SRS contratictory emotions?

I haven't been right emotionally since last Feb. I posted in here a few times before after all of that. I get really emotional and I don't think straight. These experiences can last hours, days, a couple times I can say a week or so. I've gotten so depressed at times it has shocked me.

It is hard because I am not always depressed or irrational. I think it is anxiety. I know I am getting better but I worry it is only temporary and that I think is kind of showing how this whole thing works.

I don't know if this sounds dumb or if anyone can understand but I feel like this irrational, depressed state is like, more normal. I feel odd trying to be happy about things. I don't like myself a lot of the time when I get too happy because I act like a dumb ass half the time. I like myself but I have horrible self esteem. Does that make sense? Everything seems like a contradiction with me lately.

I decided to write tonight instead of running to my boyfriend to make everything better. I cling to him. It is bad. If I try not to cling it almost makes things worse. The whole day I knew something wasn't right. When he text me good night I almost lost it and I'm not 100% sure why.

I am getting better and making progress. I don't want to see someone. When I am happy it is pretty pointless. I have a very hard time talking about my problems. Even something like this takes me forever. Its like I have a million thoughts in my head but I can't say them. I don't know if I am too afraid, or if I feel like they have to come out perfect? Is there something in your brain that translates thoughts into words because it feels like that part of me is totally broken.

I used to fight with my ex when we were going out and everything I said wasn't literal. I would say he was yelling at me because he was mad and lecturing towards me and he would take it as voice level and correct me. Stuff like that, constantly, made me second guess my speech and eventually he would frustrate me to not saying much of anything.. Fights turned into lots of silence with little exchange and I hated it. The problem is I do it now and I see my boyfriend getting mad at the silence just like I did. He wouldn't correct me like that. He isn't as literal. I don't know why I do it.

I don't feel like my last relationship was good for me. Honestly I don't feel like I was appreciated like I should have been. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend now. I miss my ex and I don't know why really. I don't like, miss him like heres a hug and a kiss lets stare into each others eyes. I miss the friendship we had. I miss how it felt to come back to Rockford and sit in his living room on his couch with him and do whatever. I miss how last Halloween we decorated his house and watched a movie while trick or treaters came up to the door. I miss his cat soooo fucking much I loved her. I miss a lot about him. It feels sooo fucking awful to say that because I never want to go back with him and that feels awful too. When we broke up I was convinced he was the only one.

Its too much to handle. The other day he wrote about how awful his life has become. He told me he missed me. I think maybe in a lose sense looking at a profile of mine set him off. I don't think he meant, I miss you and I know I can't have you. I think he just misses me and I can feel his point so well.

He could be such a fucking asshole. He really could sometimes. I want to tell him that. I want to tell him how bad he hurt my feelings sometimes and he doesn't deserve me. I want to tell him no girl should be treated that way for some of the things he did. But then there is this totally extreme opposite end where we kind of clicked in a whole different way than my current boyfriend. It is like two way different situations and I like the one I have better now so I don't know what it going on.

Sometimes I just want time to think but in taking that time I am potentially like...... Hurting things. Tonight I really want to talk to my ex. Last night I did too and I don't know why. I don't want to see him I just want to talk.

I guess I am worried this is one of my episodes.. I am just depressed again and I am not thinking clearly. If my boyfriend was here I think I would be happy which I hate. Why would him being here suddenly change how I feel. Why do I want to talk to my ex?

I think I really need friends to talk to about stuff.. But I don't have any.. My one friend I could talk to I don't want to because she is kind of over opinionated and doesn't hold back things.. Last time she gave me her opinion of someone, which no one else agreed with, it hurt my feelings a lot and kind of damaged our friendship. I don't want to throw anything out there and I don't know that I always trust her opinions.

I just need to vent about this.. I mean I want to hear what anyone has to say about it but maybe getting it out to someone will help me. I don't know why I chose to say what I did about my ex.. I guess maybe that is an issue I don't talk about much.. I'm not always upset about that.... But I guess I am now because I am crying about it to you all.

Thanks for listening.

 

Imagine yourself a cave with a lake in it, the surface of the water is totally undisturbed. This is the perfect emotional state of a human being to be in, not like a boat on a raging storm being swept away towards all sides.

The way to achieve this is to lead a stable life. You are unstable because you are insecure, but what is insecurity, it is a lack of direction. You need to think more in black and white, although its true there is a grey area that area is most of the times insignificant in life.

There are only three directions in life, down where death lies, stay where you are and go in circles, or up where an improved life lies ahead, the first 2 are worthless and lead to nowhere, this is important because it means you can set the course of your life, to the only direction that is valuable ,namely upwards towards into progress. It doesn't matter from there on wether you win or lose in life, you simply keep on following the positive course, that way you can ALWAYS be confident no matter what happens, because you know that going for gold in your life is the only right way to live.

So the only direction you need to go is UP.

Previously in order to fill up your lack of direction you clinged onto your bf, you tried to steer away from that unsuccesfully because you keep seeking confirmation of your life in others. No more.

You need a life of your own. But how? You need a foundation of yourself, you need to establish yourself as the person that you are, and the good thing is you are yourself already. And as time passes by , life will chisel you into the person that you are, your experiences belong to you. Meaning you are your own person, who doesn't have to cling to others. You see, you can love others, but they aren't your prisoners,you can't hold them captive. You therefore need to come to the understanding that, although you can share your life with someone, in reality everyone is walking their own path in life.

I don't suffer from insecurity because i have a 'do or die' approuch. I mean in life you an only 'try to make the best of the situation' , what more can you ask from yourself?,nothing so that's why you shouldn't be so hard on yourself, rather you just go for gold in life, and even if you do the wrong thing and so to speak die in the process, you learn from that and you'll move on to make an even stronger come back. This is why you never have to be insecure. Life is pretty much like a boxing game, what point is there to be afraid getting hurt, You are going to be hurt for sure by the opponent called life, so might as well give it your all, and land as many punches as you
can back on your opponent.

 

I can't offer any good support right now because we're both depressed as fuck but you're not the only one out there. Keep your head up and try not to be as hard on yourself.

I completely agree with you sadly. It's not normal to be like this. It is normal to be happy...or not happy but at least not sad. Just like content with life and happy in the way you're going and the future it holds. I think if you have a plan for your life and are working towards accomplishing your goals that you will be much happier in life.

 

I think you are right about making my own life. I have been working on it and I am improving a lot in doing so but saying it again helps reinforce that for me.

Sometimes I think of myself as totally portable.. Like.. I used to pack a million things to go someplace because I worried I wouldn't have something I needed when I got there. Sometimes I go someplace with nothing and it feels good. That may sound so dumb but it helps distinguish me as a person. I no longer depend on things and I can let go. Thinking about that, or being reminded of that, makes me feel better actually. Its like all I really need is myself at times and anything I need beyond that will work its way out.
I just depend so much on others for everything, and when I try not to the anxiety overwhelms me. In class I started to try and let go, if I fail I fail. In my art I have a much harder time doing that. My life is kind of like my art. I never "finish" anything because it is always too light. I am afraid to commit to drawing anything dark because I might ruin it all. Which makes sense because my one studio class I hate now because it makes me sad when I am there. I just now kind of figured out why. It frustrates me.. It defeats me... Just like depending on my boyfriend defeats me.. Or not having my own life defeats me.. I dunno.. I guess just let go.. but that is so much easier said than done.

 

I think for me it is best not to think about the future. I want the future so bad because I feel like in many ways it will help me. I have no doubt the future will be a better, all around change for me from my present conditions. I wont have to rely on unstable circumstances. I can build a life around me because I will have a basis to do so whether I have someone else in it or not.

However I get caught up in this future life I lose sight of now. I contrast and it puts now in a dark spot. But at least I know life will in ways be easier later for my whole life if I stay on track and finish out school whether I use my degree or not.. I will always have it. And you will always manage to find a way through life right?

I think the majority of my previous posts were made before I came to the conclusion that I have to stop worrying about things I can't change in the present because it was about the future. Now it hits me that I have no present really because I always looked at the future. Oddly you do have to work at having a life.. It doesn't just happen.. I don't know.. At least I think that is kind of weird. When you are little you just think of life as something that just happens.. But life was easier then too I guess.. Life was new and exciting with less to worry about and more to do..

Now I'm rambling.. But thank you I agree, life should be this medium where you can stop and recognize you are sad or happy in the moment. Not an emotional whirlpool like I am right now. The future does look promising and I am proud of my choices. I just have to get there..

 

I think we're in similar situations. Stuck looking into the future when our present time needs the fixing. We are both kind of upset with where our lives have gone after getting out of our childish "fake world" and entered the "real world" as young adults. I also kind of feel the same about college/degree....not sure if I will even use it, but I feel like in today's world you NEED it if you are planning on being successful. Not saying that if you don't have it, you will be unsuccessful, but it is a good boost in the right direction. The hard part though is finishing college and getting through it all. But all that is FUTURE, we kind of need to worry...well not worry, we need to not worry but work on improving our present time and make our lifes as happy as possible by doing things we enjoy. Mix together things you HAVE TO DO, in order to benefit your future (work, go to school, pay rent, etc.) but also include things you WANT TO DO (go walking, biking, talk to friends, party...in moderation. I think that could be yours and mine problem, we need to introduce into our lives positive things that we want to do in order to relieve the stress of the things we have to do in order to support our future.

I hope that makes sense. I'm really fucked up right now...depression, night time, and popped some pills, sadly...I need to get help.

Oh and whenever I talk to people about personal things, I like to introduce myself.

I'm Dietrich, what's your name?

 

I am Allison. I think we are in a similar boat in that aspect. Its just hard for me to be happy about doing things I like. I could make time to go walking even if it meant penciling it in sadly.. But I don't know if it would make me happy anymore. It wouldn't make me happy unless it was with someone else.
Maybe I am a lost cause and I was made to hang off of other people but I really hope not. I think I am going to borrow a computer game or something from someone and play that in down time. I know gaming isn't the most highly looked upon hobby but I guess that is caring what other people think. I used to play the sims and I got into it for a chunk of time. If I had something more fun in my free time I might not wander so much in thought?

 

Games are fun. I would play games but I feel like I never have time. I feel that my day is so short and so much time is spent doing things that aren't benefiting my life going forward positively. Well they do benefit me because they have to be done but I hate doing them. Things that waste my time: running, lifting, eating, showering, laundry, cleaning my room. All of those things combined probably eat up 4-5 hours of my day, every day. They are necessities in my life but if I didnt do them I could accomplish a lot more in life.

Games do help you kind of step out of the real world though. I used to play WoW when I was a nerd and it helped me detach from my fucked up life and have fun every night.

 

You sound like my fiance & I combined ... he's got the crazy manic episodes & the depressive periods. I had the ex who I clicked with but who was an intolerable dick.

He's sensitive about his speech, too. Definite self confidence issue.

You're a worthwhile person. You're strong. You may not feel it but these ups & downs don't make you weak. The racing thoughts that you can't get out of your mouth/fingertips are just you trying to make sense of things that don't make sense. Fragments of thoughts & feelings that aren't being put together. The anxiety that comes between the highs & lows pushes you to frantically take in details from your environment - but for what purpose? None. It's a natural response but in the wrong context. It's more of an emergency response but the off switch isn't there for you so you become emotionally exhausted until depressed, sleep some of it off & feel ok for a while before something sets off the crazy anxiety response & you start again. Run-on sentences, oh my.

The best way to deal is to keep your adrenaline up. The more often you're able to channel that anxiety into something active that energy will be used in a more appropriate manner & thus won't drive you so crazy.

As for the men - if they don't fulfill your needs then why carry on? If you're not getting what you need then of course you'll be depressed. You know you're doing something that's not right for you & that's not a happy thing.

It always hurts to be alone but if you cut yourself off from opportunity you'll never be able to take on the best options available to you. Talk to people. It may feel fake & awkward but if you succeed in keeping up with a few people you increase the possibility that they could introduce you to Mr. Right. That's what happened to my fiance & I, anyway. I got in touch w/an old friend from HS online. My fiance worked w/her husband. They invited him over, introduced us & we were instantly inseparable. We each needed companionship & were able to fulfill that need for one another.

Sorry if what I wrote is way off base.

 

I just had the shittiest night like.. I am so down right now. I wish people didn't have to feel. I know people would be like.. happiness is a feeling but if you didn't know what you were missing... I don't know...

I am happy with my boyfriend... I just want to be alone and that is probably the dumbest thing for me to say right now. I kind of in a way need him more than ever but I just drift myself farther away and make it worse.

Being without him would feel horrible. I'd probably fuck more up than do good and I don't want to lose him. My ex lost me that way. It isn't fair to take breaks to either person. I just... want to stop thinking..

 

It's more important that you're fair to yourself. If you really want to get past whatever's going on w/you you've GOT to set some priorities to follow through with & they need to be in your own best interest - not tied to what you think other people need.