SRS (anonymous thr)My boyfriend's best friend is female and I'm not sure I'm okay with it

Darketernal

Watch: Aria The Origination =)
As the title suggests, my boyfriend's best friend is female. Normally I'd be completely okay with that (and I was for a good amount of time) but I'm just not anymore.

I'll explain why.

To my knowledge they've been friends for nearly 4 or 5 years now (way before I was in the picture) and are really close. They go to each other for advice, talk every day, etc. After he broke up with his ex nearly two years ago he thought he started to having feelings for his friend but it never went anywhere for various reasons. Some of the reasons include him not wanting a relationship, still having feelings for his ex, and his disagreement with her personal choices. He even said to me once that he could never date her because of some of the choices she makes regarding her personal life such as going back to guys, cheating on them to get revenge, etc (this was prior to us dating; while we were just friends giving each other awkward dating advice while we both were figuring out our feelings for each other). Plus, to be honest he's not really her type of guy at all (I've gathered this from chit chatting and hanging out with her).

I knew from the beginning that a lot of his friends were girls and I was okay with that. The ones I've met are great and, though protective over him like a brother, they really like and accept me. Fast forward to a few months into our relationship (and please, look at this part with an open mind), long story short he kissed his best friend on a drunken night out with her. It was awkward, unplanned, no feelings were involved, and she doesn't even remember it. He called me in tears a few hours after it happened (because I was on vacation, otherwise he would have told me in person) and he honestly thought it was going to be the end of our relationship. It was obvious that it tore him up inside and was one of the most excruciating things he's ever had to deal with. After a long conversation, I decided that our relationship was worth more to me than that so I told him it wasn't over and he said he was going to do everything he could to gain my trust back and undo the hurt he caused me (and he did).

It's been a while since that happened and our relationship is still very strong (I'll even venture to say that it's stronger than it would have been had that never happened). He didn't talk to her for a while because he know how to approach the issue and felt that he would make me upset by talking to her (believe me, at first it did but I made a vow to try and gain the strength to essentially "get over it").

The first few weeks they were talking again it was really awkward but eventually they sat down, had coffee, talked about what happened, and he decided that he didn't want to lose me as a girlfriend or her as a friend (even though it was his own mistake that got him into this mess).

Since then we've hung out on multiple occasions and I really don't mind the girl... but a small part of me is uncomfortable with them hanging out together without me (or without another friend whom I trust) especially if alcohol is involved. He's reassured me multiple times that he has no feelings for her, that she's only a friend, and that going through what we did was one of the hardest things he's ever gone through so it will never happen again (he even said if he had an interest in her or another girl he'd break if off with me because it's not fair). As much as he tells me that I simply cannot get over the fact that it happened.

(Okay so that wasn't a short story...oops.)

I think the reason I've become increasingly anxious about it recently has to do with his texting. He seems to text her all day every day and, regardless of what they're talking about, it makes me feel ignored and uncomfortable. I could be in mid-sentence talking to him at dinner and he'll look down at his phone and reply to her (or whoever else is texting him, but 85% of the time it's her) and not hear a word I say. I now just stopping talking while hes texting and pick up my sentence after he's done. It doesn't typically bother me at first, but after the 4th time in a conversation it starts to get old and I get frustrated and upset. It interrupts a lot of our conversations and I honestly think it's rude and he simply doesn't understand that (and seems unwilling (or uninterested) to want to change it).

Recently, I had a realization about the whole texting thing. She was out with a bunch of gal friends (I knew this because she was texting me about something we were planning) and she was texting him (I also knew this because I was hanging out with him that night). I don't know what they were texting about (and frankly it's none of my business) but since she was drinking it made me nervous and I didn't like it (especially after she invited him to come out with them, but that's another story.. (fyi he didn't go)). I really love him and I hate feeling this way but I get really uncomfortable around her sometimes and feel guilty because of it (because she's his best friend). I would never ever imagine making him choose between her and I but it's honestly getting to the point where I feel like he should not constantly text her while he's spending time with me.

All in all, after that night, it got me to thinking and I concluded that I'm not completely over the whole thing like I thought I was.

I honestly don't think it's going to happen again but a part of me gets extremely anxious and borderline upset when he mentions hanging out with her one-on-one especially if I know drinking is going to happen. It's almost like it triggers my memory to relive the experience when he mentions hanging out with her.

I really don't know what to do and I don't want to feel this way anymore... please help.

(PS. I've talked to him about all of the above issues I just really need outsiders opinions on this right now)
 

4W4K3

New Member
Dec 31, 2004
5,051
TX
It was obvious that it tore him up inside and was one of the most excruciating things he's ever had to deal with.
If that's the hardest thing he's ever done in life, accidentally kissed a girl other than his girlfriend on a drunken night, he may be a little inexperienced for a "serious" relationship. It sounds like you're very serious about this, otherwise I'd let this comment go. But, really? This should have simply slid off both of you and not rocked your entire relationship for weeks. It sounds like a complete accident, maybe it could have been better avoided, but it happened and you should both move on.
You both sound a little insecure. Understandably more so for you, because he has a good friend that is female and spends time with and talks to a lot. I'm the same way, I have girl friends that I text all day long and go to the movies with and even sleep over with if I need to. Many of them I've never even kissed, or held hands with, or anything. It is strictly friends, and I wouldn't want to chance that friendship by going further. A guy CAN say that and be sincere (IMHO), but of course not everyone will feel the same. It comes down to trust; and yours sounds a bit shaky after they kissed.

Make a rule - When you're out on a date you BOTH leave your phones in the car. No phones in restaurants or wherever you go. Any ultimatum you make, has to be for you too though, otherwise it wouldn't be fair.

Tell him his attachment to her seems too extreme. You don't mind they are friends, you don't mind they hangout and talk, but when it's just you and him he needs to focus on you. In a way, he needs to show you he is not constantly thinking about her in the back of his mind while he is with you. The text messages seem to be a direct intrusion on your relationship together.

I'd say something like that and see what kind of response you get. That's all I can think of. Hopefully he catches on. Good luck!
 

Tevin

Member
Sep 11, 2010
453
I would let one drunken kiss go. Yeah, was a real bad move on his part but he fessed up and there is nothing behind it. The real problem is the constant need to text and general "clingyness" between them.

That his gal pals are so protective of him "like a brother" would be cute if you were all ten years old, but as you are now discovering, it gets tiresome for the grown ups.

I belive his story that there is nothing sexual going on. You might make more progress if you approach it as an issue of overdepending on others. After all, I doubt you would feel any better if he was always on the phone with his mom or brother. He might be a keeper, but you need to get through to him that the modern-day version of sneaking notes and whispering secrets has got to stop. Adults set agreeable boundaries and hold to them.
 

JohnQPoster

New Member
Nov 12, 2010
780
When you are trying to talk to him and he quits listening and starts texting on the phone, keep talking as you text him; 'Asshole, I am standing here trying to talk to you.'

I had a friend who in the 90's would sit on his house phone for hours on end. It didn't matter if some people were at his place hanging out, he would disappear for about 2 hours on average. It was as if the phone were stuck to his head, he was a total douche bag.
 

Swerve

Active Member
Feb 20, 2005
3,169
Wow such a difficult situation.

My gut feeling though is he's being an ass. He knows what he did (that kiss) so he should sort that shit out. If he knows this is how you feel then what he's doing is unacceptable. Your supposed to be number 1 in his life.
 

kingtoad

Well-Known Member
Sep 2, 2003
55,788
Los Angeles
Although some people are saying "let it go" and it was just one drunken kiss, keep in mind alcohol magnifies feelings, including feelings that people like to consider themselves in full control of. He's obviously sexually attracted to her. Most guys would actually sleep with their friends who are girls. From my understanding, it's the opposite with girls.
 

kiri

New Member
Mar 15, 2006
25,139
Miami, FL
I would let the drunken kiss go, but I would not be OK with the constant texting. I even get annoyed when friends do this in the middle of conversations. When I'm hanging out with someone and receive a "conversational" text message, I just either don't respond or send back something dismissive to indicate the conversation is over.
 

starwberry

seems like you made it a point to tell your boyfriend's history with this girl (about how he was interested in her). in the back of your mind are you always still wondering if he has feelings for her?
 

deusexaethera

OT Supporter
Jan 27, 2005
18,592
"The drink don't make you do a thing, it just lets you." He kissed her because he wanted to. If she responded negatively and continues to respond negatively, then there's nothing really to worry about. If she indicates that she might've enjoyed it under different conditions, that could be a problem.

That being said, humans are not monogamous over the long-term. Virtually everyone fools around eventually, or else feels like shit periodically because they really want to. What really matters is whether he stays committed to you. If your relationship is otherwise healthy, the occasional flirt with someone else may actually give him a fresh perspective on why he wants to stay with you. I admit I've never been entirely comfortable with seeing my SO so much as hug another guy, but at the same time I know that expecting them to exist in a vacuum containing nobody but me for the indefinite future will just make them get sick of me that much faster. There's an old saying: "if you want monogamy, marry a swan." Of course, the irony is now we know swans aren't monogamous either.
 

Diesel66

OT Supporter
Feb 20, 2005
134,507
Kc
The texting is the issue, esp if you two are really talking. People in front of you have priority most of the time.
 

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