This is going to be long and possibly confusing because it’s so many emotions at once, so I appreciate if anyone makes it through my ramblings. I’ve been with my boyfriend for about a year ½ and I feel like I’m slowly but surely ruining what we have in the last few weeks. What is the issue? I am insecure. It is frustrating because I am actually a confident person, yet when it comes to my boyfriend I always question myself and my worth. I will be honest and say I’m used to being with men who act as if they are lucky to be with me. Not like I’m some spoiled brat, it’s just that my boyfriend isn’t a very emotional person. Our relationship didn’t start like a fairytale; in fact we’ve more had that “honeymoon phase” people talk about from 6 months on. That was pretty much when we both admitted how we felt about one another and realized how great we were as a couple and knew that we were meant to be in a serious relationship. So what’s the problem? Well the one thing I know is it is almost all me. Yes, he is a little emotionally slow and has a hard time telling me how he feels about me which gets to me. But most of it I admittedly realize is my issues. I feel as if I’m starting to ruin what we have out of insecurity and fear of what could happen to us. I love this man more than I’ve ever loved any guy I’ve been with. I have been in many relationships in my life, but this is the first where I am constantly blown away at how well we work together and how much I still love him every single day. Personally, I have grown so much being with him and can’t believe that I found someone I actually picture a future with. I’ve never seen a future with any man I’ve dated until him, and I’ve had some longer relationships. I’ve always held my guard up and been emotionally slow as well, but he has since started to break that down because I love and trust him so much. I have been hurt though, so most of my problems are based on fear of being hurt again. Oddly enough, one of my weirdest traits is that I have no issue pouring my love out about him on here or with my family and myself, but when we are together we just don’t gush about one another. I could be lying in bed with him and thinking about how much I adore him and want to shower him with it but I know he just won’t reciprocate that enthusiasm back so I usually just kiss him and offer him a back rub or something. He’s the kind of guy (even his friends have told me) who just doesn’t gush over loving feelings. They say I’m the only girl he’s ever been so into though, so I can’t imagine him being even more unaffectionate with other girlfriends. One thing I’ve thought a lot about is the decision that I could move in with him eventually, and that is a huge step for me, but I sometimes worry he wouldn’t want to live with me. Our leases are both up within a week of each other in 8 months. I recognize it is a long ways away but I can’t help but thinking about whether or not he’d want that kind of commitment. We spend probably 6 nights out of the week with one another as it is. And I know living together would still be different but I am positive we would be just as happy because I also appreciate my privacy and respect that he needs his as well. We both have talked about being firm believers in only moving in when it was serious enough and a good decision. I keep thinking that when time gets closer to move he’s just going to find a place and still be living with his brother. His brother is 22 and basically mooches off of him for money and everything. My boyfriend is kind of a pushover and I know that when it comes to family I can just picture he can’t get the courage to tell his brother that he doesn’t want to live with him, but more so with me. It is obvious his brother is just assuming they will live together again and this distresses me. I’ve only brought up once with him the idea of moving in together; it was when we recently re-signed our own leases. He had already started talking about possibly looking for a more “mature” place to live after this next year. I casually asked him (after he had mentioned living with his brother and friend again) if he had ever at least thought about me living with him. He seemed a little shocked but genuinely answered that he hadn’t thought of it, but the idea didn’t scare him. I haven’t brought it up again since obviously it is a long time away, but I was glad I at least mentioned my feelings on it. Now it’s just more a matter of when would it be appropriate to really talk about it again? I’ve had quite a few stressful past few months. He’s been there for me the entire time. What I’m thinking though is that I am scaring myself into thinking he’s going to lose interest in me. I realize this is ridiculous because obviously if I always act like an insecure witch who is cranky then why would he still love me? Whenever we have a small argument for some reason the first thing my mind thinks of is “please don’t let this be the thing that makes him stop loving me.” I know I need to be my normal cheerful happy-go-lucky self. It’s as if in the back of my mind every time he does something stupid or says something that hurts my feelings I let it get to me more than it ever has before. The other day he brought up his ex girlfriend, it was (for the record) in a relevant way, but their have been just a few things I’ve heard about her over time that make me think she was more important to him or something. They had such a strange relationship and he broke up with her supposedly because he was just over them as a couple and they were better friends (by the way, they are not actually friends anymore). It just confuses me though because I sometimes think they were even closer than we were, or secretly worry that I somehow just don’t measure up. Essentially I guess overall my biggest worry is that I will put all my metaphorical eggs into one basket. I hate wearing my heart on my sleeve because if this man just decided now, in 6 months, or in a year that he just didn’t feel something that serious for us I would lose it. I’m usually the person that lives day by day, but at what point do you need to think about your future?