I didn't, and I don't plan to. I do plan on defending myself and if you want to flame me for it, go right ahead. If the thread gets locked, oh well, at least my side will be known. THIS WILL BE LONG! First off, the living situation. We had an apartment here in Omaha and were doing great. Well, almost. He had threatened to leave several times because of stupid fights, and everytime I begged him to stay. Then in late August he really decided to leave. He put in his two weeks and got rid of everything in the apartment. This was my fault and I will clearly admit to it. I lost my job because I had an ulcer and missed a week of work. I took to long to find a job and took advantage of what I had. I regret every day that I acted like that. I actually had started my new job before he actually moved but it was too late. We had an agreement that I would take care of our two dogs (a chihuahua and an american bulldog/ black lab mix) until the end of October which would be enough time for him to get a job and get his own place. But he ended up not having enough money until January so I went out there for New Year's Eve (not feeling very well the whole time) and we picked out an apartment and signed a lease. About a day or two later, I decided I needed to take a pregnancy test (Matt (spizarxxx) had come to visit me in the middle of December and well, ya know) and it came back positive. I cried but Matt was amazingly strong. I asked him if he wanted the baby but he never gave me a definite answer. It was always whatever I wanted to do. Which was good and bad because he didn't pressure me to do anything but at the same time I always wondered if he had secretly wanted me to have an abortion or give it up for adoption. So I decided I wanted to have the baby but the only way I thought I could do that was to move to Colorado because I thought my family would not want me to have it. So I told Matt I would move out there as soon as I could. Now I need to backtrack for a minute to before I got pregnant. The friend of mine was just that, a friend. He lived with two other women who were also my girlfriends from work. We would all hang out because none of us had money most of the time to do anything else. Plus the fact that I didn't have any other friends really. Now this friend started to like me but I didn't know that. One night, he tried to kiss me and I pushed him away. I told him that I had a boyfriend who I loved very much and I did not like him like that. And he was cool with it. But I should have done what Matt had asked me and not seen him anymore. But I was so lonely for some sort of friendship that I was blind to the damage I was doing to my relationship. Back to the apartment. I finally told my mom at the end of January that I was pregnant and she surprisingly didn't freak. She said if I wanted to move to Colorado she wouldn't stop me but she just wanted me to know that that wasn't my only option. I used to suffer from sever panic attacks, anxiety disorder, and depression. Pretty messed up I know. But I spoke with my doctor and she said that being in Colorado an hours highway drive away from anyone I know and 600 miles away from my family would not be safe for me. I have a very high chance of suffering from post partum depression which would not be safe for me or the baby. So I made my decision to stay here and Matt made his choice to stay there. So we were going to continue the long distance relationship until after I had the baby and was comfortable of taking care of him on my own and then I would move out to Denver to be with Matt. But I started to get jealous of the fact that he got to stay out there and live his life while I was here staying home everyday because I didn't want to be around friends who smoked or drank all the time. This caused problems and I was heart broken. My baby or the man I loved. What was I supposed to do? So we broke up and didn't talk for a month or whatever it was and then we started talking again because he posted a thread about me on a local radio stations message board. I was furious because he accused me of sleeping with someone else and was doubting that the baby was his. Not to mention that it was my hometown and my family didn't even know yet. Anyone who saw that would have known exactly who he was talking about even though he didn't mention my name because he signed it with his real name and his dj name. We started talking and he told me he was on the edge of hurting himself or something worse. I was scared so I called his mom. If anything ever happened to him, it would always be my fault and I couldn't live with that. He apologized for what he said and I forgave him. He also said that after that, there was no doubt in his or his mother's mind that this child was his. So we continued talking for some time. Now I have to backtrack again. In February I had told him that I was going to have my sonogram (the only one I get) on April 21st I think it was, whatever the last Monday in April was. That way he could come out for the weekend and then only have to take one or two vacation days off of work. He told me he tried to ask off for that day but 4 other people had already asked off for that day so he couldn't get it. Not his fault I didn't hold it against him. But then I said I could move it to another day and he told me he couldn't afford to miss any days off work. Ok, I understand that. But then a few weeks later he told me that his friend in Atlanta bought him a two way plane ticket to go visit him down there. I was excited for him but then realized that he would be missing a week off of work. And he was leaving the 30th of April, a few days after I was to have my sonogram. I was very, very hurt. I knew he needed this vacation. I knew it would be good for him. But I also knew that this was something big he was missing out on and he would never have the chance to see again since I only get one. This is the other big reason why we broke up the first time. Then I had the sonogram and by this time we were talking again. I found out it was a beautiful baby boy and I couldn't be more happy. This was on a Wednesday so Matt was leaving the following Saturday for Atlanta. I immediately went home and scanned in the sonogram pictures and placed them on a website I had created just for the purpose of getting the pictures to Matt as soon as possible. I talked to him that night because he had gone out with friends after work and I told him he should run over to the club house business center, as he doesn't have internet in his apartment, and that way he could see the pictures while I was on the phone with him. He told me that it was late and he had to get up early the next morning so was it ok if he looked at them tomorrow. I objected at first and got a little upset but I was ok. The next day I spoke to him right when he got home which is about 6ish my time I think, and said you should go over there really quick. All he said was, "Ashley, I have things to do." I instantly started crying and he got mad. I told him that some things he says hurt me and I don't cry to make him feel bad, I cry because I'm hurt and I can't help it. I didn't care at that point if he wanted to move here and stay there, I just wanted him to be excited or at least interested. He never asked how I was doing, how the baby was doing, or how any of my appointments went or anything like that. I was falling in love with my baby but when I talked to Matt, whether he meant to or not, it was like our son didn't even exist. I told him he needed to take some time to decide whether he wanted to be a part of this or not. My son is my first priority and everything I do now, I ask myself, how will this affect him. I started school and am working towards my bachelors. I work and pay all my own bills. I don't go out for the simple fact that one) I don't want to be around my friends who smoke because it could hurt my baby and two) I feel so out of place. I go to school, then work, then I come home. Every once in awhile I get to go to the grocery store. I have NOT slept with anyone while I was with Matt nor after I broke up with Matt. Not to mention that that is just wrong to sleep with someone else while you are carrying another man's child, and that I could be putting my child at risk, but part of me then, and still does, holds out. And maybe I was wrong to say that I was emotionally abused. Maybe after telling my story so many times because everyone asks where the father is, and them telling me that the things he has said constitutes emotional abuse, I agreed with it. But he has said things to purposely hurt me that he knows is not true. And he knows what I'm talking about because we have fought about them many times. The relationship probably was abusive both ways. We both took advantage of different things that slowly killed what we had. Every day I regret everything I have done wrong. Every night I dream of the family I could have had. Matt as my husband and Kayden as my little boy. Everyday I want to jump in my car and drive to Denver and show up at his door, with my bags in hand. But I can't. I can't leave school in the middle of a semester. I can't leave thinking that I'm just going to get the door slammed in my face. I can't leave very well knowing that I could be putting my son and myself at risk. I made the original post because I wanted opinions. I'm not looking to date but I wanted an uplifter to know that things can work out, no matter what. And Matt, you did the same thing and I forgave you and you said a lot more in the one you made bashing me than anything I said about you. And I still forgave you. You will be in my life forever, if you choose to. I will never deny you your son. I want him to have the great father that you can be. And I never meant to say that if you didn't come here you would be a bad father. I just wanted you to understand that 30,000 a year is nothing compared to having a father there every day in person. Flame me if you want, and call me stupid if you feel the need, but I still love him. I will always love him. And to my own torment, I'm still in love with him. Most of me hopes that someday we could still make it. I have to have another ultrasound because he's not growing like he should and if Matt would like to be there, I would love for him to come. I also want Matt there in the delivery room with me when our child is born. Maybe I can't move on when I probably should. But I can forgive everything, I wish he could do the same. This is all only half the story. Many other things have gone on that I didn't put in here and a lot that I've just forgotten. Just know that I'm not this horrible person believe it or not. I'm just as lost as you were Matt.