SRS Having 2nd (more like 5th) Thoughts About GF (Long Story)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by arseclown, Oct 6, 2007.

  1. arseclown

    arseclown Guest

    Ok. This is long.

    I met this girl at my university almost a year ago in one of my classes. She's this tiny, skinny, nerdy very-americanized asian girl. For the first couple months of the fall quarter, we barely talked, but then near the end (November) we started talking and talking and flirting and flirting. Eventually, I just asked her if she'd be down to do anything one friday night when she got out of class and she said yeah. So we go on the "thing", and afterwards asks if it was a date. I'm in my head going "uhhh", so I just say "yes" to see what she says. Then she starts acting all gushy and stuff whenever we talk and see each other. So the next week, she invites me to her campus apartment. We eat (she made dinner) and watch a movie in her room. We end up making out until like 2am.

    Then the next weekend I come to find out that the day before I asked her to do stuff, she had broken up with her boyfriend of 1 year (He goes to UC Davis, so it's really far away, LDR). I was like :squint: . She tried to cut things off with me (at the request of her now ex-bf) while she went home for Winter Break. I told her to stop listening to her controlling boyfriend and make her own decision. She ended up shutting him out of her life for a couple months and dated me when she came back. They are now friends right now and nothing more, I know for a fact. Complete dead fact. This is also my first actual relationship-relationship.

    Anyway, all is good until late March when we go on Spring Break. Her hometown is about an 1.5 hour drive. I had scheduled myself for work for a good 6 out of the 7 days for that week, so needless to say I told her in advance I may not see her during the week, but since she was coming back on Sunday, that it shouldn't be a problem. She agreed, everything was normal. Then, as the week wore own, and after talking normally with her about almost every night, she went weird crazy psycho and was saying stuff like "you're totally careless" and "you always disappoint me". I was like "WTF?" cause we had discussed the whole week before hand and I was just getting off work, so I was in a bad mood. We ended up breaking up.

    When we got back, (we work in the same place at school), we got back together after having a "2-week WTF are we doing period" where would have sex and randomly do stuff. So we got back together at the beginning of April, everything is fine until July. I had sort of stopped having strong feelings for her by July and it was starting to show in my actions. I wouldn't call her as much and when she was gone back home after Spring Quarter ended (it had only been 1 week), she wanted me to come up. I didn't want to come up that weekend cause, again, I had work scheduled. She had called me at least 10 times a day for that week, and I found that extremely annoying (I'm sorry, I just did) and would only answer 1 or 2 of her calls a day. Then on July 4th, I had scheduled myself for work cause I wanted the Holiday Pay, but on my way to work she phoned me and said she was breaking up with me. I had mentally tuned out from here, and just said "K, Laters."

    The reason I tuned her out over the last month prior to this was because I found her very negative. She's a very neurotic asian girl that keeps thinking her friends hate her (honest to god, hate her) over the littlest of incidents. She roomed with her high school friends during the school year we dated, and by the end of that year, she basically dettached herself from them because of her attitude. She talks about her concerns like any normal person, but she talks about them 5,6,7, 10 more times after we've discussed them for hours and hours on end and I've given her my 2cents and it just annoys the living daylights out of me, and I just tune her out cause it's the same story I've heard a billion times before and helped her out with. This leads to another thing: she repeats things like no other. She'll ask "why do you like me?" or "why are you dating me?" contradicted with the same endearments and flatterings she'd give. ALSO: She repeatedly told me she wanted to marry me and have my children. She first told me she loved me and wanted to marry me before our first break up during Spring Break. That freaked me out, ALOT. Not only because she's my first girlfriend, but because I'm young, and that's not really something I want to hear at this stage in my life.

    Ok, so I'm single for about a solid month. I worked during the summer, she didn't work for the first month of summer but came back at the beginning of August. When she came back, I just went over her Facebook and saw some dude posting cutesy stuff on her page and she had been posting weird, gushy status updates that went back to the 14th of July (we broke up on the 4th). So I'm thinking, :ugh2: wtf, rebound much? (which is ironic, cause I'm technically a rebound, but whatever). So that Friday, I contact her and say I want to talk because I had been getting a mix of jealousy and nostalgia when she arrived (to be perfectly honest). I found out she's "seeing" this guy, but they're not "bf/gf". He's some fag (you'll see why I call him such) that basically stalked her while she was with me and the minute we broke up started contacting her to do things. (SIDENOTE: when my GF and I broke up in July, I later found out that she sent out an email to all her "Close Friends" that basically said "I BROKE UP WITH MY BF, FIND ME A GUY TO REBOUND OFF OF".

    So I find out they had sex and got raging pissed and calmed down when we were talking back at her place (he's gone to his hometown for the weekend). The past month I had been just casually thinking about the things I did wrong in the relationship (it was my 1st, so naturally I'd want to analyze and think things over). I thought I may have been a bit harsh on her in the way I acted toward her. So, what basically happened is I ended up having sex with her that night after spending all night talking with her about what I did wrong and how I had really thought I could make a genuine 3rd go at the relationship. I felt I was a bit cold and closed because I wasn't ready for an actual relationship because of my lack of experience, but wanted to give this one another shot without having those sort of reservations about the relationship. So after having sex with her, she still says she'll think about it. She ends up telling the guy what's going on :)ugh2:), and he ends up being a little bitch and pulls the "Oh I'll never talk to you again if you stay with him, anyone but him!" card and fucking drinks himself drunk alone at his house all weekend. I comfort her and spend the night with her and have sex with her again in the morning. I go back to work and I'm on AIM and I get all these rude, grammatically horrid messages from the guy telling me that I'm a pussy and I should slit my wrists (LOL). I just tell him "Whatever, just go that road, man." and send what he says to the GF (She's there at work with me since she has things to do that can be done at my work, work is at a college library). She decides she doesn't want to be with someone that drinks and acts like a 5 year old when stuff like this happens and chooses me "Just because of that." That has bothered me til this day. When we got back together she said that she was going to go with him (even after we had talked all day and all night, had sex twice, had breakfast together, and she was now right next to me the entire next day all while technically still "seeing him")

    So we get back together and I'm genuinely happy for the next 1.5 months. I'm very attentive, genuinely attracted to her. She's very happy, caring, some bad mouthing about her (honestly) spoiled, bratty new apartment mates (She told me that she found new roommates because of me, because apparently her old roommates from high school didn't like the idea of me spending the night at her place, :ugh2: Blaming me for new roomeis) But genuinely happy for those 1.5 months.

    Now a couple weeks ago, I just start seeing her get unreasonably stressed out over things that shouldn't be getting any worry out of her. She hates her boss, her club vice president (who she believes stalks her and secretly likes her), and is now alienating herself from her new roommates (although understandably). I then start seeing why I tuned out from her in the first place. She turned from a sweet, motherly little girl to a bitchy, stressed out person who ONLY complains and complains ONLY to me about the same things endlessly that shouldn't even be complaint-worthy. I've found that most people she talks to actually sort-of do the same thing too. They either tune her out, be "nice" to her, or just ignore her. I have genuinely just lost romantic interest in her. She keeps telling me how her friend of 5 years that suggested that one guy date her now hates her and that because she made the mistake of doing stuff with that guy, her friends are "turning on her". But after her constant nagging over pointless things, her repetitious nature and her negative attitude, I've just gone back to where I was. I just don't find her attractive or engaging at all anymore.

    What do I do? I feel guilty if I break up with her, cause she's basically isolating herself to just me and her, and I'm basically her support right now. Although I don't like who she is right now, I'm still being a nice guy and giving her my advice and she takes it in (but frankly, doesn't use it cause I have to keep telling her the same things over and over again). If I stay with her, I feel trapped, bored, annoyed, and anxious. If I break up with her, I'll have to see her at work (oh btw, i got her both her school jobs by my recommendation when the positions weren't open, they made special cases for her cause both my bosses are really cool like that). I also don't want to have what happened in July - Aug happen again and come back to her.

    Seriously, I am so lost as to what to do right now.

    **NINJA EDIT**
    I forgot to add. I saw her email one day when she left it open on the computer screen when she went to take a shower and it had her gmail conversation page up. She talks with her ex-bf on there. So I click a link to a conversation that was pretty big (it shows how many lines in the conversation in the title of the saved thing). So I just browse through it and see her writing lines where she's flirting and telling the ex-bf that she still likes him and imagines being with him and shit. (This is back in .... February? i think, before the first break up).

    I don't ask her directly about it. But a couple days later, I just ask roundabout things like her opinion on cheating and what constitutes it. And like she answers with "even considering or thinking about not being with the person you're with is cheating!" :)ugh2:). I ask her if she's happy with me and was having second thoughts about her ex, she tells me "no, you're the one for me." Then I tell her I saw her conversations with the other guy and wanted to know if anything was going on. I pressed pretty hard and made her feel pretty bad about it, but I don't think anything went on, just words. So there's that bit of information.

    And just for reference. Sure, I've flirted with other girls, who doesn't. It's fun. But I know where the line is. And that line has never been crossed. I've put myself in the position where it definately could have been crossed just to see if I could, but never let it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 6, 2007
  2. daneeyah

    daneeyah Guest


    #1, I don't think you should trust her. She seems really unstable, emotionally. I want to call it lack of self confidence, but its beyond that. And that shouldn't be something you should deal with. Especially since you don't even really like her to begin with, so obviously this relationship isn't progressing. :hsugh:

    The fact that she's jumping from one guy to another so quickly is disgusting to me. And I don't see how anyone could trust someone who does that. One rebound, okay we'll let that go, but a cycle of them? :dunno:

    In my opinion, she's empty and she constantly needs a filler. Except she hasn't realized yet that the only filler will be when she changes the way she is.

    If you feel guilty and don't want to "leave her", then be friends with her if that would work for you. I don't want to sound like a bitch and tell you to cut her off. :hs:
    But from the kind of person you make her sound I would just be careful around her.
  3. arseclown

    arseclown Guest

    Well, see, I know that if I stay friends with her, that because of our close proximity because of work, there is a chance this could all just keep happening.

    I'm basically just asking for you guys to find a reason for me to leave her and not feel as guilty as I might if I did it on my own. I guess. Cause she's going through a stressful time right now and breaking up with her would be like a fucking bullet to her. I have had thoughts of breaking up with her when she leaves on an out of state trip over Winter Break so that the physical seperation might help.

    daneeyah, are you a girl? knowing that would help out.
  4. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

    Sep 1, 2006
    Likes Received:
    I'll be honest. I stopped halfway because it was apparent that even with that much story I knew the answer. I don't know what happened after my stopping point but it doesn't even matter. You shouldn't be with this girl, break it off if you are together. You lost feelings for her and you just don't sound right for one another. Forcing a relationship out of guilt is a waste of time. Move on, you are young.
  5. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

    Jun 6, 2006
    Likes Received:
    Dude make up your own mind. Part of growing up is thinking for yourself. You make your own decisions and live with the consequences of those decisions.

    You can't control how she'll respond and you shouldn't try. It might be a bullet to her but it is NOT an actual bullet. Your actions will not kill her. If she is suicidal and decides to kill herself because of you, that is her decision and staying with her won't "fix" that.

    By the way, you can't fix her and you're unhappy being with her. It's time to move on and "let the chips fall where they may".

    You want us to give you a reason so you won't feel guilty well guess what, you'll still feel guilty. You prolly also want to be able to say to yourself, well OT told me to break up with her so it's not really my fault for all the other shit. That's just a pussy way of going about things. Be a man, make a decision and live with the consequences. You WILL grow and learn by doing this.....regardless of what your decision is.'re trying to find a way to break up/stop talking to her without any repercussions. Well that isn't how the world works. You're not married to're acting like this is a divorce. IT'S NOT. Move on man....people date and break up all the time. Stop elevating this to the level of a federal offense.
    Yeah she's a girl but I fail to see how that helps you.
  6. arseclown

    arseclown Guest

    cause it's from the female perspective.

    i need to head to work right now, i'll respond to more stuff when i get there.
  7. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

    Jun 6, 2006
    Likes Received:
    Like I does that help you? If the advice given is sound, I fail to see how the gender of the person providing it matters.
  8. arseclown

    arseclown Guest

    yeah you're right, gender doesn't matter. i'm just seeing that the advice i'm being given is coming from a bunch of different sources.

    since this is still my very first relationship, i think i'm putting a bunch of unnecessary pressure on myself. however, i'm still logically thinking of the consequences of breaking up with her (awkward/spiteful vibe at work). We don't share many of the same friends, and I just this past week changed out of the same major (we were same majors). I'm sharing a class with her right now, but it's just for the quarter.

    Yeah, I am being a pussy, but it's cause I don't have the experience with break-ups where I initiate the break-up.


    I've been having the exact same thoughts. She seems like she gets in relationships just to be in relationships, and likes making the motions, but nothing solid is there. She may honest to god feel that when she says "i love you" and "i want to marry you" is true, but it comes from the wrong place, in my opinion.

    My usual way of getting over someone is cutting someone off. And that's what I would do if I broke up with her. That's the only way that it'd be possible to be just friends with her in the future. There's that time period where relationship-mode needs to be gotten out of the system. But see I did that in the July-August period, and she went fucking nuts and rebounded and (she told me later) lost about 10lbs. 10lbs is alot for her since before that she only weighed 102, when she came back she was around ~93ish lbs. She acted reckless and allowed herself to basically be used by some fuckhead that just wanted to get his dick wet from a rebound. So I just keep thinking of what'll happen if I break up with her since I can only go by what she's done before.

    Am I wrong to think this way if I actually want to make my situation better?
  9. daneeyah

    daneeyah Guest

    I can understand why your feeling so guilty, I think I would too in your situation. Even though the logical and right thing to do (IMO) is to cut her off, you seem way too involved with her (at school, work, etc) to be able to just do that. But you can start gradual, so it's not that big of a shock to her. It's good that you changed majors, thats a start.. so I'm assuming from now on you'll be seeing much less of her.

    And yes, it is possible for her to rebound after you and she may get depressed, lose weight and be taken advantaged of. But, honestly is this relationship going to progress into anything serious? Staying with her is just gonna make it worse and harder for you to break it off later. She'll be even more attached to you, and more dependent. And you may find that you just wasted your time.

    If you really want to help her, you need to help her fix the way she is.
    She has a problem within herself and that can be beyond you right now.

    She may need greater help that you can provide and that's certainly not your responsibility.
    I hope this isn't affecting your school, or pulling you down.
    You can't forget about yourself through all this... YOU always need to place yourself first before other people, because people will always place themselves before you. I know that sounds harsh but more and more I see that it's true. People are just naturally selfish sometimes. Don't let yourself miss out on other opportunities out there, especially since your young.

    I don't know if sacrificing and going through all this is worth getting rid of your guilt.
    I guess that's up to you.
  10. arseclown

    arseclown Guest

    thanks for your words. definately helps me think.

    she's back home right now and she's talking to me on AIM saying she is feeling so shitty (about her situation with friends, work, life outlook in general) that she's had thoughts the last couple days of what it would be like to kill herself. ....

    Now I'm fine with worrying and getting worked up, but having serious contemplations of suicide and just what it would be like, FUCK. I don't like that at all. It's freaking me out and shit. It makes me want to get the hell out, but all the same seeing her think those things is just worrying the fuck out of me.

    Background: She grew up hating her dad, cause he cheated on her mom alot and her mom told her about this stuff. so right off the bat, she hates her father. her dating history, from what she's told me, is full of guys dating her and then just disappearing. she told me one guy in high school said "you don't talk with me, you talk at me!" and broke up with her.

    I don't know. So crazy right now.
  11. daneeyah

    daneeyah Guest

    Wow, I'm sorry. Sorry that she had to go through all that, and that you are the one having to listen to it and go through it with her. :hs:
    She needs help for sure, and again I don't know if you can provide her with it. Maybe she needs a counselor? Psychologist?
    Someone needs to get her life straighten out.
  12. daneeyah

    daneeyah Guest

    Btw I noticed that you live in Irvine.. do you two go to UCI? :)
  13. arseclown

    arseclown Guest

    yeah we do, do you go here too?
  14. arseclown

    arseclown Guest

    and i switched from a humanities major to a computer science major.

    so that alone will add on ungodly amounts of study/project/hw time to my schedule, and frankly, i just don't think a relationship in general right now would be healthy for my education. some fun here and there, but a full-blown relationship I think would add lots of stress if it were a relationship like the one I'm in now.

    like for example: this weekend i have to work on my first programming project that's due wednesday, do hw and study for a math quiz, read ungodly amounts of humanities material (since i'm taking my last humanities series out of order cause that's the only way the major switch would work so that i'd be able to keep my original major as my minor), and she's being depressed over the same topics we've been talking about but only worse and she's coming back tonight and wants to see me. I mean, hell I want to comfort her, but, academically, I'm in a position where doing bad these next few quarters would really threaten my education.
  15. daneeyah

    daneeyah Guest

    ya i do :)
    and im an ICS major too.
  16. arseclown

    arseclown Guest




  17. daneeyah

    daneeyah Guest

    I know seriously... crazyness lol
  18. arseclown

    arseclown Guest

    what year are you?
  19. daneeyah

    daneeyah Guest

    5th year
    (I transferred two years ago.)
    This should be my last year :x:
  20. arseclown

    arseclown Guest

    lol cool one of my high school buddies is a 5th year ICS major too. and i'm gonna be a 5th year too cause of the major switch. damn, ics has alot of 5th years. you like irvine?
  21. daneeyah

    daneeyah Guest

    Yeah I changed majors too thats why I'm going for my 5th year.

    I love Irvine it's nice. Don't really like how everything closes at 10 pm but it's still good :)
  22. arseclown

    arseclown Guest

    yeah that's why i live in costa mesa with some buddies. places are open later. :p
  23. daneeyah

    daneeyah Guest

    I lived in Costa Mesa with my cousin for a couple of quarters last year. We were right next to South Coast Plaza, it was nice lol.
    But now I'm back in Irvine :)
  24. arseclown

    arseclown Guest

    yeah i'm like a block away from south coast plaza too. seriously, stop stealing my identity. stop it, just stop.
  25. daneeyah

    daneeyah Guest


    Okay I'll stop :mamoru:

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