SRS Any of you who've lost a parent have any siblings angry when the other parent starts dating?

Scottwax

Making detailing great again!
May 5, 2000
176,609
Home of the Texas Rangers
My Mom passed from Dementia a few years ago. About 4-5 months after my Mom passed, my Dad started seeing a lady from a survivor's group he joined. Long story short, they moved out of state and bought a house together. My sister and her daughter still have a big problem with it. They feel she stole our Dad from us and he didn't wait long enough after our Mom passed to get involved with someone else. The rest of us are fine with it, my Dad is happy, she's very nice. With Dementia, you have a long time to prepare mentally for the eventual outcome. It's not a sudden death that shocks you. And no one gets to decide for someone else when its time to move on and my sister being a therapist should know this.

My sister and her daughter are visiting my Dad and my niece especially (she's 12) is showing pretty open contempt for my Dad's fiance. And of course my therapist sister thinks its okay for her to express herself in that way. I'd hate to see them ruin Christmas for my Dad and maybe his relationship.

How have any of you handled this?
 

the_antsy_honda

This is the story of a little ship...
Dec 17, 2001
75,389
California
I think everyone handles things differently, but it's normal for people to think of things from a selfish perspective.

They probably are more focused on their own grief still and less focused on the happiness of your father.

Whether it's right for him to have waited or not? Who's to say? With covid and everything else up in the air, IMO live today.
 
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Scottwax

Scottwax

Making detailing great again!
May 5, 2000
176,609
Home of the Texas Rangers
I think everyone handles things differently, but it's normal for people to think of things from a selfish perspective.

They probably are more focused on their own grief still and less focused on the happiness of your father.

Whether it's right for him to have waited or not? Who's to say? With covid and everything else up in the air, IMO live today.

Well, he did meet her prior to Covid. And I'm pretty sure at least part of the reason they moved was my sister and her daughter moved into his house when she was going through her divorce. She's still in the house too. Not sure what arrangement she has with my Dad but I'm sure it costs her a lot less than if she'd bought the house on the open market. And I love my niece but she's usually very unpleasant to be around. Her mom lets her get her way pretty much all the time. Doesn't like dinner? Gets her a pizza.

My Dad is happy and I'm glad he found someone. He stayed with my Mom through everything and basically put his life on hold during that time. He's a very healthy 82, but he's 82, ya know?
 
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Oman4x4

OT Supporter
Sep 22, 2004
12,544
Dubai / Oman / Saudi Arabia
My mum could easily have several decades left and I'd hate for her to spend those years sad and alone. Nothing is bringing dad back and if she finds someone that makes her happy, then welcome to the family.

Your sister needs to recognise that her dad deserves to be happy. Mum's not coming back. Dad's already suffered enough losing her, and from the sounds of it living through a long slow decline so that must have been hard too. He's allowed some happiness.

Side note: I hope she's a do as I say, not as I do therapist. I guess you've already hashed this out too much for her to not realise that "so I've got this friend who's dad passed away and his mum wants to start dating again but he's not sure how soon is too soon and if he's okay with it?" is actually about her? Surely as a therapist she'd encourage everyone to seek happiness.


Ultimately, losing someone, expected or unexpected, is an awful reminder of how fucking short life is. How long should he wait? He shouldn't wait at all. Tomorrow isn't promised to anyone. If he thinks he's ready then support it. Just make sure nobody is taking advantage of him when he might be fragile.
 

Thumpin'Ram

I'll level with you. These bags weren't designed f
Jul 15, 2001
123,164
Goodbye mailbox
The 12 year old daughter is just mimicking what her mother is doing, so that won't change until your sister changes.

Your sister is the one with the problem, and this is the form her grieving is taking. Have you tried talking to her to see what the actual root of the problem is? Maybe she's unhappy in her own relationship? Try to figure out why she has an issue with your father's happiness? Or dont. I gave up on trying to have a mature relationship with my family years ago.
 
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Scottwax

Scottwax

Making detailing great again!
May 5, 2000
176,609
Home of the Texas Rangers
The 12 year old daughter is just mimicking what her mother is doing, so that won't change until your sister changes.

Your sister is the one with the problem, and this is the form her grieving is taking. Have you tried talking to her to see what the actual root of the problem is? Maybe she's unhappy in her own relationship? Try to figure out why she has an issue with your father's happiness? Or dont. I gave up on trying to have a mature relationship with my family years ago.

The problem is her daughter is obnoxious about it. And of course it comes from my sister.

She's divorced, part of the problem was how to raise their daughter. She's a therapist, he's military. She wants to raise her daughter like she wanted to be raised. :rolleyes: But the divorce was amicable and we all still socialize with her ex.
 

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