So I attended our annual Holiday Office Party tonight for work. I thought I'd go to show I care and make a good impression. I can honestly say, I tried my best. I was friendly and talked to my co-workers but then there were these awkward moments of silence in between conversations where I didn't know what to do. I kinda frooze up like a deer in the headlights. Or I would try to say something but it wouldn't come out right thus, me looking like a jackass. I don't mean to overdramatize this, it only happened maybe 2 or 3 times. I mean, it's happened to me before at work. I'll walk in all prepared, see them and my mind goes blank. And then I leave thinking what a dipshit I am and obsess over my faults wondering how badly I have messed things up for myself... I try and I try to shake this, I don't know if it's anxiety or social phobia or what but I don't like it. Are there any vitamins or anything I can do to help ease this? I want so badly to be myself but I am afraid they won't accept me. I am an honest person and some of the people I work with are shady to say the least... I am afraid I'm going to get a bit too blunt. Why can't I just be myself? There's nothing wrong with me. I mean, when I was younger I went to catholic school. I was the poor girl who didn't wear the lastest outfit from the gap and as a result, I was called the "freak" or "it." I couldn't even find a seat on the bus because some girl warned everyone that I was... I don't even know what? Why does this haunt me? In my sub-concious somewhere I must still see myself as a freak... not deserving of love or friends..