I posted this here because I seek the advice of the Vag', I've always respected the outlook the Vag' provides . . . I'm not totally sure this belongs in The Asylum. Anyways, here is some background. . . I know it's extremely difficult to give advice without knowing some history. - (Jul 05 -Dec 05) Had crush on girl/good friend at work - (Jan 06) Girl became single (as well as myself) and I asked girl out* - (Jan 06 - Feb 06) Went out on several dates before intimacy/sex was involved - (Feb 06) After several dates we decided to be intimate - (Mar 06) After being intimate several times - we decided to be exclusive** - (Late Mar 06) We move in together - (Mar 06 - Dec 06) During the beginning of our exclusive relationship, intimacy/affection was abundant. - (Dec 06) After some time (6-8 months +/-) intimacy/affection starts to slacks off - way off. - (Jan 07-Present) Been a rollercoaster ride regarding sex/intimacy/affection - meaning we fought about it, argued about it even considered ending the relationship * As stated, she had became single. I was in a relationship myself, but not deeply involved. She was engaged, but had been extremely unhappy for quite some time. As things ended with her fiance, I came into the picture. Most will say she was on the rebound, but since she was so unhappy for so long, it more of a blessing than anything. Also as stated, she and I were good friends at work so we talked about alot of personal things and helped each other through situations etc. . . ** I was still "seeing" someone at this time - basically a FWB. However I wanted to make a commitment to my current SO. At this point in time, I felt needed to make a decision (for myself, and for both of them, but neither forced me to make a decision). Anyways, I sat them both down (individually) and explained how I felt, and why I made the decision to be exclusive to my current SO. The girl I decided to call things off with, was extremely cool and supportive of my decision. Eventhough she had feelings for me, she didn't want an exclusive relationship anyways. She wanted to remain friends, this will later come to haunt me. (See #7 later in the thread) Things that (she) led to the change in intimacy levels. (which were brought up in discussions/arguments/fights) These are in some sort of order, but not really. #1 - Stress She states that if she's stressed, she feels that's she not in the mood to be sexual/intimate or show affection for fear of it leading to sexual/intimate actions. Her stress is derived from everything known to man. True story. The Drive home from work stresses her out. Work stresses her out. School stresses her out. Finances stresses her out. Seriously, alot of shit stresses her out. #2 - Juggling School/Work/Chores She is (was - graduated this Dec.) part time student and works full time. Juggling homework, house chores and stress associated with work ultimately leads to her being stressed out. Please see #1. Also, all of these things were within her life before she and I decided to be exclusive. #3 - Birth Control Claims BC was the cause for her being "not in the mood". She claims it altered her hormone level(s). She came off it, but no change in the situation resulted from it. #4 - Prescription Drugs I did some research and read that her prescription anti-depressant has been known to alter people's libido. She tried several additional supplements as well as started cutting her pills in half. Again, not much change resulted from our efforts. #5 - Discovery of Porn She found out that I like to view porn on the internet. Pornography repulses her immensely. I resorted to porn as an avenue of release since intimacy within our relationship had slacked off. Her discovering that I view/watch porn degraded me as a person she says. It associates with me with the "all the rest of typical males". However, we all know I haven't stopped looking at porn, but I have tried to look at it less, as well as, cover my tracks (cookies/history etc.) I tried to explain myself and desire to view porn as merely a release/alternative, but she's so closed minded about it, it's no use. #6 Peer Pressure/"Nagging" I've been told that when I ask her about it, it turns her completely off. She refers to it as "nagging her about it". I can understand that, sex should be consensual for both parties, one should never have to literally ask for it. BUT, it came to the point where I'd rather ask her for it and be told "no", than get horny and try attempt to make a physical move and get rejected. I'd rather be told a simple "no" than get all in-the-mood and get rejected. She's also brought to my attention that I make smart-ass/sly comments referring to sex or lack there of. It's also been brought to my attention that my flirty/perverted personality annoys her sometimes, which also turns her off. I'm sort of confused by these statements, because I have been this way since day one of our relationship. BUT, I've tried to change my ways a bit, but it's extremely hard to compromise "who you are". I am trying my best to be less verbally "abusive" about sex. I've also been told I don't "try" that often, meaning I don't try to intiate sex or try to get her turned on. This leads back to me getting rejected, so I save myself the rejection. I was accused of not being romantic enough, but I remembered my romanticisms and flirtyness annoyed her. #7 - Talking to an old Friend During early part of 07, I began talking to the old friend/FWB/"Ex." She had initially seeked advice from me regarding some situations in her life. As things started changing with my current SO, I tried talking to my SO to see what the culprit is/was. Our discussions usually led to fights/arguments - utimately no where. Since this door with the "ex" was now open, I turned to this "ex" for advice. We talked through text/emails. We never met up in person. All that to say, my current SO discovered I was communicating with her and she wasn't happy about it, at all. We discussed/talked/fought about my communicating with her, and I opted to end all communcation with the "ex", and I did so. I recently (few weeks ago) found out, this "took a big piece" of my current SO. She blamed all those things mentioned above (which I believe are culprits too) and then recently brought this up. We hadn't spoken of this since the time it happened, not even a hint. Whenever she mentionen it, it was like she just kinda tossed it out there. It wasn't like we were deep argument and she blurted it out there like some huge burden had been lifted from her when she mentioned it. I think she just wanted to throw it my face. Lastly, the problem(s) existed before I even started speaking to the "ex". . . #8 - Herself Another thing is, that usually at the end of all our conversations or arguments, she ultimately puts the blame on herself. Stating the problem lies within her, but doesn't know what to do to fix it or what I can do to assist in fixing it. Anyways, there's the list. Lastly, and most importantly, is how all of this has made me feel. I feel useless, and unwanted. Other aspects of our relationship seem to be alright. We have a good time together. We enjoy the same activities. Our goals in life are very much similar. Sometimes I just feel like I am a complete whack-job, for putting so much emphasis on intimacy and sex, but it's something I enjoy, and it makes me happy. I don't think I want anything extreme, I think a good sex life is very important to a relationship's success. Another thing that confuses me, is sex is very satisfying and pleasurable to her (when we have it). I can tell she puts her guard up - meaning she's afraid to be affectionate. I think she fears that if we hug for longer than 5 seconds or exchange a passionate kiss it means we have to go into the bedroom. She's admitting to feeling this way, and can't explain why. I sometimes feel that affection and intimacy are viewed (to her) as a pile of dirty dishes that she has to do. Jeezus, I better stop before I ramble to no end. As stated, I seek the advice of anyone who's experienced this. I also appreciate any (positive) advice anyone wants to offer. I was nearing my wick's end, but as of late, things seem to be looking up. I'm not certain we're not just on one of the "ups" of this rollercoaster. I mentioned the ghost of an ex, I'm not totally certain she's over that. If can't get over that, this relationship will never work. I know you're gonna ask, what do I want? I want things to return to way things were in the beginning stages of our relationship. I feel the relationship is salvagable, I'm just sick of arguing about the same ol shit. IF the problem truely lies within her, I wish I knew what do to do fix it. I'm sick of feeling this way. I know without any doubt she loves me, and I truely love her. However, I will not live my life feeling this way. Sometimes I wish I didn't love her so much, it would make leaving would so much easier to do. Cliffs: Woman troubles - Will my relationship survive. Thanks to all those who took the time to read this in it's entirity. I know it was long as hell.