This is more of a rant then anything.. Lately, Ive been feeling as if everything and everyone's been closing in on me. Granted, Im not perfect, theres alot of things about me that I should be changing, and at least attempting to. I feel as if everyone has just been focusing more on my faults then anything ever. I get nothing positive half the time anymore. If theres nothing to fight about with anyone, people around me just try to start anything, from small things. My parents feel that Im "wasting" their time and money up here, that I have no "plans" or a direction. However, alot of this is partially my own fault, because I dont communicate as much as I should with them, leaving them to only hear the "bad" things about me and thats it. So, it's kind of hard to change their pre-concieved notion about me. My faults usually stem from my own lack of willingness mainly. Just alot of small things, but always somehow ammounts to "big deals," resulting in parents telling me I should just move back with them and take classes locally there, just because they *think* im not helping maintaining a house here, when in fact I have, and my brother just tends to deny it, regardless, who my parents listen to over me. Ive always felt "2nd," through birth and life. I feel everyone is expecting me to be like him, when I dont want to. I have my own life and people dont seem to understand and respect that. Ive spent 7 1/2 years of my life doing just military, military and military, since 11 to almost my 19th b-day. I know I wasnt a perfect cadet in the program, but I sure as hell tried. Ive planned since to join the military as an officer through college, but lately, Ive felt just burnt out. My family dosnt seem to understand this, and confuse it, and consider me lazy. Its really fucking frustrating when you've been the one doing the "military thing" your whole life, where as the brother hasnt, but then decides to get into it randomly in college, and supercedes you just because of age, AND then people expect you to be "just like him." For example, monday, we had PT (army ROTC) Im not the fastet runner, thats one thing I know I need to work on, and the senior cadet who's trying to motivate me says "Come on! Keep up the pace, your a *My last name*! I asked what she meant by that, she responded "Your *Last name*'s bro, right? Well you have to be just like him you know." Shit like that, just dosnt make me want to do shit if it involves him. For one, Ive yet to ever be respected for the things make me happy. "Oh, your bro can collect guns and beer bottles and whatever, but wait, building replica's and costumes and shit you wear for charity events and visit terminally ill children in? No, thats stupid." Yes, its silly, but fucking christ, it makes me happy to know that I was able to build something and call it my own. My parents dont understand that very well, and no one else but the people who are also involved understand. I dont want them to understand, I want them to just respect it and leave it at that, instead of harping on my ass about it all the time. Because of this, my HOBBY, Ive been able to not only work at my college's theatre by helping them build sets and whatever for plays, but Ive also been able to get involved in a program that Ive wanted to get into for a VERY long time. Granted, Im only a volunteer, but still, Im still able to come in and do what I can, in the hopes of getting more involved and learning new things. I dont have a job at the moment, but then again, it's been hard to get one, friends and people Ive talked to in the tally area KNOW how hard it is for a college student to get a job is. So, like Ive already spewed over this site before, Im using MY HOBBY as a small source of income. But whenever I need to work on a prop or piece that I have been paid to do, I get crap for working on it, "you shouldnt be using the garage, it's just for cars," meanwhile, theres a fucking literal garage band right across the street Another thing that Ive been doing that relates to my hobby, has been a fundraiser for a known propmaker's wife who was stricken with cancer. Im not the only one participating, but I feel Im doing something generous to the cause, and even then, people around me still just "dont care" and continue with the negatives. Another positive is that Ive found a local community band that I joined monday, and I get to play Tuba again for the first time in about a year and a half. I expect to get alot out from this, but I feel that it's just gonna become another "bad thing." The whole idea of being a "failiure" is being thrown onto me like a wet towel. In one sense, I feel that I am setting something up for my future, but I havent narrowed it down to any one specific thing yet. Where I understand that my parents want me to succeed, I think they only hear and treat me like "number two." Having been cheated on in my first and last relationship makes me feel like Ive hit rock bottom, despite getting over it. I mean getting dumped one week, and then getting laid off the next? I mean, how should one feel after that? Ive got alot of shit to sort out and deal with. I just hope I "make everyone happy, so I can feel even more miserable then I am "