Am I crazy for not being on medication and trying to deal with this disorder? I have just been so afriad of meds since i saw my older sister go through a year and half of hell trying to find the right medication for her when she came out of rehab. I took depakote for a very limited period of time, but threw the bottle away after taking about 12 of them in a drunken stupor and then feeling brain dead for the next 2 days. I've just become really unable to manage my life the past 6 months and the suicidal thoughts are incessant, much worse when I drink... but always there regardless. I just can't get my life stable for any period of time longer than 3-4 months. Is there anyplace for free help or guidance for mental health?