G/f's Family....causing ALL our fights

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Athlete218, Jan 29, 2008.

  1. Athlete218

    Athlete218 New Member

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    here's a little (brief) background...
    g/f & I have been together for 6 years now, live together, I'm 24, she's 23 etc...

    We don't really fight all that much, but if we do, it's 99% of time time a result of someone from her family.

    She's the type of person who can't say NO to someone & it really bugs me .... a lot, b/c people in her family walk all over her ALL THE TIME. They pretty much call & ask her bullshit favors (bitch work) & know she will say yes.

    -the sister in law is the main culprit. she's pretty much white trash & lazy & wants my g/f to taxi her kids all over the place, which is completely out of her way. my g/f works full time & school full time, so doesn't really have time for this bs, yet she can't say no.
    -she's lazy & won't buy xmas presents for her kids, so she has my g/f do it & says she'll "pay her back"
    -she has my g/f buy her kids school supplies b/c she "can't afford it", yet she gets her nails done around the same time & smokes like crazy.
    -lots of taxi'ing people around, even if it's like a 3 hour total round trip.

    -her sister put like $3k or $4k on her credit card, which was like 26% APR & would pay her back like $50 here, $50 there, then my g/f would come asking me for money b/c she couldnt pay her bills.
    -sister used to live w/ us & would go shopping non-stop & come home w/ bags & bags of new clothes but "didn't have money to help on the bills"



    I don't really like the fact that she is such a pushover w/ people...I just wish she would say "no" to these bullshit favors.
     
  2. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    This is all your girlfriend's issue. I'm going to guess you've brought up how annoying it is that she lets them walk all over her? If not, then obviously you need to.

    Well unfortunately for you this is either something you just deal with or you leave your girlfriend because you can't stand that she won't stand up for herself :dunno:
     
  3. rogueslg71

    rogueslg71 New Member

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    have you talked to her about this? tell her that if she doesnt stop saying no you are not going to help her because shes the one letting it happen. is it having any effect on her school stuff too? if so then bring that up. you guys have been together a long time...if you've even talked or thought about getting married i would tell her that you're not going to deal with this type of stuff and she needs to stop. when one person is in debt in a marriage..well..most of the time it ends up being BOTH people in debt cause of ONE person...then it all just snowballs into a big mess. and its not worth it if the cause is someone like her sis in law.
     
  4. stormywaters

    stormywaters Tornadoes are just wind...

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    She needs to learn how to stand up for herself and say no. Until she learns that the patter of being used will continue. Help her say no if you can so she doesn't feel all the pressure is on her.
    I have a sort of similar problem with my mother. I don't really know how to describe her other than she wont let me grow up. I'm 20 and in my second year of college, yet I have no car (can't afford one on my own) nor my own checking account or control over my money I earn. I am slowly changing the second part of that problem though. My mother is also very insistent that if I'm home I should be doing most of the house work ie, cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. because she is "tired" from work. I work just as much as she does some days and my job requires me to stand all day. I can't burn this bridge though because I'm still dependent on my parents for tuition help and a place to live. I can't wait to graduate and move out :hs:
     
  5. Athlete218

    Athlete218 New Member

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    I have talked to her about it & explained to her that anytime you see her (sister in law) name come up on your caller id, just ignore the call & call back several days later. no joke, EVERYTIME she calls it's some sort of bullshit favor (usually b/c she's lazy & is trying to push it off on someone else). Her sister has realized this & stopped answering their phone calls completely.

    I will admit though, since I've really been getting on her about it lately that she has said no a couple of times.

    I just don't believe in pushing stuff off on someone else....especially b/c of laziness.
     
  6. rogueslg71

    rogueslg71 New Member

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    i think stormy put up a good point. maybe try to answer for her a few times and decline for her? so she wont feel so pressured or feel 'bad' for saying no, especially if she is just starting this. it helps to have some support in the form of action sometimes with these things. you can tell her if she needs an excuse she can always use you too like say she already had plans with you or something.
     
  7. squid

    squid braap

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    If you step in, you'll become the bad guy, no matter how in the right you are (IMO). Eventually if she has a modicum of intelligence she'll figure out what's going on...but it might be a while. For now DON'T let this become your issue, and certainly don't feed into this problem.
     
  8. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    tell her to stop helping her out.... if she doesnt want to then tell her to do it within her means, because you dont want to pay for it
     
  9. Brian May

    Brian May Active Member

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    It is his issue because he has to lend the gf money due to her being broke from paying off her sister's debts. IMO, you should step in since you are directly affected by her family's BS. They are causing problems not only for your GF, but for you as well. It is your issue as well
     
  10. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    If I were in your position, I would make it clear to my g/f that this is NOT working and has to stop, I would then have a very direct however polite chit-chat with the culprit (her sister in law) and tell her that this will NOT work and HAS to stop.

    Look at it this way, this will only continue, and worst comes to worst you will want to leave; so have enough strength to directly approach her family..... and make it understood to her. If this doesn't go well, then you know that you need to move on b/c this is a HUGE issue especially for marriage. In-laws most often break up marriages second to financial issues, mixing the two is even worse!....
     
  11. Viper

    Viper Livin' la vida scrotum OT Supporter

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    Read the underlined statements and let them sink in.

    This has nothing to do with her family. Her family is not causing these fights. These fights are happening because you are unhappy with your girlfriend and are expecting her to change instead of moving on to someone you can be happy with.
     
  12. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    Been there.

    My ex was a total push-over and since she was asian it was HIGHLY expected of her to be there 24/7 for anything her family needed... She just couldn't say no. She also had a bum of a sister that caused my g/f to have to take on a larger load than she should have.
    My family is quite different so this was a challenge for me as well. I come from a very "do everything yourself/independent" irish/italian household. This was damn near opposite of my g/f's asian household.

    Honestly, I just had to learn to put up with it. You can't make her choose between your wants and her families wants (even if you are in the right) because that is going to cause HUGE strain on your relationship. Just be understanding and put up with it until/if it gets "too" out of control.

    I just told the g/f that I didn't like how her family took advantage of her, and I thought that she needed to learn to stand up for herself for her own benefit in life but that it was her decision how she wanted to handle it and if the day came that she wanted to finally stand up for herself and starting using the word "no" I would support her with anything she needed.

    It took me years to make this realization though. For a few years we would often fight over that stuff.
     
  13. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    +1.

    I would also like to add to that. When I was dealing with this, I often told my g/f I only cared about what was good for her and that she learned to say "no" for her own benefit... but to be honest; a lot of it had to do with the fact that I felt like she making people that push her around a higher priority than me and I couldn't stand being blown off so that she could go run an errand for her mom because her mom didn't feel like driving, or go hang with an uncle because he's and jerk and is lonely, etc..

    I had selfish motives and generally wasn't entirely happy with the situation and much like you I used the "what's best for her" line even though it was about a lot more.

    You're not going to win this battle my friend... Even if she chooses you over them she will resent you forever because of it... She needs to learn how to say no on her own. Either end it with her (doubtful since you guys have already been together 6 years) or really take some time to understand the situation and grow past with patience like I had to do.
     
  14. T-R-T

    T-R-T New Member

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    Let me guess. Your gf is asian?
     
  15. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :werd:
     
  16. ww_Crimson

    ww_Crimson New Member

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    At 6 years it sounds like you're much more interested in having things change rather than break things off because of them irritating you.

    She needs to know exactly how you feel. If you feel comfortable doing it, have her make you the bad guy SOME of the time, when she needs to say no. Have her tell her sister that she is already doing something with you. It might help if she partially transfers blame to you so that she doesn't feel as uncomfortable saying no. As long as this doesn't happen on a regular basis and she becomes capable of saying no on her own, then I think it might work.

    You need to realize that family is priority to a lot of people so expecting her to never lend her sister a hand is unrealistic.
     
  17. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    there are probably reasons she is afraid or unwilling to tell you for her actions. (i.e., yes, her sister's a lazy cunt, but blood is thicker than water. or whatever). the way you're approaching it she probably feels defensive about being "weak".
     

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