SRS Anonymous Thread: I have been married for 4 years...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Throwdown, Apr 4, 2006.

  1. Throwdown

    Throwdown whore destroyer

    Feb 25, 2002
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    Orrville, OH
    I'll start with some cliffs: I have been married for 4 years, my wife is moving out in a week and I am to be left with a house I can't afford. I am also a co-signer on her car and she is terrible with money so I can see my credit being ruined. She has a child from a previous relationship who calls me Dad and she has said that she wants me to have no contact with her or her son when we split. I entered into a relationship with another woman 6 months ago and she broke up with me last week. My life is in complete shambles and I see no way to get my head above water.

    My wife cheated on me 1 year ago. Not only did she cheat but she neglected to tell her partner (who is now her boyfriend) that she was not on birth control. She slept with me 11 days after her period and him 14 and 16 days after; neither of us used protection. She became pregnant.She was adamant the children (it was twins) were his and took some arthritis pills to chemically abort the pregnancy. She miscarried but 1 survived. We had tried for children previously but nothing happened so I was lead to believe that I was unable to have children, which was a crushing blow to me as my ex-girlfriend had been pregnant also so I instantly assumed she had cheated on me too. I told my wife that we could do a paternity test on the surprisingly healthy remaining child at 10 weeks to determine the father. If it was mine then I would do all that was needed to be a Father to it. She was worried about the effects that the pills had on the child so she decided to have it aborted. Being still adamant it wasn't mine she had the boyfriend pay half and take her to the clinic. Before her abortion I went to the doctor to have my little men tested and everything came back as better than average, so her insistance that I was unable to father a child became a moot point, but she still refused to believe the child could be mine. For some reason I decided to stay around and try to forgive her indescretion. Bad idea. She gave me nothing, not even a straw to grasp and we didn't have sex for 6 months or so. I tried to make things work but she didn't seem to care. She carried on talking to the guy she cheated with and this enraged me even though she saw it as not a big deal.

    Just before Christmas a female friend expressed an interest in me and we went out on a date. I had known her for 2 years, I had always admired her and been attracted to her. I was over the moon when she asked me out. The date went incredibly well and I spent the night at her house (I didn't have sex with her). I returned home the next day and told my wife what had happened and that I wanted to persue a relationship with this woman. She was shocked. I have no idea why! 6 months without any physical contact from her and she was surprised I looked elsewhere? Being with her was great. I was so happy. But, I couldn't stop thinking that she wasn't really interested in me and that she didn't love me. We talked about kids and marriage and I fell in love with her within a few months (which is unusual for me). I was convinced she didn't enjoy sex with me and told her this. I would tell her that I knew she would leave me sooner or later and that she wouldn't be happy with me. My whole outlook was completely negative. I eventually wore her down and she agreed that she couldn't be happy with me so she broke it off last week. I caused this. We were great together both in bed and out of it. She has been my world for the past 6 months and I can't believe I ruined it. We still talk and she has told me that things might change between us if my outlook changes, but I just can't stop being negative and ruining any chances I might have left.

    I don't know what to do. I've thought about eating the end of a shotgun but my parents would be devastated. I don't really care about my life anymore but I want my girlfriend back (my wife can go DIAF for all I care). How can I be positive when I have so much weight on my shoulders? I can not forgive my wife for what she did. Maybe when she moves out her infidelity will be less of a part of my everyday life as I won't have to see her anymore. In the year that has passed there has not been a day where I haven't thought about what she did to me. I just can't let go and I know this is part of my problem. I need to have a positive outlook on life and don't know how to change.
  2. Miss Red

    Miss Red Active Member

    Jul 26, 2004
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    Suicide is never an answer. I feel so mean daying this, but you've both acted irresponsibly without thinking about consequences. You do not "deserve" what is happening to you, but what did you expect. I suggest that you take a few days off and make a plan for your life. Continuing in this circumstance would only allow for more drama. I hope things work out for you.
  3. johan

    johan Active Member

    Nov 4, 2003
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    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    I only have a few minutes so I'll have to be brief.

    No. Not the answer. Your problems, though they seem bleak to you, are actually easy to fix. They are not quick to fix, but relatively easy.

    Your wife.
    You need to contact a good divorce attorney. He/she will hammer out a good settlement for you. You do not need to be saddled with a house you can't afford, making payments on a car you no longer have. It is very good that she cheated on you.

    Your financial burden.
    See above entry re: divorce attorney. Your burden will be greatly eased.

    Your shortterm flame.
    The arc of your relationship, and the way you sabotaged it is completely expected and completely understandable in light of your marital breakup. What did you think, that you could sustain a massive life altering trauma, and then just pick up with a great woman and pretend like nothing happened?

    Let me tell you: she's not as great as you thought she was. BELIEVE IT. Your perception was skewed by your emotional needs.
    Not only will you find another woman, but you will find one that is 100X no, 1000X more suited for you.
  4. michaele36

    michaele36 New Member

    Jan 28, 2006
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    Go with this girl who you like. Screw your wife. Tell her your done move out and sell this house and split the profits with the ex wife then cut off ALL contact with her.

    As far as her son goes thats difficult but I don't think theres much you can do to stay connected with him and its sad but you should send him a letter and explain that your sorry about what happend and dont put blame on your wife.

    Suicide isnt the answer. See I understand why your thinking about it but you shouldn't kill yourself over this bitch.

    Threapy would be extremely helpful. Go to a guy therapist who you have alot in common with. Someone down to earth.

    If you would like to talk send me an aol instant message, my screen name is mike328ic.
  5. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    Sorry bro, things haven't been going the best for you, but things aren't over for you. There IS light at the end of the title, but you must finally take control of your life.

    First off, do what you can to get off being cosigned with your wife on the car. If you must, sell the home and use the equity to pay off her car. If that isn't an option, try to get her to sell the car. There are many options to work with, including getting a loan yourself to pay off the car, or even have the bill sent to your house and have her pay you. There is an answer out there for this problem, you merely need to find it.

    As for your wife, forget her. She was a very negative influence on your life. She is not worthy of a second of your time. As for the child, I am sorry that you must be taken out of his life but maybe you can work out something with her to where you can send birthday cards or getting an occasional visit.

    As for this new girl, I think things are over there. You did ruin it, but it is not the end of the world. That woman is a grown adult and she is looking for a man as a partner. You were not this stable man in her life, in fact, you were acting like a child and she was right to leave. I don't think she needs a child to raise as a partner. You showed NO self confidence and NO self control. Do you think this is attractive to her? You were right, she would have lost attraction to you, but ONLY because of your actions and your self image, not because of anything else. I don't think there is much of a future there now because you have engrained this image of a weak man in her mind and it would be extremely difficult to show that you are not that man.

    I suggest that you start rebuilding yourself at this point. It's not really that hard. It only takes self motivation. Start going to a gym, work out, improve yourself, it will give you a sense of empowerment. It will help you start feeling better about yourself. Buy new clothes, get a new hairstyle, go out occasionally and make new friends. Pick up new hobbies. If you truly are ready to change your life then you can. It's up to you. You CAN do this.

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