SRS FML *epically long* (anonymous post)

Darketernal

Watch: Aria The Origination =)
I've not been on this site much since I created my account, but this seems like a place where people might actually read, respond to, and discuss things in a serious manner, rather than just the typical intardweb fuckery. I feel like I could actually use some of that so here goes . . .


I turned 27 yesterday.

I live in my parents' basement, and pretty much always have. Technically there were a few months where I was working in another city, and stayed most nights with a girlfriend there, but that hardly counts.

I am currently unemployed. I have only ever had two jobs in my life. I got a job at McDonald's on my 16th birthday and worked there for a number of years. I did receive several promotions, and actually made pretty good money, but it's still not something I'm particularly proud of or anything. I also worked as a bartender for a while, which was mostly enjoyable, and paid well, but I didn't feel like I was going in the direction I wanted, and decided to quit and come home. (this is the few months I mentioned above. I had the job for about a year, and for several months I stayed with this girl I met while working there. We broke up, and I quit the job a month or two later)

I do not have a college degree. I have plenty of college credit hours in all kinds of subjects, and I suppose that with a couple of years of work, I could actually have one of any number of degrees, but it hasn't come together yet.

I do not have a girlfriend. (obviously, lol) I dated the same, emotionally dependent, needy, kinda chubby girl for about eight years. I can't say that the good times weren't good, but in the end nothing came of it. She wanted more, and I couldn't/wouldn't step up. The breakup was drawn out over a year and a half or so, with plenty of uncertainty, back and forth crap, and each of us attempting to see other people. (the year I spent bartending in another city, and living with the the girl I met there is the middle part of this time) When I broke up with the girl in the bar, quit the job, and came home, we were supposed to be working things out. That didn't happen. We broke up once and for all, and it wasn't pretty. This was about a year and a half ago. She got engaged about three months after that final breakup, and was married within a few more months. I have not had a girlfriend, been on a date, kissed a girl, or participated in any sexual activity with a female since the breakup. It's not that I'm still so heartbroken over it that I don't want to, and it's not that I can't find a girl to associate with; I just haven't felt particularly motivated to do so. In some ways, I guess I am still pretty bitter over the whole thing, but I wouldn't say that's the reason for my lack of interest/effort with regard to a romantic life. In the long term, I feel like I would like to find something meaningful that will last, but I feel like I need to straighten out my life in order to be in any position to find that. With that being the eventual goal, random sexual encounters do not seem all that appealing.

By most people's standards I have a drinking problem. It's not that I drink all the time, maybe once or twice a week, but I have a tendency to overdo it. I've been a lot better about this lately, but in the past, when I did drink, I would often do so until I blacked out, and then, obviously, I would occasionally do some offensive things or make some questionable decisions.

I have a not insignificant amount of credit card debt. It's not spiraling out of control or anything, but it is there, and not going away as quickly as I would like. Not having a job obviously doesn't help this. I had a pretty decent amount of money in savings after I quit my last job and got a decent tax return so I've managed thus far to keep up minimum payments or get into payment plans of some kind.

I'm starting to get kind of round in the midsection. I'm 5'11", 180 lbs, so I'm not huge or anything, but in the past I have always been a trim, physically fit kind of guy. I can still get out and run a few miles in a pretty respectable time, and have been trying to do this a few times a week, but drinking and eating crap has kept the weight where it is. I guess I'm a pretty good looking guy, and when I was in shape I was pretty happy with myself over all. This is no longer the case.

I could probably keep going and bitch about every other little aspect of my life but I think I've covered most of the bases. I'm just pretty generally displeased with my life as a whole. It seems like there's a lot more wrong than right, and I just don't know what to do anymore. Well, I do know, I just don't ever get much done about it. I've clearly identified most of my problems, and could obviously come up with the solution to those problems, but it just never seems to work out for me. It seems like there's so much wrong that it's just overbearing, and I don't have any hope of getting everything turned around. I feel like I need a life coach or something.

I mean, I'm not stupid. I've never been tested, but I would guess I have a slightly above average IQ, maybe even better. I'm rational, and level headed, and usually a great critical thinker and problem solver. In the past, coworkers and friends have come to me with their problems and I've always been good at helping them figure things out and come up with solutions. I just can't seem to do the same for myself.

I feel bad for my parents, with such a slacker for a son. They don't necessarily say anything to me about it, but it's not like I've given them anything to be proud of.

I'm mostly an introvert (if it's not obvious at this point) and don't typically like people very much, but I still feel like I ought to be able to live up to other people's standards. It's not like I really value other people's opinion too much, but it still makes me feel worthless by not being seen as an impressive achiever in their eyes. In the past I've never had a lot of friends, but I used to have more than I do now. I've still got a few very close friends, and I've known most of them for a very long time. My small little group sort of gets each other; I guess we're all in similar situations to one degree or another. Of course, for all I know, that's a bad thing if we all just sit around and sulk, rather than getting anything done about it.

I am in school (again). I've had about a million different ideas for career paths I would like to take, and all of them would be acceptable to me, I've just never gone very far down any one road. I guess I am horribly indecisive about things that don't necessarily have just one right or wrong answer. Anyway, my latest idea is pharmacist. Anything technical or science related is interesting to me, and pharmacist seems like a great career to get into. I'm still second guessing myself though. I'm in my third semester of a pre-pharmacy program, and although I find the material very interesting, I've only been able to maintain average or so grades. I have a hard time actually studying or completing homework. I sit down at the desk and I end up turning the computer on and just browsing randomly, posting on the few forums I'm active on, or looking at porn or something. Hell, I've got stuff I need to do for tomorrow and I'm spending time typing this post. Obviously pharmacy schools are incredibly selective, and I don't know how great a chance I stand with my spotty academic past, and my current average or so grades. I have little doubt that when the time comes, I'll manage a top percentile score on the PCAT, and figure I could interview fairly well if given the opportunity, but I don't know if those things alone will make the cut. I also need to get off my ass and find some things to volunteer for or get involved with so I have that going for me as well. I'd hate to get to the end of this, and be one of the people that don't actually get in. Then I'll end up with a BS in microbiology (my current major, in addition to the pre-pharmacy stuff) and can maybe get a job in a hospital lab or something. Or maybe not.

I obviously don't have any insurance but I wonder if a Dr.'s visit might help me out. I don't know if I suffer from any legitimate depression; I tend to have a pretty negative world view in addition to my dissatisfaction with my own life. I feel like that's just the way I am, but I guess I can't completely rule out the possibility that I have some kind of clinical depression and I should consider medication of some kind. I just don't know. I also figure I could get on some kind of ADD/ADHD medication, and maybe I would be able to focus better on my schoolwork. I've always been of the opinion that ADD was just made up by parents who want an excuse for their little angel being stupid or annoying or whatever, but if it really would help me though, then I guess I'd be all for it. I don't know how likely it is though, to walk into some kind of clinic or whatever, and request Adderall and actually get it.

I don't express myself very well when it comes to personal problems. As I mentioned, I have a pretty close circle of friends with whom I can discuss some things. Most of us have gone through a pretty bad breakup at one point. We all tend to drink to much. We're all uncertain about our futures. Even with them though, I'm hesitant to just put it all out there. I've never tried talking to a therapist or counselor or anything, but am wondering if maybe I should. Like I said, no insurance, and no job really limits possibilities for legitimate medical care/treatment/advice, but my school does have some kind of counseling center. I don't want to go in there though, and feel like it was a waste of time, and I completely opened up to somebody for no reason. Nor do I want any kind of record of it going in my school record. I guess technically it wouldn't but who knows.

Now that I've typed all this shit out, I don't really even know what I'm looking for. Like I said, I can obviously identify my problems. I can even identify solutions. It's just the implementation and actually following through with things that I have trouble with. I almost wish I could be 8 years old again, and have my parents ride me to get stuff done. I'd probably be miserable but at least I'd be a straight-A student again, and possibly be on track to a decent future. Otherwise, I don't know what I'm going to do. I've developed a kind of admiration for Christopher McCandless, or even Ted Kaczynski (without the bombs). That is, just go live in the woods in a shed or a tent or something and just not deal with it anymore. Hunt, scavenge, plant a small garden, gather firewood, I don't know, just something simple, and honest, where I don't have to deal with all kinds of crap.

Anyway, I guess I feel a little better having typed all this. Like I said, I'm not sure what kind of response I'm looking for, or will get. Realistically, if somebody bothers to read all this, that would pretty impressive in and of itself. Obviously, if anybody has any advice, words of wisdom, suggestions, criticisms, or whatever, I'm happy to hear them.

Thank you in advance.
 

rapscallion

Banned
Jul 18, 2010
8,260
Sounds like you are overwhelmed with the idea of all the responsibilities and things you have going on in your life. Trying to simplify it is a good idea. Break all that stuff down into parts and focus on one at a time. Focus on school and put the rest in the background for now. Get through the schooling and you have eliminated one thing. Change your focus to another and keep going. One thing at a time until you have reduced the things that are burdening you and have simplified your life.
 

AgGoNy

Active Member
Apr 25, 2005
4,991
New Jersey Fool!!!
I have had the similar problem, I was /am in a bs dead end job. had a gf for 8yrs and she broke my heart. (have a new gf 1yr later, who is awesome) I decided to finish school 2yrs ago and this dec. i graduate and am already looking into graduate school.


Do something about career/school, just pick something and go with it - you said pharmacists, awesome, regardless of wheter you like it or not, you will have the degree under your belt and will find career opportunities elsewhere, dont know where your from but most places here in nj require a bachelors to mop floors (jk/ but for entry level)

Pick something and focus, it is amazing how everything just begins to happen for you when you are pursuing something. When i decided to finish school, i saw not only opportunities present themselves to me, but i felt much better about myself.

Don't worry about the your age. we all fuck up, hell i financially ruined myself, talk about feeling like shit. I just made myself a plan and called it operation broke, 70% of my paycheck went to cc bill. paid that shit off and moved on to new things. in just 2 yrs i have grown considerably and have amazed myself with what i can do. I grew up in the hood where the highlight was just getting a job.
 

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