I have no idea what the official diagnosis would be, some sort of bipolar I'm sure, but that doesn't even matter. I always reacted poorly to stress, but major surgery just as I was turning 21 seems to have completely broken me. The following school year (my third in college), I failed my first class ever, and in fact failed every one that semester. Did medical withdrawal but the second semester went about as well, so I just dropped out and moved home. Previously I was an A/B student and was on a full ride scholarship, so this was quite a change. Ever since then I've had cyclical depression issues, with them becoming gradually more frequent and severe from age 21 to 25 where I am now. At this point the mood swings have progressed to several a month up to a few times in a day, and the swings themselves have increased in severity such that I've had my first genuine manic episodes in the past few weeks. I believe I owe a lot of the last month's accelerated degeneration to the wellbutrin I've been on for just over two weeks now. The mood swings are so fucking severe now it's difficult to even hold down my shitty pizza delivery job, and forget about any serious commitment like school. I cannot describe the inconceivable feelings of shame, hopelessness, despair and just plain sadness I experience during the downs, even rationally knowing I've done nothing wrong and am plenty capable, and during the ups I've come to dread the quickly approaching depression such that I can't even be productive during periods I used to be. It's causing ever more trouble in my relationships which just feeds into the cycle of mood swings and extreme negative emotions. At some point my broke-ass brain is going to see to it that I destroy everything that's ever mattered to me, and modern medicine has no good solutions for mood disorders. What the fuck do I do? Suffer in silence, counting the days until I can die of natural causes? I've been going through the motions since gradeschool, and now things have gotten bad enough I can't even do that anymore, and I only see one eventual result, so why wait right? I'm so fucked. I always have been, and I always knew it, but it feels like things are finally hitting a stopping point.