Colossal Calf Chronicles :rofl:

Discussion in 'Fitness & Nutrition' started by MaineSucks, Jun 2, 2006.

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  1. MaineSucks

    MaineSucks OT Supporter

    Jan 5, 2005
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    :rofl: this is from Dave Tate... it'll be funnier if you played high school ball, but its still a good read.... grab a shake, its long


    C-3 Alpha Protocol “Jacked”

    Colossal Calf Chronicles

    How this all began

    This all began months ago with an interview I did with T-Nation. I was asked a couple times about calve development. At the time I blew the question off because I was not ready to unleash the “secret” at the time.

    Now that time has passed and I am sick of answering the thousands of emails in regards to this I decided it was almost time. Then I got this message from a good friend of mine. I will keep his identity hidden because he is afraid he will be exposed for have little calves.

    Here is the email I got…

    “Dave, we have been friends for a very long time and I really need your help.

    I have been dealing with this pain for too long and really need to take action. You see my calves look like pop cycle sticks and I can’t take it any more.

    You can’t know my pain but imagine having to wear Jeans in 90 heat, just to hide my calves. When I am forced to wear shorts I always wear the highest stripped tube socks I can find. This helps some but pisses me off because they ALWAYS slide down and end up looking like bunched up leg warmers.

    If this was not bad enough imagine my pain as I hook up with a new girl and have to strip down in the bedroom. Under the sheets is no big deal, but getting there KILLS me. Even with the lights out my lack of mass is glaring. Last week I told some girl it was because of the running I do. Dave, I weight 270 pounds. I am not running anywhere except away from calve development.

    My calves are so bad I find they cramp when I push the gas peddle down in my car and walking up stairs is a chore. I have tried calve raises, seated calve raises, donkey calve raises and no calve raises.

    I just can’t get them to grow regards off what I do.

    My friends and coworkers make fun of me all the time and I can’t take in anymore. I am sick of wearing high-rise Indian moccasins everywhere I go and would kill to wear sandals.

    I know you may not understand my pains because your calves are jacked, but please toss me a bone hear. I don’t know what to do. “

    After I read this I felt his pain and knew it was time. I decided to write him back and will only post this for a limited time. All I ask if you take the time to pass this onto so others can benefit from his pain.

    The Letter

    Dear Sad Soleus,

    I know your pain.

    I have been there and know what it is like to have “fallin sock syndrome” I spent years battling the depression and then began to find the path to Colossal Calves. From this I began what has become known in the underground as “The Colossal Calve Chronicles” What I am about to share with you is TOP SECRET and can only be shared with other members of the C-3.


    The C-3 botherhood is ALL ABOUT HUGE HOOFS.

    There is no way about it. We live for it. We think about it all the time. We even have secrete codes and passwords (I will share these with you as you advance.) For now you need to earn your way in so I am only sharing with you Alpha Protocol “Jacked”. There are many more stages and as you advance through the program and you will be given the rights to each until you become a MASTER LEVEL C-3 instructor.

    This process will not be easy. It will be physically, mentally and financially draining.


    But there will be investments to make as you move along. Nothing in life is free and you have to pay your dues. Plus when it is all said and done I want your money. Look, I can hide behind tons of Marketing Lingo and Sales Speeches but I have paid my dues and want to be rewarded. Think of this as an investment in your future. Plus, I give a percentage back to the foundation so we can help fight this problem.

    Granted it is less than .5% but we do what we can do.

    I know you are ready to get started but I first need to make sure you are committed.

    So here is what I need you to do. Take off all your clothes and get out a big red sharpie marker. Now draw one huge arrow from your heart to your right calve, then your left.
    Then draw a big X on each calf.


    Now you have just committed your HEART into the game. To succeed in anything you have to HAVE HEART.


    If you do then you will be marked for WAR. If not you need to get the marker out.

    This is NO JOKE this is about one thing and one thing only PRIDE.


    Okay, Let’s Get 'R Done

    To begin Alpha Protocal – Jacked you will need to gather up a few items. Here is a list of what you will need.

    Bike Coaches Shorts
    A Whistle (this has to be attached to a cord)
    Ball Cap – The flip can’t be bent an the back has to be ventilated.
    Turf Shoes with the lace flap down cover
    A gray t-shirt with sleeves cut off
    Large cooking pan (14x8x4) full off mud and cut grass.
    Lamented Play Card – you will transcribe the program to this card.
    Red Man Chewing Tobacco
    Bubble Gum
    Cheap Aviator Sunglasses
    Football Socks
    A Weight Vest

    There may be other things as we progress but this will get you in the game.


    You have known me for a long time. You know I am about “The Real World” and not a bunch of textbook protocols. This is where we live and this is where we need to look for real success.


    But you could not see it. Don’t feel bad because everyone else misses these “clues” until they are pointed out. What I am about to share with you is HUGE. So huge in fact that 99.235% of the population miss it. I don’t mean by a little bit either. I mean they really miss it. Let me say that one more time to drive the point home.


    Can you believe this? I was first shocked by the stats but don’t take my word for it. Listen to this Master Member…

    “I could not believe how simple this all was. For many years the answer was right in front of my face. Now I see the light and can’t believe the difference. I have put 5.23 inches on my calves. I am so sold on this program I have spent thousands to become a MASER instructor so I can help others overcome the same issues.”
    - Jamie from Little Dogs

    Look, I can give you countless examples just like Jamie but I think you see the point. This is not rocket science here. We are just building colossal calves. The secrete has always been there is has just been hidden.

    Did you ever play Super Mario Brothers? If you have then you know how excited you get when you find the hidden pipe that takes you to another “secret” level.


    The secret is about to be unveiled…


    Have you ever seen an Offensive Line Man Coach who had little calves? Hum…

    NO! They pretty much ALL have jacked calves. I mean, “jacked” to the max. They are huge, full of veins and down right NASTY. You may be thinking about coaching football. Sure this is one way but we have evolved at C-3 and have mixed old school with new age training concepts to come up with the same results in ½ the time.


    Here is what you do…

    You need a pre training stack of 3 hour Cold coffee, red man and nuts. This works best if it falls 43.4 minutes before training.

    To ensure the highest level of success you will need to put on a pair of BIKE coaches shorts (the ones with the 4 inch waist band and snaps). A gray t-shirt with sleeves cut off and TUCKED in soldier. Also, make sure to put on your turf shoes, football socks and ball cap and get ready to roll. Oh, don’t forget the glasses and the mud pans. You will need then when you get to the gym.

    When you get to the gym park 50 yards away and take out the mud pans and place them on the ground. Next, and this is critical, stump in the pans because a muddy calf is a stronger calf. Put the whistle around you neck, grab your Play card and shove it in one back pocket. Place your redman and gum in the other and HUSTLE YOUR WAY INTO THE GYM.


    When you arrive in the gym scout the terrain. Make note of what is going on. See who is working and who is not. You are now the leader of the troops and you will only be as strong as the weakest link.

    Begin you training with some light warm ups of Jumping Jacks, Wind Mills, Hurdle Stretches, Neck Bridges, Up Downs, and other various light stretches and plyos. To make this more effective there are a couple things you need to do. First is you will need to word count your reps. This will be the same with every movement you do. For heavy sets you will count P-R-I-D-E for light sets and all warm up work you will count C-O-L-O-S-S-A-L- C-A-L-V-E-S. Before every movement change you will also need to blow you whistle.

    Now the first thing you need to understand is this program has audibles in it. No game can be won without taking advantage of what you see on the field. The audible for the C-3 program is easy. Anytime you see anyone on the leg press you need to flip the cap backwards and run over to the machine. Step on the back and blow the whistle when they start the set. With each rep you need to scream – DRIVE – DRIVE – DRIVE – HEAD UP – DRIVE – DRIVE – DRIVE. When the set is over clap and say GREAT WORK TROOPER, pat him on the ass and get back to your training.

    Your first movement will be standing calves raises for a heavy count ( P-R-I-D-E ) . Toot the whistle and get on the machine. This is game time so get with it. This is time to..


    Hit it hard and get the job done.

    After a few sets it will be time to up your game. Now most great OL coaches have paid their dues at the table and have earned to right to have a slight forward lean. If you have not paid your dues yet then it is best to fake it until you make it. To do this take all the weights out of the back of the weight vest (so all the weight will be in front) and strap it down tight around your torso. This will cause a slight forward lean placing most of your weight closer to the toes. This is the optimal position for MASSIVE CALF GROWTH. You will keep this vest on for the rest of the session.

    The next movement will be seated calf raises. This will be done for a light count (C-O-L-O-S-S-A-L- C-A-L-V-E-S) . As always toot the whistle and get serious because the other team is not resting. In between sets it is important to get off the machine and rest with your hands on your knees, shades pulled down and butt back as far as you can. This will provide you with a great calve stretch but also allow you scan the gym for the next audible. After a minute or so Clap and get back on the machine.

    Keep doing sets until you get the play right. By this I mean you have to get the tempo perfect. We are only looking for two back to back perfect sets here. So you need to use a 10 second eccentric, 3-second pause and explosive concentric. Now if you mess up you have to get in your own face.

    To do this you will run over to the mirror in a screaming fit and squat down as close as you can so you are face to face and give yourself a piece of your mind. After you are down whap yourself on the butt and get back in the game.

    I don’t care if you have to be there all night! You will get it right. Remember this is about PRIDE.

    Now and only now is it time for a water break. You do not have the luxury of bottle water in this game. You can either bring in a spotter (water boy) or use the fountain. Either way this is your 10-minute water break. This is the time to get off those cows and let them rest and recover. Take a seat and review you play chart so you can hit the rest of the session with perfect form and intensity. Pop in some red man (but don’t let anyone see) and than toss in some bubble gum so every one thinks you are chewing gum. Blow a bubble from time to time for the perfect fake out.

    After the break it will be time to get back in the game and finish strong. This next batch of movements will be done back to back with no rest. All movements will be performed with a C-O-L-O-S-S-A-L- C-A-L-V-E-S count.


    Here is the finishing series.

    Ankle Pops
    Leg Press Calve Raise
    Wobble Board
    Jump Rope
    Single Leg Calves Raises
    Donkey Calve Raises
    Forward Toe Walking with 75 pound dumbbells – If your heals hit on one rep then you have to start the entire series over
    Forward Toe Walking with 75 pound dumbbells – If your heals hit on one rep then you have to start the entire series over

    That’s it! When you are done make sure to jog in back to your truck and head off to the local watering hole for some refreshments. Just make sure when you get there that you are prepared to get an ear full from all the arm chair calf clowns
  2. disblohs

    disblohs I can't shake this little feeling I'll never get a

    Oct 24, 2004
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    Spartanburg, SC
  3. cavefish

    cavefish You ain't a crook son, you just a shook one

    Oct 21, 2002
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    Tuscaloosa, AL
    :rofl: Brings my highschool football days to mind.
  4. MaineSucks

    MaineSucks OT Supporter

    Jan 5, 2005
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    yeah dude, for sure

    I'm pretty sure I have my halloween costume all set
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