LOVE Being too needy/worried in the beginning

NCS

Active Member
Apr 2, 2002
5,674
I have come to realize that I feel too needy/fearful/uncertain in the beginning of any dating period with a girl that i am developing feelings for. This is happening right now but it made me reflect to previous relationships under different circumstances and its a trend for me, and it sucks.

Luckily enough i don't act on it. However, it eats me up on the inside.

Basically during the time period of the 2nd or 3rd date when its obvious a lot of chermistry is there and feelings are developing to the point where the girl clearly is emotionally into me and no one else (say a month or two into things), I'm constantly afraid i'm going to lose her somehow. I've thought about it and it comes down to two things:

1. The plain and simple fear of losing an unfulfilled yet clearly possibly potential with someone (in other terms, falling in love, having a good relationship).

2. The insecurity that she may simply find someone else more attractive and things go poof. It took me some courage to admit this, I have good self esteem, but this is an insecurity that has not gone away.

Once I see enough proof that the girl is absolutely nuts over me (clear behavior that i'm a major element in her life and her primary love interest), whether we get in a conventional relationship or an open one, all of these fears disappear. I also don't even get jealous after this point.
 
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mattz87

Active Member
Sep 5, 2006
1,263
I feel exactly the same way... going through a similar situation at the moment.
 

Falconer

Well-Known Member
Jun 23, 2006
65,535
I thought the opposite was more common.

Less needy in the beginning and becoming more needy/insecure as the relationship goes on. Until, of course, you get sick of the person and stop caring.
 

Falconer

Well-Known Member
Jun 23, 2006
65,535
What are you guys worried about in the beginning? You're way less emotionally vested in the beginning. If they do something dumb and you have to drop them, it's not like you've wasted a year of your life together.
 

D7

OT Supporter
Dec 20, 2008
6,406
2. The insecurity that she may simply find someone else more attractive and things go poof. It took me some courage to admit this, I have good self esteem, but this is an insecurity that has not gone away.

The ladies usually go for men who can hold a conversation over physical attractiveness. idk about this unless they're college girls or something? How old are the ladies you date?

Plus they continue to see you, whether you initiate or they do. So that should reinforce as well?
 

Deborah

Seeing is believing, but I don't want to know.
Aug 21, 2008
3,633
I think it's a very normal feeling to have when you really like someone. I'm the same. I do not show my neediness tho and hide it as well as I can.:mamoru:
 

droobles

New Member
Mar 10, 2011
239
I thought the opposite was more common.

Less needy in the beginning and becoming more needy/insecure as the relationship goes on. Until, of course, you get sick of the person and stop caring.
I'm defnitely more this way than vice versa. :dunno:
 

THoC

Well-Known Member
Feb 5, 2007
7,349
i agree w. falc. im the opposite. im not invested at the beginning... i also am pretty confident that if a girl is into me she wont stray.

as the RS goes on... a year say.... then i MAY have some insecurities.
 
TS
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NCS

NCS

Active Member
Apr 2, 2002
5,674
What are you guys worried about in the beginning? You're way less emotionally vested in the beginning. If they do something dumb and you have to drop them, it's not like you've wasted a year of your life together.

if a lady "drops" me after we've gotten into the full swing of the relationship, i'm usually ok: she's seen what there is to see and if she doesn't like it, it wasn't meant to be (lol it rhymes)

in the beginning, there's this feeling of loss of control in which there's too much unknown, too much chance, yet i easily (and most often correctly so) know where its headed early on... and i'd hate to not see it happen

regardless of what i think, i dont feel as attractive as i'd like to be and until a girl validates that, i'm still seeking that validation, as i have already made my mind up about her and want the reciprocity.

@D7 - age varies from 20 to 30, but my current interest is 26, last was 24, and the one before was my age @27 (i'm 30 now). same thing happened with all of them.

this may also shed a light on why i like confident girls -- it makes me feel safer in that they probably play the field and know what they want, and its less likely if they are serious with me that they will look elsewhere.

PS - doing this soul searching is exhausting.
 
TS
TS
NCS

NCS

Active Member
Apr 2, 2002
5,674
What are you guys worried about in the beginning? You're way less emotionally vested in the beginning. If they do something dumb and you have to drop them, it's not like you've wasted a year of your life together.

if i lose it in the beginning, i'll never have truly known what a year of my life with her is like.

if i lose it after that year, i'll have had a wonderful year and can move on.
 

mattz87

Active Member
Sep 5, 2006
1,263
if a lady "drops" me after we've gotten into the full swing of the relationship, i'm usually ok: she's seen what there is to see and if she doesn't like it, it wasn't meant to be (lol it rhymes)

in the beginning, there's this feeling of loss of control in which there's too much unknown, too much chance, yet i easily (and most often correctly so) know where its headed early on... and i'd hate to not see it happen

regardless of what i think, i dont feel as attractive as i'd like to be and until a girl validates that, i'm still seeking that validation, as i have already made my mind up about her and want the reciprocity.

@D7 - age varies from 20 to 30, but my current interest is 26, last was 24, and the one before was my age @27 (i'm 30 now). same thing happened with all of them.

this may also shed a light on why i like confident girls -- it makes me feel safer in that they probably play the field and know what they want, and its less likely if they are serious with me that they will look elsewhere.

PS - doing this soul searching is exhausting.

Feel exactly same bro
 
My boyfriend and I have the exact opposite problems. I was emotional in the beginning and he's now an insecure mess, sixth months in. Those words haven't come out of his mouth but it's blatantly obvious.

I suggest this, for both sides of the spectrum.
We're all capable, lovable individuals and the overt uncomfortableness that we display to our significant others makes us act like we aren't who we really are. For example, would any of these problems be a problem with a guy friend? no. Aren't you suppose to act as if your significant other was your best friend? Most often, yes.

Envision the worst case scenario of what COULD happen if you're vulnerable. It's not that bad. And what COULD happen if you aren't vulnerable and you don't communicate is a sure way to lose a girl. If you want different results, you need to try something new. Any woman who has had a relationship for more than one year knows the communication is key. You might be surprised to find out that the other person is feeling the same way too. Which, you would never know if you didn't tell her upfront "I'm clingy or insecure in the beginning". She might say "Perfect, I get clingy after the first six months" ... Why not have that kind of relationship where communication is open?

Also, if you're still in the looking for process, remember that there are 9829834892273 women in the world so if you let one hot chick pass you by in your effort to find a long-term hot one that you can communicate with, you're not missing anything.

Good luck.
 

RichieHemingway

Active Member
Jul 4, 2007
2,838
if i lose it in the beginning, i'll never have truly known what a year of my life with her is like.

if i lose it after that year, i'll have had a wonderful year and can move on.


Or save yourself a year with a girl who is horrible.

That's very odd thinking or maybe I'm too pessimistic.
 

D7

OT Supporter
Dec 20, 2008
6,406
I think all of this is more common than most guys want to admit and I think you'll be able to work through it just fine :)

idk about getting serious with girls in their early 20s. Maybe things are different in your world :dunno:
 

JohnJohnJohnson

Effetely Sipping My Latte
OT Supporter
Sep 8, 2004
22,789
Manhattan
I think all of this is more common than most guys want to admit and I think you'll be able to work through it just fine :)

idk about getting serious with girls in their early 20s. Maybe things are different in your world :dunno:
25+ eh?
 

Polina

New Member
Jan 4, 2011
441
South Florida
I also felt the same way when I used to date. I think the fear of not fulfilling the fantasy with this person. When I just start dating someone, I want to have that excitement and butterflies in my stomach to never end, and I'm fearful that it will never get fulfilled or it's not as strong in my dating partner.

However, the good thing was that if there were times when the relationship never took place, although it was upsetting to me, it was also much easier to get over than a real break-up. Since I never really found out what I was missing I guess...
 

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