee and I are getting married next year. Weve talked about it alot, and never hid it from anyone. You two apparently werent ready to get married. I would move on and, as hard as it may be, forget about her. Find someone who wants what you want. Im younger than you, but Ive lived through my "partying" days, and am ready to have a marriage and family. Everyone is different, find someone who wants the same things you do and is close to your age. Theyll make a much better partner.

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