I just wanted to share this here. I thought it way more appropriate than the main forum. Hope you laugh as much as I did or get some ideas..... You Know You're Kinky when... ...you keep fake hanging plants around the house, just so your mother will never know what all those hooks in the ceiling are really for ..you realize you've charged more in lingerie than you get paid in a year ..you have more toys than your kids ..your toilet seat is leather. ..you take up macrame, just to learn some new knots ..you start rating your CDs by how interesting it'll be to beat someone to (guilty) ..someone asks how long you've been doing this ponygirl routine, and you snort and start to stamp your foot ..your favorite dessert is hot crossed buns ... and you don't eat sweets ..someone says they have a leatherman, you almost say "me too!" ...before you realize they are talking about the tool gadget on their belt. ..you watch a movie where someone gets tied up and scream at the screen,"Gimme a break, 3 minutes max to get out of that!" (guilty) ..you go to the local county fair and salivate when the horse jumps are setup. ..you have a list by the phone for the baby-sitter.... Hospital, Family, and three 24 hour locksmiths ...you are on a first name basis with all the local EMT's ..you join the SCA just so you can learn to make your own chainmail and work with leather! (not exactly.....) ...you speak of crop rotation with someone, and they aren't a farmer ...you try to get arrested, just for the handcuffs , body cavity search,humiliation scene and time in the cage. ..Avon tells you stop writing, they are not going to make eau d'leather aftershave ..vanilla means anything BUT a flavoring for ice cream! (definitely) ..leather companies start giving you the wholesale to distributor discount. ..you can't pass a candle factory without drooling -- or wetting your seat (oh yeah) ..your kids ask you about conditioning leather .... and it takes you a minute to realize they are talking about their baseball gloves. .."chain letter" has a whole different meaning to you. ..you haunt the dollar stores for "pervertibles" ..you've got a toy chest bigger than the one in your 6 year old son's room. ..your children ask if they can borrow your "costumes" for Halloween. ..your body piercings set off the metal detectors at the court house. ..you need two separate packing and moving crews.... one to pack and move the furniture and belongings, and the other to pack and move the "furniture" and "belongings". ..the local Home Depot has set you up with a business account... and you are not a contractor or an electrician. ..escape artists come to you for advice. ..you say Vanilla like it's a bad word. (always) ..you can't pass by an iron fence without drooling. ..you know the location of every tack shop in the tri-state area. ..your idea of getting a jump in the morning is to hook up the other end of your nipple clamp to the car battery ...you nearly cause an accident pulling into the lot where the sign advertises FREE TODAY HOT WAX before you realize it's a car wash. (ROTFLMAO) ..you cannot get through the opening lines of "Green Eggs and Ham" (I Am Sam,Sam I Am) without giggling hysterically. (hehe) ..your attitude is "electricity, not just a utility, but a way of life". ..you've served more people than McDonald's. ..you spend more time on your knees than a Catholic priest. ..you consider filing a lawsuit for false advertising when the pizza place has a sign for HOT GREEK STYLE SUBS but they wouldn't bend over to please you. (ROTFLMAO) ..you chose your last car based on the location of the garment hooks. ..you sit on Santa's lap to tell him the toys you want for X-mas, and get a free trip to the North Pole. (sounds like fun and I could use my porn store voice) ..you buy clothespins in the supersize family economy bags, and you don't have a family or a clothesline. ..there's enough rope in your bedroom to scale Mt. Everest. ..you find yourself wandering through the wax museum's medieval torture chamber making comments like "gimme a break, my Dom's grandmother could get out of that!" (hehehehe) ..getting tattooed and pierced is merely foreplay. (great foreplay) ..you bought a souvenir replica of the Washington Memorial because you were too cheap to go to the adult store and get a real butt plug. ..you think Hannibal Lecter is a snazzy dresser. (evil grin) ..someone tries to talk you out of your blind date by saying he's sick and sadistic and you perk, god i hope so! (hah! done that) ..turning the switch on has precious little to do with making the lights come on when you enter the room. (hehehehe) ..the first thing you check when looking for a new car is whether the trunk can hold a bound submissive or two. ..you take advantage of the needle exchange program in your city and you have never used intravenous drugs in your entire life. ..you fake injuries just so you can replenish the medical play kit from the ER. ..when you're told your brother-in-law is pussy whipped, it takes you a moment to realize that doesn't necessarily mean he's transgendered. ..you can accurately convert horsepower to # of ponygirls harnessed. ..someone calls your wife a slut and you thank them. ..your favorite letter of the alphabet is O. ..nose to the grindstone is an orgasmic abrasion fantasy. ..you refer to your fully equipped van as "Squeals on Wheels". ..your travel agent recommends a 4 star bed and breakfast as part of your vacation plans; you yawn and ask where the nearest Dungeon and Gruel is to your destination. ..investing in stocks and bonds means refurbishing the play area. ..your children think your primary language is acronyms. ..you overhear your neighbor training his dog to sit, beg, play dead, roll over; and find yourself obeying quicker than the dog does. ..you need to rent a U-Haul to get your toys to the play party. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What NOT to do with your Dominant .... Even if you Are Victorian.: Pushing limits does not mean making Mistress so angry the vein above his right eye throbs. "Quit it!" "Ow, damnit!" "I'm hiding that toy when you go to work tomorrow" and cursing a blue streak are not safe words. "Oh my god, where did you get those, they are gorgeous!!!" is not considered boot worship. "Ya want fries with that?", "Want me to drink it for you too?" are not appropriate remarks when Mistress gives you an elaborate drink order. Flipping your dominant off while your hands are cuffed behind your back is a bad idea. Owners have ways of knowing these things. Putting lube, goop, Superglue, ink or any other substance that will sully the hands of Mistress on her toys while setting up for a session is not a good idea. Kicking that toy you hate far under the bed is futile. Mistress will only secure your wristcuffs to your anklecuffs and make you crawl for it...repeatedly. "Bite me" is never an intelligent response to a command. Doing your Beavis and Butthead imitation of "Fire, fire, fire, fire!" during Mistress's lecture on fireplay safety is considered rude. Responding with "Yes, All Wise, All Knowing Grand Imperial Poohbah" is not appropriate when Mistress asks you if you are comfortable during a bondage scene. Asking to go to the bathroom every five minutes while Mistress practices her Japanese rope work on you will try her patience, quickly. Crossing your eyes and sticking your tongue out while your dominant is discussing your punishment is not wise. There is no such thing as slave immunity, free slave day, or the pms defense. The slave jury might not convict you, but the Dom judge will override the verdict. Count on it. Pretending Mistress's collection of buttplugs are toys and singing the "Weebles wobble but they won't fall down" song is not a good idea. Repeatedly blowing out each candle Mistress lights during wax play will get you punished. Checking Mistress's head for the 666 symbol after a harsh punishment will only get you more of the same, or worse. Additionally, remarking that you didn't realize Satan was a female when you are angry with Mistress is not a good plan. "I know you are but what am I?" is not the appropriate response when called a raunchy little whore during humiliation play. Using the spreader bars, paddles or canes for the fireplace is not a good plan. Asking Mistress if her Midol supply has run out is never appropriate. "Missed me, missed me, now ya gotta kiss me" is an unacceptable remark when Mistress's flogger slips. When Mistress pulls out her bullwhip and says she wants to play, she doesn't mean hide-and-seek...she will find you eventually. Calling Merry Maids when you are ordered to spruce the place up is not what your dominant had in mind. "Faster, faster, we need a new Master" is NOT the song to sing during a session. "Oh, and you think I am?" is an unacceptable response to hearing your dominant say she is not pleased. During a play party is not the time to do your hilarious imitation of Igor and hunch over, moaning "Yes, Marster" when ordered to fetch something. Adding "Sir/Ma'am/Master/Mistress" to "Fuck that plan!" will not save you. Singing the chorus of "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better" under your breath during a session is considered foolhardy. Arguing whether "Mistress might not be right, but Mistress is never wrong" is Zen or Buddhist philosophy will only get you rewarded with kneeling in the corner on a bed of Legos "to help you consider the question in quiet contemplation." Reciting nursery rhymes during an interrogation scene to crack your Owner up only lasts for so long. Then you will pay BIG. Asking "Is that as HARD as you can hit??" is considered a cry for help amongst submissive suicide prevention workers. SUREFIRE WAYS TO GET PUNISHED Use the toybag for dirty laundry. Forget to switch the contents before the next play party. Take messages for your Top by writing them on post-its and sticking them on your rear. Superglue the nipple clamps shut. Attach "clappers" to all the lights in the dungeon just before a paddling.