I've never shared any of this information with anyone, it has always been between me and god only. Without knowing any information thought it would be impossible to help me though in any way. I've only had one major gf, I was 17 and she 19. Dated for close to 9months, and of course along the way we had sex, which wasn't really a big deal for me at all, because I loved her and well I thought she loved me but thats an even longer story. This is where it kinda takes a sinker/slider/curve ball, the things I can never seem to live with and forgive myself for is my two other girls I had sex with, but this is the curve, when I was 11, and one when I was 12. Like I can still remeber it in detail what happpened, and having memories of having sex with a 12yr old is I just feel really bad because I could have possiblly screwed over two girls and not even know it. I mean what if there some cracked out whore, or daddy by know thanks to me? My mind will just wander off on thoughts like for a good hour or two at times. Whats even worse though is I have to live a life of lies thanks to my actions, which just eat me alive. Whenever the topic of sex or anything related to sex, I have to say oh Ive only had one gf etc.. and she was my first, and I also told my ex-gf that she was my first even though she wasnt which is another thing I have a hard time dealing with. Another thing is I can not remember anything prior to thosse years which makes me wonder was I mollested when I was a child and thats how I knew about sex at such a young age, and why I had sex at a young age? My mind can wander for hours on these type of questions, but I can never seem to truly forgive myself from my past, and accept my past. I can never go up to anyone and say Yea I've done this etc... I just seem to be really stuck on this issue in my life, this would be the other reason why I tried to kill myself the other night. All these previous relationship issues, have also caused me not trust anyone, and not want to date anyone. I mean YES I would love to feel love and love someone, but I always have this fear of my past.