What is it about my life that I can’t handle? Maybe I’m the one responsible for all the horrible things happening to me. Am I really depressed? Maybe being apathetic is just fine—you’re not able to feel anything, able to ignore most if not all things, and you don’t have to really put emotional effort into something that someone won’t even notice or care about. What’s the point of expressing yourself when no one will understand? Many have been telling me that being apathetic is being depressed-or maybe a sign of depression. If I could think of something that’s making me feel this way—what would it be? Finances. Relationships. Wants. Needs. Necessities. What’s the point of living your life for money? In my life time thus far, I’ve spent ~12,480 hours working, ~1,040 hours going to school (excluding volunteering opportunities taken for academic reasons), WITHOUT a college degree. I seem to fail at every aspect in my life. Was never the good daughter, never got that AAS that I wanted and spent so much money on a piece of paper that I didn’t get and I can’t even afford to pay the result. Pretty much in debt because my lack of knowledge and ignorance when it came to bills. I’m not that smart, pretty fat, and kind of bitter when it comes to things. I’m a fucking pessimist and believe the worse in others. I’ve been asked why I believe the worse in others. Why? Why? Why? It’s because no matter what, it is within our nature to fend for ourselves before others. We are selfish that way, and no matter if I believe people are capable of doing good, the only good they’re going to do first is to themselves. No matter how good we want to do, we won’t be able to do all the good we want. No matter if we brightened someone’s day, they’re probably going to go back to feeling like shit the next. I hate people who can do something to change themselves and be proactive instead of just bitching about it. It sounds hypocritical doesn’t it? I don’t know why I feel that way. I just do. I feel like if you can do something actively about it, you should. No one can stop you except for yourself. And that’s usually the case: you – stopping you. People ask me why I smoke. I smoke because of enjoyment and amusement. People tell me why I should stop smoking. I know all of that already. I know the health risks, I know that it’s killing me, I know that it’s bad for me. I know it already. It’s my decision, my choice, I have to be accountable and deal with the consequences in the end. Who gives a fuck if I have lung cancer? We all die some day anyway. What is the different if I die today, tomorrow, or 5 years from now? We all die—and the people who loves you will mourn for you but then life goes on. I feel so inadequate at my job even though I do a great job. What’s the point of hiring a college drop out like me who can’t seem to save a fucking penny because I want things in the world that I can’t have? Maybe I’m too materialistic for my own good. I know I don’t make a lot, and that I’m usually supporting myself and someone else in my life. Why am I ending up making decisions that is resulting into what my Mom did in the past? I don’t want someone who I need to take care of all the time, I want someone who can be accountable for themselves, and someone who can take care of themselves. I don’t want to keep reminding him to take a shower, or that he stinks like butt, or that he needs to brush his teeth, wash his hair, nor do I want to remind him to clean himself after using the toilet. I don’t want to keep cleaning up after him either. The house is a mess, and whenever I do go about cleaning it, it always reverts to the way it was before. I fucking hate it. I stopped cleaning, and even when I tell him that we will clean that day he doesn’t do anything. He’ll clean for five minutes and say that he’s ‘taking his time’ with it all when I know he doesn’t want to clean and being lazy about it. I know that he won’t actually clean but casually just pick things up here and there and say that he did clean. Or when he’s looking for something, he’s really not looking, just glancing everywhere and believing that it will suffice. Why isn’t my love able to fill him up fully? Why does he need to love someone else, and believing that loving someone else will bring more love into my life, and his? Wouldn’t it just bring more complications since we are already romantically involved? Emotionally bonded? Wouldn’t it just bring more drama into the relationship? More difficulty? There are so many levels of love, it’s not even funny; but how can I allow him to have and do what he wants sexually without it hurting our relationship or me? How am I to be the one to deny him of his sexual desires if I can’t fulfill them myself? I don’t understand his thinking process. I know he says that he’s ok if I’m not ok with the idea but the thing is, regardless if I’m ok with it or not, I know he wants it. He wants it, desires it, believes that it’s a way for him to live his life. All of this—it makes me wonder if we truly are compatible with another. Makes me wonder and feel like maybe marrying each other is a bad idea. Maybe we do need to go a counselor and figure this all out. If he feels like being monogamous won’t work out for him then he should be truthful and honest about it. I’m not judging him, and how he prefers to live his life, but if I keep feeling like I’m not adequate enough then maybe it’s time to move on. Although I’ve spent so much in this relationship, maybe my efforts won’t be wasted. He doesn’t want me to leave him, and he doesn’t want to leave me, but at the same time he wants to add someone else. I don’t understand it. Even if I want to, I don't think I possibly can. Am I being narrow minded? I'm not judging him; but the fact is if he wants to live this way, I can't help it. He says he's OK if we don't go through with this idea but at the same time I feel like, "Am I going to ever possibly be enough for him?" Does he need those other relationships to sustain his wants, needs, his life?