SRS GF issues...( long)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Avenger97, May 21, 2007.

  1. Avenger97

    Avenger97 New Member

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    ok so here goes a long one.... dont really know where to start..

    me and my GF have been going out for about a year and a half.. and in Feburary of this year , we decided to get a place together . BTW im 27 , she is 28 and has 3 kids ( im cool with the kids and all that). Her 2 boys ( 10 and 7) split time between our place and their fathers places, her 4 year old girl has some mental issues and is currently living with my GF's friend who can provide the kind of 24/7 care she needs ( this was all based on dr's reccomedations)

    the original plan for us was to split things 50/50 in the house, and things should have been ok..i paid the 1st month rent of $750 when we signed the lease, and she paid the rest of the month, about 350 for the partial month rent... all the bills are in my name ( gas , electric, cable). now the way i told her i would do this , is that i had to see that she could do it on her own with out me helping her.. she agreed to this ( i was living at home , she had her own place) she had a ok job making enough money to get by , and she should have been able to pay the bills. long as i saw her trying i was fine with it.. when it came time to pay however ,she tells me she is 200 short on rent .. so i put up the 200 and rent was paid. And i moved my stuff in

    about a month later around march of this year, my GF's old car is dying , she needs somthing new but doesnt have the credit for it.. i agree to help her out.. we end up deciding on a 04 chrysler pacifica ( good mommy car for her. and somthing better than my 04 GTO for me in the snow) i gave her 2000 for the down payment , and the car is under my name. she agrees to give me the car payment every month , and 50 toward the insurance ( insured under me and my insurance went up 50 a month)

    shortly after we get the car , an issue comes up with my GF's friend who is watching her daughter , and it turns out to be a custody battle between her friend , My GF , and the Dept. of children and families here, after this extremely stressful time.. everything calms down , but my GF lost her job , due to having to take all this time off to fight the custody battle, so now im paying everything.. rent , my bills, my car, her car, and the house bills, its tough but im trying to make it work. putting me in debt but we are getting by

    she gets another job..but its hard physical work at a dog kennel making just over minimum wage and working weekends 7-11AM then back 2:30-4:30PM. barely leaving her anything to live on, but it fits the hours she needs due to DCF getting involved she needs to attend consuling with her daughter to get it all resolved.. now i feel she should still be looking for a better higher paying job..that fits the hours she needs so she can contribute to the house ( she hasnt paid anything since March)

    fast forward to last week.. what is just a small disagreement turns into a huge issue.. 1 tv in the house , we want to watch different things.. we comprimised , id watch the replay of my show the next night, monday night comes.. my show is going to come on. she is getting mad cause again she wants to watch what she wants... she ends up throwing the remote at me , and storms off to the kids room and sleeps there ( kids werent home) so im just like WTF was that all about .. we kinda make up.. go see a concert on wed night ..she has the next day off , im tired and have to work at 7.. she wants to go drive around and go to breakfast.. im tired and want to go home.. she decided we'll go home and she will go back out with her friend and do what she wanted anyway... im a lil upset but decide to just go to bed and get ready for work..

    as for yesterday.. we had tickets to another show.. she was working , and i was getting my car dyno'd .. she stopped by and saw me on lunch said she needed gas and lunch , i gave her my credit card , so she could eat and get gas.. and went back to the shop...

    about 3 pm she calls me says she is tired and doesnt want to go to the concert tonight.. again im mad.. i try to get somone else to go , but with the short notice i couldnt.. she says go with her friend doug ( her lil 15 year old part time babysitter) i really dont want to .. as i planned somthing nice for us to do and am not interested in bringing him with me , we argue a bit , and end up not going.. i went out for a ride to cool off a lil bit.. when i get home. she is sleeping again in the kids room.. wont talk to me. and just kinda ignores me..

    so here is my dilemma.. what do i do now.. im mad.. she doesnt think she has done anything wrong... i think that i dont ask for too much and provide a lot for her, when i ask for lil things it shouldnt be a big deal... i try my best to provide for her and make sure she is happy and has what she needs .. and this is the thanks i get for it ???? its just really frustrating when i try so hard . but in the end im sleeping alone.. things that should be enjoyable arent because , i feel she cant make those " comprimises" in the relationship.. i give give give.. but i dont see any give from her at all.. its take take take

    i dont know..i feel like just giving up on the relationship at times.. because this isnt what i feel its supposed to be like.. i know she is going through a hard time.. but she needs to comprimise more and work harder to provide for herself and her kids and not totally depend on me ,when im putting myself in debt every month just to pay her bills.

    so should i just walk on this.. cut my ties to her ( which i have been considering) or try to work it out with her???
     
  2. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 Active Member

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    Moving in together was probably the worst mistake of your life :hs: each of you should have your own place esp with 3 kids involved...personally I would cut my losses and move on she's probably not going to change her ways and you'll just keep going deeper into debt.
     
  3. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    Dude, it's way past time for you to put your foot down. You need to tell her to fucking shape up or you're selling the car. Yes, you have every right to do something drastic, and if she gets bitchy about it, then you tell her to move the fuck out. I'm not joking man. If you do not get a hold of this now, you will FOREVER have this problem. Once you teach her that she can do this to you and get away with it with little more than an "argument" she will always try to get away with it.

    You're her stooge, her sugar daddy, etc. She's freeloading off of you no matter how you try to justify the situation. So what you need to do is to sit her down and tell her how it's going to be. Don't even raise your voice, you simply need to tell her flat out, this is how it's going to be. You're going to get me the car payment and the rent payment on time, or I am selling the car and you can find some shitcan to drive on your own. If she raises her voice or tries to manipulate you by making you feel bad or guilty, tell her to leave the room and come back when she's ready to act like an adult and finish the conversation. You are not asking for much at all, just for things to be fair.

    If she continues to act up, bro you need to gtfo of this relationship ASAP. No joke. If she is going to continue to behave in this selfish and childish manner then you've got a lot of trouble on your hands and it will only get worse. You need to step up to the plate right away.
     
  4. Avenger97

    Avenger97 New Member

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    ^^^^ yea i guess you are right.. i have been trying to justify it.. it sucks because kids are involved.. and i dont want to hurt them.. but on the other hand.. even tho i make a good pay (40+K/yr).. i cant do it all on my own

    when i was on my lunch hour.. just told her basically i cant do it all anymore and she has to pay her part.. if not the rent doesnt get paid.. doenst hurt me , i can move back home pretty easy...
     
  5. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    Sounds to me like she's way more interested in the lifestyle you are providing her than she is in YOU as a person.

    In typical female fashion, she made all these committments to you without having any idea if she could keep them.

    Now she's not holding up her end of the bargain, and she's treating you poorly to boot.

    The thing with the TV is just insane. If I were you I would just cut off the cable TV (but I'm a hardass so obviously this approach isn't for everyone).

    She's trying to run roughshod over you.

    You've got to send her the message that you aren't going to tolerate this from her, and she either shapes up, or she's gone.

    You are being taken advantage of by a woman who feels she is entitled to your charity and imo she doesn't truly care about you.
     
  6. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 Active Member

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    Actually it does hurt you its in your name and your credit will be destroyed if you don't pay.
     
  7. Avenger97

    Avenger97 New Member

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    well i would in the end make things right with the landlord.. as i dont want my credit/name destroyed.. but by then the damage would be done with her..

    its just been a very hard couple of months.. i would love if she really could hold down a good job.. and make the money she neesd to make to pay her bills.. honestly its time for her to figure somthing out...

    i have looked back at my other threads i have made ( yea there are a few) and i really see that somthing needs to change.. weather she isnt really the woman for me and i just got taken for a ride .. or she really is " the one" and just needs to be more financially responsible ..i just have a feeling in the end i'll have to just walk on the situation.. turn off the electric/gas/ cable.. take the car.. and let her deal with it herself..

    i stood by her during the tough times with the custody battle.. and all of that.. didnt want to be the man who took off when times got hard..

    oh man.. all i feel is :hs: i love the girl to death . but this has to stop. im ruining myself doing this , and she is getting a free ride..
     
  8. Gregsaidthat

    Gregsaidthat "Individuality is the new conformity"

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    I would type a long novel but I think everyone else has summed it up for you!
     
  9. katt_85

    katt_85 OT Supporter

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    It's time to put your foot down and get out while you can. She's taking you for granted. You may love her because you've been with her so long and through so much, but shes destroying you financially and emotionally. She doesn't even love you enough to compromise. You could do so much better. Don't leave her high and dry, but leave her. It sounds like youve tried to work this out and have gone no where with it. Some times people just don't change. She clearly thinks she did nothing wrong, and won't until she's left alone to think about how she fucked up.

    And you shouldn't just give her free use of your credit card, either. I'd cut her off from spending your cash in the meantime. Also find a way to get that car off your name and stop paying for insurance. She's not contributing, she can find some other way of getting around. Don't be her doormat.
     
  10. The Saggin' Nutz

    The Saggin' Nutz New Member

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  11. Volmunikz

    Volmunikz New Member

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    she's taking advantage of you.. especially since you guys have only been together for a 1 year and half, that ridiculous. first of all you're not her husband you shouldn't have to provide everything for her and if anything she should thankful.

    Someone that is appreciated of what another is doing for them will hurry up and clean their act together. Especially the fact that she does have 3 kids, you would think she'll try to be more responsible?
     
  12. Nyctrias

    Nyctrias If I can't be my own...I'd feel better dead.

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    Get out now. Get things right with whoever you have to beforehand, but don't even take the time to explain it to her, just disappear. With girls like that, they will pull every sob story they can think of to get you to feel guilty and want you to stay for another week, and another...
     
  13. autobahn

    autobahn New Member

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    Get out. She's a one way ticket to a miserable life.
     
  14. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    Did you get out yet?
     
  15. ChaCha

    ChaCha Active Member

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    she's using you. do yourself a favor and find someone that deserves your attention and generosity.
     
  16. hellyea2650

    hellyea2650 New Member

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    whether you are making 500k a year or 40k a year, its not right that she isnt putting in her part and taking advantage of you. put your foot down before you go into more debt and fuck yourself over
     
  17. Avenger97

    Avenger97 New Member

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    lil update on this one..... still together for the time being.. over the past few weeks.. she is finally seeing that the money is running out.. we are barely scraping by as it is..

    im keeping on her to get a job , and straighten up, she feels its impossible for her to do so , as the kids have just gotten out of school , and there is no one to watch them during the day , and day care costs too much.

    So her answer to it all is to go to city hall , and sign away her parental rights to the fathers , and not be a part of her kids life .. i feel its partially a scare tactic on me , and partially that she really doesnt know what to do.

    I have told her what we need extra per week to make ends meet better , and to try to save a lil money..weather or not she wants to go through the signing off her kids thing or not.. thats her issue and i cant change that. but either way she needs to shape up , get out , work and contribute to the house that she lives in. I told her this is the last month that i will be able to pick up the bills.. come next month , i dont have an answer

    so last night she was crying in bed all night saying she is gonna do it.. sign them off. and just go out and work..how she is a failure and she failed her kids.. how its not fair to me to put all this stress and debt on me..

    i still feel there are other ways around the issue.. everyone else who is in this situation is able to find a way and make it work..i did see child care online at work.. her youngest boy can go to the YMCA during the day.. and id even split the cost with her, and make it $75 a week . its still cheaper for me , than trying to finance her all summer. As for her 10 year old son.. she needs to sit down with his father ( who has custody ) and decide how he is going to handle child care for the summer. The daughter is not with us ( see 1st post on this ) .

    its gonna be up to her to see what she wants to do.. and how to handle the problems that come up..
     
  18. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 Active Member

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    Damn bro you're a better man than me sacrificing your life to provide for kids that aren't even yours I just hope you don't get fucked in this deal I don't see this ending well :sad2:
     
  19. Avenger97

    Avenger97 New Member

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    Yea i know im bringing up an old thread here.. but i wanted to update this one.. well here we are , end of july now.. still together.. though that my be ending very soon.

    over the past couple weeks i have been on her like a hound about getting a job, and even though she was getting mad at me about it , she ended up getting 3 call backs ,and 3 interviews.. one at the local YMCA , one at Home Depot , and one at a Toyota Dealership ..

    She had the Home Depot interview and it went really well , and she had a 2nd interview lined up a couple days later , due to this , she blew off the other 2 interviews and didnt call or give any reason , as far as i know. She goes to the 2nd interview on Monday (7/23) and they offer a front end management job, she accepts , just has to pass the background and drug test, she takes the drug test. and we find out this morning she failed it for Marijuana , and now most likely cant get the job , or work there...

    This really pushed me over the edge , she wants me to try to comfort her, and be compassionate , but i cant be , as she did this to herself.. its her many years of heavy ( 3+ joints ) a day useage that finally caught up to her.. and it destroyed her shot at having a decent job , making us as a couple work out and being able to pay the bills and survive..

    what i know for sure is that all my cards and other available money are totally maxed out.. and we cant make ends meet on just my pay.. bills arent getting paid now.. and its starting to fall apart.. i want to go back , live at my parents place.. and get my life back together.. its gonna take a couple years to work this one out

    im just totally lost , and dont know what to do , she fails again to take any responsiblity for herself or her actions.. and blames everyone else for what is happening , when in reality her love of getting high has come back and destroyed her shot at truly excelling and making this work

    so yea.... any advice...

    PS , im strongly considering just going to my parents tonight and sleeping there to get everything worked out.. maybe clear my head a bit and try to get a fresh perspecive on this..
     
  20. Jack Horner

    Jack Horner Guest

    I hope I can provide an objective perspective...After reading this entire thread, I've come to one conclusion:

    You need to get the fuck out of this situation before she ruins your life along with it. You're a noble person, and I respect that. You're trying to make true love work, and I respect that. However, you're doing it at an incredible cost to yourself, and you may be sacrificing your future. Time and time again, this girl has proven that she doesn't respect you, doesn't love you, is using you as an emotional and financial crutch. She avoids accountability for her actions, and she's a drug addict. Frankly, I'm pissed off and I'm just reading about it online. I know its hard, I know you have feelings for her, I know you feel guilty about leaving her family high and dry, but you have to leave. You have to cut ties with her. I know that's hard advice to hear, but she's been leading you on for almost 6 months now. That's bullshit.

    SHE IS NOT THE ONE.

    "The one" doesn't treat you like this. "The one" doesn't emotionally and financially rape you every chance they get. "The one" is out there somewhere, but the girl you're currently with is NOT "the one." This is not true love. You may love her...you may be TRULY in love with her, but true love is reciprocal and it is a two-way street. Based on everything you've told us, there is no way this girl loves and respects you. I'm sorry, we've all been there before. It's better to get out now then to try to string it along and make things better. They won't get better, they will only get worse, and the longer you stay, the more likelihood that you will be destroyed -- emotionally and financially.

    Your credit is a disaster, you're in debt up to your eyeballs. Fixing that should be your number one priority right now if you have any desire of living the rest of your life anywhere but your parents basement.

    You seem like a great guy, with a kind heart...I hate to see you getting taken advantage of like this. PLEASE do not take this girl back. PLEASE do not keep paying her bills. PLEASE force her to be accountable for her actions. PLEASE move the FUCK out of that apartment -- I don't care where you go...your parents house beats this.

    This relationship is going to die, and I'd rather not see it bring you down with it. GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP, FIX YOUR FINANCES AND GET BACK ON YOUR FEET AS A STRONGER AND WISER MAN.

    Sorry, bud...but that's the advice you need to hear right now.

    Good luck, keep us updated.

    :hsd:
     
  21. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 Active Member

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    Its time to move on man doesn't sound like she ever really grew up I'd be livid about her not getting that job b/c she can't put down the joint
     
  22. ///M Pilot

    ///M Pilot New Member

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    Holy crap. What kind of dependent mess are you?

    This has run FAR written all over it. Sorry dude. Signing her rights away as a parent?? Do you want to be with someone like that?

    I mean, get real.
     
  23. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    The question I have is this:

    What does she have that you need so badly?
     
  24. Guz200sx

    Guz200sx The man who does more than he is paid for will soo

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    Damn. The phrase "Run, don't walk" applies here.

    Seriously...
    She had her chance to get back on her feet and she screwed it up by smoking weed. If it were me...that would be her last chance. I would tell her its done. Move out, go back to your parents and start to fix and pay off these bills that were accumlated because of her.

    If you stay with her, the only thing you will continue to get are more headaches, more bills and less money in your pocket.

    Brother In the end, You gotta look out for #1 - YOU.
    Yes, it sucks for the kids but mom is fucking up and she's taking you down with her. You gotta realize this relationship is only going one way and thats down.
     
  25. maskednegator

    maskednegator Kosmonaut, best we've got...

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    dude, open your fucking eyes.
     

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