LOVE GF and I broke up. <Hmmmmmm face>

Reign

No
Nov 17, 2003
35,747
CO
So after a year and some change we called it quits. I won't say she broke up with me and I won't say I broke up with her. In the last week I got really mad at her for a reason i still don't know and told her to pack her crap and get out. Then i felt really awful about it the next day and we've been talking all week.

Well come tonight, and I dunno why but it is what it is, it all came to surface. We both love each other very much but she comes with 2 pieces of fairly permanent baggage. Both of which I care for very much, and will say I love them very much too, but I don't love them like they were mine. Which is a big deal to her, and i don't blame it. Can't say I wouldn't feel the same way as her if I were in the same position.

Other things are that she says I don't treat her well, which I won't agree or disagree with. My conduct in public to her is, well, I guess embarrassing would be the best way to put it. I don't disagree with that either. I'm fairly loud and obnoxious in public. I'm in the navy and curse, and 90% of the time don't even realize I'm doing it. Worst part of that is I don't want to I just... Can't stop for some reason. I'm also very honest and say things the way I see them. Which was never intended to hurt her but they do/did, and for that I truly feel awful about. I never wanted to hurt her but it did and feels very bad.

I guess the biggest thing is, I don't know how I feel. On the one hand I really don't want her to go. I've care for her very much and always have fun with her. I also care for her kids very much, and while I can say I have fun with them a lot, I can't say i ALWAYS have fun with them. I want to love them like they were mine but I dunno, i just don't. I don't really know how to explain it better than that.


Where I'm going with this, I don't know. We had our short comings and while it was a struggle at points, I really was happy with her. However, and maybe it's because it hasn't truly sunk in, I don't know how I feel about the final decision to go our separate ways. On the one hand I REALLY REALLY don't want her to go. On the other part of me thinks it would be for the better. After all, she is a mother of two and needs to do what's best for them. I'll be getting out of the Navy in 7-8 months, I need to find a job, I need to start my transition, and if she's coming with me that's a huge step for her.

So yeah... post whatever, this was more of me just... typing a diary I suppose.
 

MattThom01

Active Member
Jan 2, 2006
8,506
So after a year and some change we called it quits. I won't say she broke up with me and I won't say I broke up with her. In the last week I got really mad at her for a reason i still don't know and told her to pack her crap and get out. Then i felt really awful about it the next day and we've been talking all week.

Well come tonight, and I dunno why but it is what it is, it all came to surface. We both love each other very much but she comes with 2 pieces of fairly permanent baggage. Both of which I care for very much, and will say I love them very much too, but I don't love them like they were mine. Which is a big deal to her, and i don't blame it. Can't say I wouldn't feel the same way as her if I were in the same position.

Other things are that she says I don't treat her well, which I won't agree or disagree with. My conduct in public to her is, well, I guess embarrassing would be the best way to put it. I don't disagree with that either. I'm fairly loud and obnoxious in public. I'm in the navy and curse, and 90% of the time don't even realize I'm doing it. Worst part of that is I don't want to I just... Can't stop for some reason. I'm also very honest and say things the way I see them. Which was never intended to hurt her but they do/did, and for that I truly feel awful about. I never wanted to hurt her but it did and feels very bad.

I guess the biggest thing is, I don't know how I feel. On the one hand I really don't want her to go. I've care for her very much and always have fun with her. I also care for her kids very much, and while I can say I have fun with them a lot, I can't say i ALWAYS have fun with them. I want to love them like they were mine but I dunno, i just don't. I don't really know how to explain it better than that.


Where I'm going with this, I don't know. We had our short comings and while it was a struggle at points, I really was happy with her. However, and maybe it's because it hasn't truly sunk in, I don't know how I feel about the final decision to go our separate ways. On the one hand I REALLY REALLY don't want her to go. On the other part of me thinks it would be for the better. After all, she is a mother of two and needs to do what's best for them. I'll be getting out of the Navy in 7-8 months, I need to find a job, I need to start my transition, and if she's coming with me that's a huge step for her.

So yeah... post whatever, this was more of me just... typing a diary I suppose.

This stuff could be a huge factor. Sorry man, but as I was reading your post, I kept thinking "BS".

You won't own up to anything. You either don't know how you feel, don't know why you did something, can't stop doing something, don't know you're doing it...reeks a lot of making excuses.

I suggest doing some work on increasing your self-awareness before you get into another relationship.

Also, just identify that she has kids right away, instead of referring to them as "two pieces of permanent baggage".
 

JohnQPoster

New Member
Nov 12, 2010
780
Doesn't sound like your ready to commit to this woman and he kids like you would need to do for this relationship to continue.

She was trying to tie you down (maybe she wasn't really trying, but she has two kids), your not ready for that. Hence your anger.

You want to have fun when you get out of the Navy, she wants to raise her kids.I wouldn't string her along, or keep her thinking that you may get back together. You don't want that.

I know this because you called her kids 'pieces of baggage.'

She needs someone who wants to be a father to her kids and anybody who was going to make a decent father in the short term would not refer to the kids as such.

Let her go.
 

Falconer

Well-Known Member
Jun 23, 2006
65,535
Sounds like you just weren't that into her and aren't ready for a relationship now.
 
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Reign

No
Nov 17, 2003
35,747
CO
You guys are right, and guess the fact that I feel bad but not really broken up about it tells me the biggest thing. Wasn't that into it anymore.

I mean, there was other things that I won't mention purely out of respect, but those things put a lot of stress on the relationship.
 
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Reign

No
Nov 17, 2003
35,747
CO
She is but she isn't. I'm pretty sure she got an account because she found out that when we'd have issues I'd come and try and get advice here. She actually got mad because I changed my relationship to single on facebook, and forgot to delete the status update. So a bunch of people found out immediately and started posting on it. I don't get it... but whatevs. Time to be single again :)
 
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Reign

No
Nov 17, 2003
35,747
CO
Son of a bitch... it's been a couple days and I was good. COMPLETELY FINE and even happier about things. Then this evening hit and now I'm second guessing.

She has even been emailing me because she thinks it might be a mistake, but I've held my ground so far. Even said we could just take a break if I wanted.

I know what I need to do, just gotta stick to my guns.
 

sportsjunkie

OT Supporter
Aug 3, 2005
110,641
fuuuuu...i just got out of a 2.5 yr relationship and while our stories aren't similar, i guess i feel the same way you do.

but ya, stick to your guns and move on. just a learning experience
 
Jan 18, 2009
621
DC Metro
Sometime things just get twisted. Do you all do stuff together and apart that don't include the kids? It's important to have balance in life.; I've learned by not having it how out of wack things get. The issue that a lot of guys have is career tunnel vision; we are our work. Not good man! If you are someone who loves and wants children? I'm big on not messing up the children because they are long for the ride without a say. As for the cursing, when you are in an environment where it is the norm, it is to be expected. It will be a part of transitioning into the civilian life. I have a Marine friend who use to swear so much before getting out of the military. Communication is the key and we as men suck at it. If you can't see loving the kids as your own though, that is the important part that it sounds like you are evaluating. Not worth having them feel neglected or creating conflict between yourself and their mother.
 
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Rellik

New Member
Feb 2, 2005
6,362
yeah next little bits gonna be tough as you go into relationship hormone withdrawl... just remember that its just chemicals and not real

and sorry that I'm making assumptions here, why the fuck were you there for so long, helping raise some other dudes kids after she got fucked and dumped by some bad boy? I know why of course, you were lonely, and wanted pussy, but still.. you ran down a "year and change" on this chicks biological clock that she could have spent trying to find some beta to take care of her "baggage". Oh yeah, and tell her to insist on a condom the next time some studmuffin comes along...
 
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Reign

No
Nov 17, 2003
35,747
CO
yeah next little bits gonna be tough as you go into relationship hormone withdrawl... just remember that its just chemicals and not real

and sorry that I'm making assumptions here, why the fuck were you there for so long, helping raise some other dudes kids after she got fucked and dumped by some bad boy? I know why of course, you were lonely, and wanted pussy, but still.. you ran down a "year and change" on this chicks biological clock that she could have spent trying to find some beta to take care of her "baggage". Oh yeah, and tell her to insist on a condom the next time some studmuffin comes along...

Actually, to kinda defend her. She had them with her REALLY long term Ex, thought it was what she wanted. At the time he had a good job and wasn't a douche... things were different for her too. Then she realized she didn't love him and left him. Dude IS a huge loser on welfare but I don't blame her.

And I stayed with her because initially we both got into it as just a fling. However then we started having lots of fun together, feelings grew, and the rest is history. However, and I think we both knew this, there just wasn't enough in common to keep it together. I don't regret it and am glad I helped her get a start on what I hope will be a good life for her and them.
 

Cobra Commander

Active Member
Feb 18, 2008
20,897
UK
As a fellow Navy bro I feel your pain when you say

" I'm fairly loud and obnoxious in public. I'm in the navy and curse, and 90% of the time don't even realize I'm doing it. Worst part of that is I don't want to I just... Can't stop for some reason. I'm also very honest and say things the way I see them. Which was never intended to hurt her but they do/did, and for that I truly feel awful about. I never wanted to hurt her but it did and feels very bad."

Because I do the same things. I call em how I see em and it really hurts her feelings. I don't even know what I'm saying half the time because I just speak my mind and never thought it was a bad thing but the Navy really did pollute my thinking process.

People just say EVERYTHING that's on their minds, everyone talks to everyone and loose lips sink ships etc.. It's hard to get past it and the best thing to do which you've already done is realize it and work on it. It gets better slowly, just try to think fast, talk slow. Don't let your emotions get hold of you and keep your mouth shut. Over time it becomes second nature.

I remember when I used to feel like I was lying if I didn't speak my mind but in all reality it's just the asshole in you popping up to tell people how you REALLY feel, which 9 times out of 10 for us, is negative or mean.
 

Aquakittie

Active Member
Feb 5, 2007
3,364
Los Angeles, CA
Deeply in love after a year and some change... was she your first girlfriend?

Is this a serious question? If you've found a great partner falling in love within a year is perfectly normal. My SO and I just had our 1yr anniversary last month and we've been talking marriage and children for at least 6months. We've both been around the relationship block plenty at 32 and we're not entering this naively. We exchanged genuine I love yous like 4 months in. If it takes you a yr plus to decide if you love your SO then they likely aren't the right one IMO.
 

Eclipsed830

Active Member
Jul 7, 2005
39,458
San Francisco/Cleveland
Is this a serious question? If you've found a great partner falling in love within a year is perfectly normal. My SO and I just had our 1yr anniversary last month and we've been talking marriage and children for at least 6months. We've both been around the relationship block plenty at 32 and we're not entering this naively. We exchanged genuine I love yous like 4 months in. If it takes you a yr plus to decide if you love your SO then they likely aren't the right one IMO.

:bowrofl:
 

Diesel66

OT Supporter
Feb 20, 2005
134,471
Kc
completely agree AQ. I knew my ex wasn't for me because I couldn't contemplate marriage/kids in the future with her and that was around the year mark. Didn't end it then, but realized it wasn't going to be anything longer than a nice fun thing.
 

Eclipsed830

Active Member
Jul 7, 2005
39,458
San Francisco/Cleveland
Seriously? :ugh:

Who the hell thinks it takes over a year to be able to fall in love??

I didn't say it takes longer then a year to fall in love. But to fall deeply in love with someone that fast its no wonder you still don't love her kids like she wants you too. That kind of love should develop after years of being together. She's expecting you to fall in love with her kids just as fast as you fell in love with her.
 

Dahlia

Active Member
Feb 12, 2008
27,405
Lexington, KY
I didn't say it takes longer then a year to fall in love. But to fall deeply in love with someone that fast its no wonder you still don't love her kids like she wants you too. That kind of love should develop after years of being together. She's expecting you to fall in love with her kids just as fast as you fell in love with her.
Love really isn't a hard lined rule like that.
 

alkalinesolo

Active Member
Jul 2, 2007
11,462
I didn't say it takes longer then a year to fall in love. But to fall deeply in love with someone that fast its no wonder you still don't love her kids like she wants you too. That kind of love should develop after years of being together. She's expecting you to fall in love with her kids just as fast as you fell in love with her.


Who are you to say what love should and shouldn't do?
 

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