Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Gordon Ramsay, Mar 29, 2007.
I get along with her better now that I feel no attachment to her and don't take her so seriously. Shes also calmed down a bit past menapause. Shes still pretty manipulative, but I know all her tricks and laugh at her alligator tears or whatever else she tries.
it's such a huge thing to realize though, after all this time.
kinda hard to take in. what's the motivation? being the center of attention?
we always referred to them as "crocodile tears"
same thing though - it's fake crying or moaning to get attention, a phony display of emotion
the origin is something like crocodiles crying over their kill as they are eating it - they cannot actually weep obviously, but that's the gist
I don't believe my Mother has ever intentionally tried to manipulate any sort of situation to her liking. However, when it comes to her family, they side with her no matter what.
It got to the point that I felt so ill toward some relatives that I basically quit communicating with them. They were trying to side me with my mother when it was clear I agreed with what my Father thought.
They thought HE was brainwashing me into hating my mom. Any normal human being could realize that her actions were all that needed to be said in order for me to understand the situation.
My parents are still married, but my mother and father hate each other.
My father hasn't left because he knows my mother would have nowhere to go. She doesn't want to work and feels she's too old to get a good paying job....In other words, she's ignorant and lazy.
I do love my mother and father dearly...all the pain is gone, the bullshit no longer effects me the way it did before and I get along with my other ralatives again.
I've grown up a lot myself in the last 5 years.
Not my mother but my sister has always had a knack for creating drama and strife in the family. For whatever reason her mission in life has been to hurt our mother and I have no clue why...my mom has always been a loving/caring parent. My dad was grumpy, antisocial and could be an asshole at times, but aside from that he contributed along with my mom in raising us kids (have a brother too) with morals and values. From the time my sister could flap her gums, lying and drama is all that has come from her mouth. She's turned people against my mom and other family members. She has split our family apart 3 times. She treated her first husband's kids from a previous marriage like shit, and completely cut them off when he died...not even letting them have contact with her boys, their half brothers. She allowed her second husband to abuse and feed lies to her boys. I hate her for letting him physically and emotionally abuse her boys. But the one thing she did, that has now caused me to consider her DEAD and non existent, is she allowed him to tell the kids that my dad hated my mom so much he let his cancer go untreated so he could die and escape from her. What the fuck kind of person lets stuff like this slide? Not only that, but the abuse and things he he did to her own kids?
If she tries to coming crawling back (should happen any time now), I will not acknowledge her existence and she will not be welcome back into my life, and I will do what I can to keep her away from the rest of the family. She has caused too much harm especially toward my mom. She is dead to me.
I just realized that her actoins don't have to affect my actions or my emotions so much. I think thats something that comes with being older and more independent (+ a little psychotherapy ).
Her motivation? Yes, being the center of attention. She can't handle anyone in the family having a relationship with someone other than her, she feels she has to be in the middle of it. She couldn't stand when me and my brothers just talked by ourselves. She would always bad mouth my dad to us as well.
Even as little as 2 years ago I actually felt really bad about "making her cry" or even standing up for myself around her. You have no idea how good it feels to be able to just say "no" and not let it bother me that I somehow betrayed her or whatever.
edit: oh I see what you mean now by the "huge thing to realize." Yeah I guess, I think with my mom I kinda realized that she doesn't do it to "destory the family" she does it because she's weak and needs constant reassurment and attention. I don't really hold it against her, I just don't allow myself to be manipulated. I also call her out on it which makes me feel a lot better because I feel like I stand up for myself. It was hard at first because she would go apeshit and act like the world was ending, but I quickly realized this was just more manipulations.
Have you ever seen the Sopranos? Its good to see someone else having problems with their mom and see how absurd it is.
My mom is almost the exact same way, but she's not being malicious on purpose. Years of stress, heartbreak, you name it. It's more she doesn't have the ability to take criticism or see faults in herself without getting defensive, but when it comes to the family/friends she takes the cake for being the proverbial "judge."
Sometimes I think it's a deep defense mechanism for insecurity that's a routine reaction to stress. It's real hard to help a person that doesn't even realize it from experience. Moreover if that person is unwilling to change, but it can be done. It could be as simple as she's lonely and this is the only way she knows to get attention.
It's a rough draw of cards sometimes in life. I hope it gets better for you. My only advice is to give into her demands and be incredibly kind to her even if she doesn't deserve it if you haven't tried that already. It'll make her think about her actions towards you, instead of justifying her abuse in her mind. Give the ma a hug, after all you only get one.
THat might have worked with your mom, it won't work with mine. She's completly narcisstic and has no concept that what she does could hurt other people. For example, if I tell her that what she says is hurtful, she will someone turn it around about how horrible of a mother she must be (said sarcasticaly) and how hard she always tried. She will ask what she has done to deserve all these horrible things (a son that stands up for himself?) or some other crazy thing to get out of admitting fault.
Again I don't blame her for this, but there is no way in fuckin hell I'm going to give in to this type of behavior, it would destroy me. You cannot allow a person like this to run a family, unless you enjoy misery.
Having said all that, I actually get along with her much better now, because she is kinda learning how to get good reactions out of me and she doesn't try to be as manipulative anymore because she knows it will get her no where. I know she hasn't had the easiest life, but thats no excuse to allow her to destroy mine.
Somewhat. Her & I didn't get along very well during my late middle school and high school years. Ever since I moved out though, things have gotten better. The family was pretty much split as Mom & Brother; Dad & Me. She would let my brother do ANYTHING just about, buy him whatever he wanted, etc. But if I asked for some stupid little thing I wanted, she'd flip over it. She'd always yell at my dad for disciplining my brother (never physically, btw). She ALWAYS stuck up for my brother, no matter what, even if what he did was wrong. I wrecked my car in the rain and hit a telephone pole really hard, she went nuts saying I didn't deserve a car anymore, yadda ya. My brother wasn't paying attention when he went off the road in his (we believe he was trying to get his fries in the passenger seat), and she gets all upset and comforting. Of course my dad wants to treat him the same as he treated me when I wrecked my car (being disappointed, telling me I could have avoided it, etc), and my mom tells him to stop being so harsh on him, because he just had a scary experience.
Now I've got her AND her mother trying to eff up the family further. My mom and grandmother haven't talked in a long time (a year this April). They used to talk ALL the time. Some stupid crap happened up there last Easter when my mom visited her family in NJ. Then they dragged my fiance into it. One or both of them are lying about what happened up there (like who said what about who...damn drama!), and I don't even know who to believe. They are trying to make me hate the other one.
Surprisingly though, I've actually talked to my mom more in the last 2 days than I have in the last month, and next week we're going to Carowinds together. It seems like the only time we ever got a long REALLY good was at theme parks lol.
Yup. My mother is superfun. She sees every fault in everyone else yet when someone dare criticize her it's an unwarranted attack and everyone is against her. My father and I are simply ignorant lazy slobs with zero ambition (he owns two extremely successful businesses and I'm in university going towards a law degree) who want nothing more than to sit in front of the TV for the rest of our lives (I average about 1-1.5 hours a day, BBC World News and CBC's The National, unless it's on as white noise while I'm doing something else). She is very good at picking the exact right words to hurt people (accusing me of killing my grandfather) and does it often. Christmas Eve, after picking a fight at Christmas dinner driving me to leave my own family's Christmas dinner she proceeded to launch a one-hour personal attack (all her, I did not respond once) at around midnight which ended with me locking myself in my father's car in the garage and sleeping there to get away from her. All you can really do is ignore them. I have cut my mother out of all important parts of my life and am much happier for it. Encourage others to do the same. Encourage them to not reinforce her behaviour by giving her the reaction she wants. If they continue to allow her to behave in such a way consider cutting them out as well. It should not be your burden that your mother has these problems, if you cannot resolve the situation remove yourself from it.
Well she sounds exactly like my mom, in fact that's the exact same reaction she would pose if I said something like that to her. Most frustrating thing ever. If it's as much like my situation, then you know the tense feeling you get as soon as you walk in the house: "Oh shit what's going to happen next." It's hard to get over that. The grudge and old feelings will last many years, but they'll fade in time.
My serious, fastest, and effective treatment for this is to get as far away from her as possible if it doesn't continue to get better, which I think it can. Poverty is much more fulfilling than wealth and day after day of emotional abuse.