SRS Feel it slipping away

Hym3n

New Member
Jan 13, 2005
1,157
CO
OT has helped me with these issues many times in the past but it never fails to surprise me with how bad it hurts.

I'm 23 and have been with my 20-year old girlfriend now for 2.5 years (next weekend); and only now do I realize that its slipping away and there's nothing that I can do to save it. We've traveled extensively, spent damn near every single day together, and otherwise shared more or ourselves with one another than I could ever expect to share with another human being. For most people, our relationship is quick to brush off as "kid love" due to our ages, but what's so incredibly hard to explain in writing is how we are both so mature; and how those people are so very, very wrong--this is a real relationship.

Prior to this I was in consecutive 1.5-year relationships that were the epitome of this aforementioned kid love. Party girls, more interested in pretty much anything but me. Neither of them were ever going to last. My current girlfriend had dated a few guys, but none more than nine months. This has been the most amazing, yet heartbreaking experience of my life, and now I'm here, trying my best to figure out how to put the pieces back together for what's sure to shatter in the not too distant future.

She's been pulling away lately. We both sacrificed our friends (who didn't want us to be together) right in the beginning and have always just had each other. Our parents made our relationship abnormally difficult, and we lived 30 miles apart for the first two years. She was much, much more mature than me in the beginning. This is surprising, considering she was only 17 when we first met. In some ways, I feel like we've grown old together already. That the highest highs and the lowest lows have already been covered, and that we're stale, old, dull and dead--crumbling away like a rotten tree.

Earlier this year she moved out of her parent's house. They forced her out. She's a model, a perfect 10, honest to god, and makes a substantial fortune doing various gigs around the metroplex. Moving out, for her, was no problem whatsoever. I had previously lived in my University's dorms for a couple years, but have since returned home while working and finishing up my degree. My new job is a standard M-F 8-5 schedule, and the gross majority of her work is on both weekday and weekend nights. Because of this, we're not able to see each other much at all anymore, and in turn, has got her straying away, making new friends, etc.

And that's just the thing... she's not cheating. I trust the girl, and I know that she doesn't have feelings for anyone else. However, I more or less get the feeling that that's only because she hasn't MET the someone else yet, not necessarily because she's shut off from doing so.

On top of that, people seem to consistently want to get inbetween us. Its the nature of her work, I know, but its turned into an almost weekly event, where some asshat will message me on Facebook, or somehow acquire my phone number, or communicate with me in some other means only to try and belittle me, accuse her of wrongdoings, and otherwise get between us. And no, I'm not lying to myself when I say that these people are ALWAYS full of shit. But that, coupled with seeing her less and less, watching her drift away, is spiraling me into depression.

Because here's my thoughts: I have no close friends anymore. Even those that I do keep in contact with, I'd never want to live with. My girlfriend and I had been looking at places to move in to together over the past couple months for when her lease runs up (and I have a sufficient amount of money saved up for my share), but lately she's begun to sway into not wanting to live with anyone else, not wanting my stuff to get in the way of her stuff, etc.

So we play a worst-case scenario, and I'm broken up with. Without any close friends, I have no one that I can roommate with. I am a strong introvert (INTJ) and have difficulty making acquaintances with strangers. (Oddly enough, I'm surprisingly good at sales, however.) While my current job would be enough to support living on my own, I can't imagine making the move without anyone by my side, and I see the depression only getting worse when I have no one to interact with all day. (Co-workers, for one reason or another, are entirely out of the question regarding roommates--I'd be MUCH worse off.)

And now I find myself in this dilemma. I get the feeling that I'm about to be single, at age 23, with a job and school and all, but no way out of my parent's house, and no one to turn to for further help.

So that's why I'm on OT I guess. Just rambling.





cliffs: Get the feeling my 2.5-year relationship is about to end despite my wildest attempts to save it. I'm 23 and have no good friends, live at home. Living solo == isolation == depression for me, as does staying at home any longer. Where do I go from here?
 

krompir123

Active Member
Jan 11, 2010
15,630
Victoria, BC
Let her go, and build a lifestyle for yourself where your happiness doesn't depend on any external factors. In other words, take this opportunity to design your life around things that excite you and make you happy. Just make sure that your reason for doing it is for YOU only, and not to "win her back".

As far as your girlfriend goes, she's 20 years old. I don't care how mature she is, that's the age where people start discovering who they are and drastic changes are made. She's sending you signals that she can't put into words, so let her go and discover her own path. If she comes back to you, great. If she doesn't, at least you still have an exciting and passionate life, and trust me when I tell you this - that draws people to you like moths to a flame.
 

ChaleDodge

New Member
May 13, 2011
23
I believe that everyone we meet is either there for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I am sure you will do fine!

Sounds like you are just getting older and wiser and she won't be around for much longer. Let us know how you go.

Back when I was 23 I lost my best mate to a girl. You move on eventually and find more friends
 

IslanderOffRoad

Do you even lift kit?
Dec 23, 2003
82,163
Houston, Tx
Need friends in the metroplex?

Shoot me a PM. I spend a lot of time with the Dallas crew. They're great guys and helped me out of a similar funk.

I moved to Dallas 6 months ago knowing literally no one here.
 

Tevin

Member
Sep 11, 2010
453
It sounds like this relationship was a long shot to begin with: A young, inexperienced couple, somewhat large of an age difference, living 30 miles apart and uncooperative if not outright hostile family/friends. So you get points for making it 2.5 years.

One of the harsh realities about growing up is the odds that the person you are dating at 17-22 will be your spouse at 35 are very close to zero. The idyllic stories you hear (or may have even witnessed in your own circle) of high school sweethearts marrying at 17 and living happily to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary are remarkably rare, and like miracle diet plans "you should not expect to see these results."

Do not fall into the trap of "If we just move in together the rest will work itself out." Of all shack up arrangements that failed, 100% of them already had fatal flaws before the move in, albeit often flaws that no one saw or wanted to see. If anything, moving in will accelerate the flameout.

You can dissect every detail of this breakup until your brain explodes, but it probably will not help short term. A few years from now the wisdom will come to you on its own. You are smart enough to see the end, and that by itself is a solid step forward.

The best thing you can do for yourself is give her a clean, gentlemanly breakup. Then get involved with activities, play sports, volunteer, whatever. New friends will grow out of that.

Good luck, bro.
:wavey:
 

Darketernal

Watch: Aria The Origination =)
You should never have gone into a relationship with the idea that it would work out, reality is that a woman can pack her bags and leave any day, when that happens you need to understand that you need to have a life of your own to stand on, if you are emotionally dependent on others you'll just become a soccerball for others to play with ,bring the power of your life back where it belongs, namely in YOUR hands.

Remember clearly You can only love someone, you cannot hold them prisoner, the important thing about a relationship is being together but allowing eachother to do their own thing.

If i were you i would talk with her, and ask her what she wants from the relationship, that way you can make changes within the situation you are in, and maby change it up to the point where she stays. Don't be desperate, a woman doesn't want a man who hangs on her legs, she instead wants someone reliable who she can lean on instead.

But If i where you tho, i would fight for my relationship. Just do wild and interesting things within your relationship so that she doesn't have to find excitement in someone else, and make her laugh, and make sure you have your life in order and be romantic. When you do, you can ask her to marry you, hopefully she'll stay with you that way, however blessed is the person who expects nothing, for that person will not be disappointed. Its all about not caring if she leaves or not, that way you show you have a life of your own to live.
 

RedNeckINTP

She sounds like a trophy wife type, you sound like you are looking for someone down to earth. You are a 23 y/o INTJ? Get rid of her and move along no matter how bad it hurts. Whatever you do don't think its the end of your life if you lose her. Suck it up and move on.
 
TS
TS
Hym3n

Hym3n

New Member
Jan 13, 2005
1,157
CO
First and foremost, I like all of these replies, and they all seem well-thought-out and informative in their own ways. Thank you everyone, this has helped. For what its worth while on the phone today she told me that she'd bought tickets for us to go to an airshow on our 2.5yr anniversary next weekend. She'll have fun too, but she knows that airshows and airplanes are a big interest of mine, so I take it as a gift for me... and I really like hearing things like that during times like this. The girl's still being thoughtful towards me.

Here's some standout information for me:

...build a lifestyle for yourself where your happiness doesn't depend on any external factors ... doing it is for YOU only, and not to "win her back".

As far as your girlfriend goes, she's 20 years old. I don't care how mature she is, that's the age where people start discovering who they are and drastic changes are made. She's sending you signals that she can't put into words, so let her go and discover her own path...
The first bit is entirely true of me. In my "mature" life, rather, life after age 16, although not entirely mature, just old enough to make reasonable decisions for myself, I've only been single for one, 12-month stint. During that time I grew and developed into a very strong, independent-leader type, with many diverse friends that longed to spend time with me.

This may perhaps be my fatal flaw, however, as its the one effeminate thing that I do; where, when I get into a relationship, I tend to take on some of my partners' qualities, and thus, tend to become dependent on them. Single Hym3n is a very, VERY different person than Relationship Hym3n. And while Single Hym3n may have his shit together a LOT more, he's ultimately a much shittier person, and is completely unfit for relationship. So on one hand, maybe this means I shouldn't be looking for love at this age, while on the other, maybe a big part of this is my fault for not being capable of integrating the qualities of one into the other.


I believe that everyone we meet is either there for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I am sure you will do fine!
Thank you for this bit, I liked it.

Need friends in the metroplex?

Shoot me a PM. I spend a lot of time with the Dallas crew. They're great guys and helped me out of a similar funk.

I moved to Dallas 6 months ago knowing literally no one here.
I just may do that sometime man. I'm born and raised here, and had plenty of friends growing up, but lost touch with most after high school, and for virtually all of my college career I've been glued to one girl after another. Looks like we do have at least one thing in common though (re: avatar), and my DFW 3000GT group has always been great to me. Unfortunately a lot of the other members that I've known for years are moving on of moving out.

Do not fall into the trap of "If we just move in together the rest will work itself out." Of all shack up arrangements that failed, 100% of them already had fatal flaws before the move in, albeit often flaws that no one saw or wanted to see. If anything, moving in will accelerate the flameout.
...
A few years from now the wisdom will come to you on its own. You are smart enough to see the end, and that by itself is a solid step forward.
...
Good luck, bro.
:wavey:
"But, things will work out!" I know, and you're very right in saying that. Its so hard to even CONCEIVE any thought other than that at this time though. Although I'm smart enough to realize that the lack of time spent together isn't entirely the problem, I'm concurrently thinking that spending more time together would help things. Unfortunately, in our current situation, the only way to do that is to move in with each other.

...when that happens you need to understand that you need to have a life of your own to stand on, if you are emotionally dependent on others you'll just become a soccerball for others to play with ,bring the power of your life back where it belongs...
...
Remember clearly You can only love someone, you cannot hold them prisoner, the important thing about a relationship is being together but allowing eachother to do their own thing.

If i were you i would talk with her, and ask her what she wants from the relationship, that way you can make changes within the situation you are in, and maby change it up to the point where she stays. Don't be desperate, a woman doesn't want a man who hangs on her legs, she instead wants someone reliable who she can lean on instead.

But If i where you tho, i would fight for my relationship. Just do wild and interesting things within your relationship so that she doesn't have to find excitement in someone else, and make her laugh, and make sure you have your life in order and be romantic. When you do, you can ask her to marry you, hopefully she'll stay with you that way, however blessed is the person who expects nothing, for that person will not be disappointed. Its all about not caring if she leaves or not, that way you show you have a life of your own to live.
I like this a lot, and its very similar to the first reply. Thank you. I obviously want to fix things, but there's just a lot of things standing in my way. I'm not sure that she's 100% committed to doing the same, and its very hard to persuade someone's opinion over something like that (not to mention the ethical dilemma over whether its right or wrong). For the meantime, we ARE still spending time together when its possible, and talking on the phone today I mentioned that since my schedule is so much more structured vs. her's being more flexible, that I'd like for her to take a minute and set aside some time to spend with me vs. her new friends, as I can't accommodate her schedule quite the same. She seemed to understand, and I know that that alone will help things.

Doing new things is a huge part of it as well. In ANY relationship, new or old, you have to know how to spice things up from time to time (and not only in the bedroom, although that's important as well). The area we live in, Dallas/Ft. Worth, has a TON of activities to do, the only problem for us at least, is that we've been together for a good chunk of time, and have spent damn near every day together. Its very hard to find things that we HAVEN'T done already, but I'm working on it.
She sounds like a trophy wife type, you sound like you are looking for someone down to earth. You are a 23 y/o INTJ? Get rid of her and move along no matter how bad it hurts. Whatever you do don't think its the end of your life if you lose her. Suck it up and move on.
Honestly this was probably my favorite reply so far. Sometimes it takes a "kick in the ass" post like this to get things across. Am I going to leave her right now? No, probably not. But, you're very observant. In a lot of ways, she IS a trophy wife. In so many more, she isn't. Its very hard to explain because she's very different from any other girl that I've ever been with. My prior two girlfriends were the polar extremes of that coin, one, a 100% trophy wife, the other, a 100% "mom" figure. Neither were good mates. This girl, however, seems to have both qualities, only, is growing into them backwards from most. In the beginning she was much more down to earth and much more into the self, love, and homeliness of things. Now I get the impression that she only wants to go out to be seen, oogled at, and otherwise draw people out as an attention whore. And as much as I love it, it gets old sometimes.

That kind of thing isn't particularly a reason for me to leave her though, as she still very much has the qualities of a down to earth girl. She makes us dinner regularly, she cleans up and has the place looking nice for me when I come over, she'll lay back on the couch and watch a movie on a weekend night over going out (provided she doesn't have to work), and generally prefers to do more low-key/cheap activities with me when we have free time. The key word there, however, is "with me," as when around her friends, its pretty much the exact opposite. Makes me wonder how much they're influencing her, so of course I'm trying to be as good as possible with them.
 

deusexaethera

OT Supporter
Jan 27, 2005
18,592
Sounds to me like the relationship has run its course. Kudos to you for entering into it without an exit strategy (something I've always despised, even if it hurts less), but people grow and change and don't always know how to adapt to each other's changes. It's the same with platonic friends, I'm sure you're aware. Time was, it was the woman's job to sacrifice her own personality to accommodate her husband's personal growth, but that's not the case anymore, and with the limited life experience you two have there's no reason to expect that you'd know how to handle significant personality changes without breaking up and moving on. If you're 23 and you've lasted 2.5 years with the same girl while you've both had vultures clawing at you the entire time, you've done good. When you get significantly older and wiser you'll recognize that accomplishment for what it is.

For my part, I hope to have an anniversary someday. You've already got me beat in that regard.
 

JohnQPoster

New Member
Nov 12, 2010
780
What I am reading is that you cannot spend a lot of time with your girl because of your new job. That is hard, especially if you arn't living together.

Your girlfriend is young, attractive, and financially stable. I wouldn't be quick to let go of that. If the main problem is that you don't spend enough time together your only given 24 hours in a day but you'll need to make time. Grown people don't get to sit around and hang out all day like kids do.

If this is not the problem figure out what is. Talk to your girl about your feelings, tell her that you do not get to spend enough time with her. There might not be anything either of you can do about it, but it might make her feel better to know that you are feeling the same way she is.

If the problem is time not being spent together and this is a circumstance beyond control, it may help if the two of you can reach an understanding. You could become united in your hatred of this unchangeable circumstance.

Talk to her about your concerns whatever they may be, try to get your girl on the same page as yourself.
 

Users who are viewing this thread

About Us

  • Please do not post anything that violates any Local, State, Federal or International Laws. Your privacy is protected. You have the right to be forgotten. Site funded by advertising, link monetization and member support.
OT v15.8.1 Copyright © 2000-2022 Offtopic.com
Served by fu.offtopic.com

Online statistics

Members online
428
Guests online
79
Total visitors
507

Forum statistics

Threads
369,753
Messages
16,917,885
Members
86,875
Latest member
ddunn9448