Well... I survived all the horrible crap, everything for the most part is in order. Now that I have a moment to breathe, I am in full blown breakdown. I am broken, my life is excellent order. I make good money, have my own house, my own car. I am pretty sure this new girl I am seeing cares a lot about me. But I have terrible dreams, of those loved and lost over the years. EVERY NIGHT. All I can to avoid this is work myself to death so I pass so far out I don't really remember anything or don't sleep well enough to really dream. I can't hold my shit together anymore. I have tried meds before it hasn't worked out well at all over the years. There just isn't enough positive in my life to hold me up. People are cdnstantly taking away and not giving any back. I am emotional and mentally raped of all that is me. I am tired, pissed and emotionally dead. I am fucking tired of carrying other people. I am tired of the bullshit honor code that I was taught, respect this, never do that. Always take care of people BLAH BLAH BLAH . I am tired of being the fucking protector of people who can't take care of themselves. I bust my ass and they reach up and cut my fucking throat. I just want to cry and not have to be hard ass all the time to protect my friends and family. I am always the one called when people have problems. What the fuck about mine ? People say "oh come tell me" last person I took up on that offer just cried and couldn't hanldle it. I have lost six close friends in the last 6 years and a lot of family. I am half parenting my own parents. you can't always do what is right, you will go crazy. Why did I survive when better people died? Fuck I hate this. I don't know what to do other than drug myself up on meds and just become a walking talking uncaring robot. I will lose all that makes me, me again. I don't know what to do. I can't stop, people need my, they can't survive without me. I just don't want to cry anymore. I can't fight anymore, I just can't pull out any more metal from deep down.