Help (Especially Those Married or in Long Term Relationships)

Discussion in 'Archives' started by Dazed&Confused, Sep 11, 2002.

  1. Here's one for you guys, especially those that are marriend and/or are in long term relationships.

    I'm 25 years old, and I've been with my girlfriend for over 7 years now (2nd last year of high school). She is/was my first everything (girlfriend, sexual partner, etc.). Yeah, I was a late bloomer. :p

    Anyways, we've talked a lot in the past about getting married and having a family. It's always been a matter of if, not when, we would get married. However, lately, I've been having a lot of doubts about my relationship. I guess, being that she's been my only girlfriend, I always wonder about what else is out there. Is the grass really greener on the other side?

    She always asks me, "why do you love me and want to be with me?". It seems like I never know the answer. My response is always, "because, that's the way I feel and I can't explain it". I feel so terrible that I can't tell her.

    Yesterday, I was talking to a friend of mine - who is about to propose to his girlfriend of 1/2 year - who was given some great advice on relationships. The other person said to him, "do you get excited every time you are going to see your SO?" (ie. going out for lunch when working at different places). My friend said he does as does his girl. As for me, I can't say that I do when I am going to see my girl. It was there when we were first together, but I guess I got into a routine.

    So, for those of you that are married or been with your SO for a long time, do you still get excited? I don't know if I feel this way cause my life is too routine.

    This issue has been tearing me apart for days now. I know my girl loves seeing me, and she always tells me that she's scared of losing me. I feel so bad. She doesn't deserve this. She doesn't know any of this though.

    One of my friends asked me if she was "the one", and I couldn't answer her. I just didn't/don't know. I guess I'm just trying to figure out if she is the one.

    How did you guys know that your SO is the one?

    Any insight would be appreciated. :)
  2. Annabelle

    Annabelle Guest

    I dunno, I get excited every time when he picks me up. I always try to dress up and look my best, like on a first date. We've been going out for a year.
    As for a relationship that is over 7 years old..well I think that the sparks may be not as strong as before, so you shouldn't be too too worried. But at the same time, I guess if you don't even know why you love her, that has to say something to "if she really the one?"..
  3. Quog

    Quog YOU!!!

    Sep 10, 2001
    Likes Received:
    The feeling of "grass is greener" will only get stronger the older you get. It's because you haven't experienced other women.
  4. Otto

    Otto Who the hell do you think I am!?!?!?!

    May 4, 2002
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    with my ex of 3 years after a while i didnt get excited every time i saw her, but pretty regularly id just see her or hear her in a certain way and bam! it was like the first date

    so not excited all the time, but i did get excited
  5. MikeandCIN

    MikeandCIN Guest

    relationships change, u just have to change in the right direction together, yeah for married people, its alot of love and affection, then turns into a life long commitment on all levels! The grass is certainly not greener on the other side most of the time, and most people find that out the hard way :(. To me, and to everyone, your always gonna have problems, no matter who u date, but unless they are severe problems, its probably just normal couple stuff, u would go through with a whole different person and the odds that the person u dumped for the 7 year relationship, is usually not worth it. So i would really take a hard look and think about what you have. Its tough to find good guys/girls these days.
  6. brewman

    brewman Guest

    me and my g/f will be together 4 years in feb, so i kinda know where your coming from. and i'll have spells where i just like to be by myself and not be with her that evening. then, bam, we're together 24/7. my advice, do things together that you usually don't. dress up and go out for a nice dinner and movie or whatever. go to a city nearby and do that and stay in a hotel. just get the spark back is all you gotta do
  7. I think thats what it is too.

    My current gf is my first serious one and weve been together for almost 2 years now.

    I've pretty much come to feel that i won't be able to marry her because i have no perspective on whether theres someone out there i'd be better suited to.

    And i don't get excited to be going to see her any more, more happy to be doing something with her i guess.

    But what i feel is if i break up with her, i may come to regret it A LOT.

    Thats how you feel too i guess, but if those doubts are always going to be there, maybe its something you might just have to do.

    PPerhaps - have a talk, "trial seperatation", go travelling for a year or something to see what it's like away from her, then see how you feel when you see each other again.
  8. RuskeR

    RuskeR ReksuR

    Mar 11, 2002
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    Washington State
    If you've been together for 7 good years I don't see why you'd want to see what else is out there. So things get alittle boring after awhile. We'll it takes two to keep a relationship going. Spice it up alittle. Before you go and see if the grass is greener you need to really look at what you have and look around you and how many don't or wish they were in your shoes.

    I was with my girl for almost 5 years. It's over now but, if it wasn't for her I'd want to be with her forever and not really care what else I was missing. Good luck.. and if you do decide. Don't go behind her back.
  9. ImaSexyBitch

    ImaSexyBitch Guest

    My husband and I have only been married a year but have been together seriously for about 4 years, and not to long ago he was saying the exact same stuff as you are, in fact by reading what you have said brought back past anxiety's and fear in me. We almost got a divorce. he wanted to experience other woman cause i was his first, and he was mine. But the grass isn't greener on the other side. Once you have found that special someone you don't just want to throw them away. there is a difference between falling in love and being in love. Falling in love is that excitment part, that nervous giddy feeling inside, but after a while it turns into a comfortable love(which is what you have). After so many years you get so used to each other and comfortable with each other that you don't get that nervous feeling anymore, but it doesn't mean you love her any less. They say if your going to get married make sure its your best friend, cause that is what marriage is all about, being a team, being friends, having that person your with be someone you can trust and lean on for anything. Luckily i'm still married but when he said to me all the stuff you have said on here, it made me doubt him and now our trust isn't what it used to be. I wake up each day and wonder when he is going to up and leave me. At least your not married yet. But you better realize that there is alot worse out there then the person you love right now. think about what your world would be like without her in it. I can't tell you what to do, but follow your heart, and believe me sex is sex, every woman has the same hole. But its special when you have sex with the one you love. So it shouldn't matter that you have only been with one woman. Just be thankful that you didn't have to sleep around and get your heart broken several times to find that special someone. and besides if she has been with you for 7 years and hasn't left yet, then she is a keeper. Hope some of what i said helped.
  10. Hey, I can totally realte to this. I was until last year, in a relationship of the same length...and sometimes we had the same issues. In our case, it was best that we didn't take things any further. But, I would just say to give your relationship a long, hard look before making any rash decisions. 7 years together isn't such an easy thing to let go of...even if at times, you think it could be. Making the wrong decision could end up haunting you for the rest of your life.
    Goodluck to you with that.
  11. Thanks for the comments, everyone. This issue has been tearing me apart for about a week now, and it will continue to do so. However, it's not as bad as it sounds. It's time for me to do a lot of reflecting and soul-searching. I don't tend to make rash/emotional decisions, so that should work in my favour.

    Yes, you are probably right. By the looks of it, most of you are saying that the grass isn't greener. :)

    These comments probably sum up a lot of it. See, there's nothing wrong with our relationship. She treats me well. She gives me space. She loves me. She's great. The problem is me. She doesn't deserve me having these types of feelings.

    I somewhat had the same feelings I'm experiencing now last year. We went away on a vacation, and things were great. You might be right; another vacation/getaway may be in order. :)

    You are correct. I need to reflect and think about this very carefully.

    It actually has very little to do with sex with other women. It's actually more about connecting on a mental/emotional level with others. She is a good girlfriend, and I know she is gonna make a great mother/wife. My head tells me to stay with her because of this reason, but my heart is telling me to leave. If I marry her, I fear that I may be marrying her for the wrong reason. That is, I'd be marrying her for "utility" or "purpose" (for the lack of better words) instead of marrying for true love. She doesn't deserve that, and I would hate to hurt her anymore.

    Anyways, keep the comments coming. I'm starting to feel a little better just from reading. :)
  12. Mikey

    Mikey This one, this form I hold now, so Wide eyed and h

    Oct 18, 2001
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    Well, my girl and i will have been together for 3 years in jan. 2003. We got engaged after dating for 5 months. We live together and are planning on getting married in june of 2003. When your with someone for years there's always gonna be that routine you fall into, especially when living with that person. My girl and I both agree the spark isn't as bright and exciting as it was when we were first dating, but that's natural. In the beggining there's still mystery to the person your with, but after being with that person for a few years you learn their every move and know it like the back of your hand. You have been with her for 7 years. im sure you know everything about her and same with her knowing you. If the relationship has become boring it's because of two reasons....

    1. Like stated above, you know everything about eachother.

    2. You both have let it become boring.

    There's been time when we've gotten into fights and I've walked out and at the time want to leave, but after actually thinking about it, she is the only girl i want to be with and wouldn't be happy without her :)
  13. TurboDerek

    TurboDerek My favorite meal is horsemeat and rice.

    Jul 13, 2001
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    San Bernardino
    Make a list of what your ideal spouse would be/have.
    Give each item a weight based on priority.
    You SO should at least have 51% of what's important.
  14. prophit

    prophit OT Supporter

    Jan 17, 2002
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    Vancouver, Canada
    Im in a relationship of about 4 years, pretty similar situation. I dont get the same sparks we once did, but when I look into her eyes or we're just cuddling I get a great sense of peace and happiness. I still have doubts though heh. :big grin:

  15. Yes, this is very true and exactly why I need to think long and hard about this whole situation.

    If I leave, this is the thing that would scare me the most. Worst of all, it's probably true.

    This is the worst thing that could happen. I would hate to put her through that.
  16. Doh! I just realized that I made a mistake in my original post. This sentence above,

    should read as,

  17. eye_con

    eye_con Guest

    hey sounds like everyone has said what i've said but im gonna say it again to back it me and my gilr have been together for jsut about 3 years and we've been through alot and she has the EXACT same idea you g/f has: why are you with me and yadda yadda yadda. I always think boy that chick is smokin, and my girl is pretty hot, and good in bed to boot. whats happening is your second guessing yourself, if you didn't want to be with her you wouldn't have posted this. so thats cleared up.

    when me and my girl go "out" like to a restaraunt ad what not we have a good time its only when we are home that we have problems with eachother. I think alot of it has to do with the fact that you are with this person, that your gonna be with for the rest of your life, and she's always gonna be there, and thats kinda scary. basically its the routine thing you want somin different something wild another woman, when really the other woman most certainly isn't gonna be as good as this girl is, atleast not for another 7 years. do something different that routine. if you don't go out on vacations or road trips do that, and if you do that alot, don't do it instead of splurging on one trip every six months take her to a hotel every 6 weeks, or what ever, do something right out of the ordinary. I like it when me and my g/f go out to the mall not to buy things jsut to walk around and see the sites,

    maybe something sexual would be in order, buy something really out in left feild, even if she isn't up for it you'll have a good laugh and it'll get you talking about things you've wanted to try

    take a day off work with out her knowing and when she gets home have a big dinner and and candle light and all that all setup, and make a real romantic evening for her.

    if you love her do something to confess your love, paint a painting, draw a drawing, write a peom, pottery, wood working, carving, anything like that will show her you love her and even if it looks like shit, its like being a little child and giving you grandparents something you made in school, it doens't matter, its more the love and energy that went into it, if she loves you she probably wouldn't be ashamed to show it off :bigthumg: because its a symbol of love.

    do something for you self if you want it could make you feel better about yourself

    if she were to go visit her mom for a week and not see you at all and you miss her theres no problems

    if shes gone ad you don't even notice she's gone that would be the sign to move on

    when i see me gf everyday im like wahoo yippy, yeah right no i see her and it like seeing my self inthe mirror, it's nothing im excited about, but its part of you and everynow and then when you wake up in the morning and realize that your still here you kinda appreciate it, even if you know your face is still there
  18. Duran104

    Duran104 Guest

    Me and my girlfriend have been together for about 8 years now and we are only 21. reason I pointed out our age is that usually people my age are out dating, clubbing, you know just doing ordinary stuff.... but me I "tied down". At times I have the same exact feelings you have but after weighing everything else out its not worth it. See we have grown together, yeah the spark dies out but a vaction takes care of that, I mean really she does complete me...she knows me like you wouldn't believe and that is something that she will always have over any one else... she was with me when I graduated high school...when my grandma died.. when I was sick... see its that kind of stuff that no matter who the girl is they will never have experienced that so.. man I really cant express what this girl means but.. u have to understand those feelings are going to come and go its just your own mind sort of reminding you that stuff is getting just do something together and get rid of those feelings. The marriage thing is going on with me right now I want to but I dont know why we have to do it. It might be that I am scared of what everyone is going to say about my age and marriage but I am just going to bite the bullet and just do it another experience that we can put in our memories book.. Oh wait and my little girl is also a big part of the new found happyness in our relationship!!

    I might sound like a crazy mofo but its hard for me to give advise to someone cause it is always interpted differently.

    Remember the grass might be greener on the other side but how much fertilizer does it need to keep its color.


    :slap: Just curious why you are engaged so long? :whip: :whip:
  20. I like this comment. :)

  21. I'm going away for about 3 days on business in November. I guess it will be a pretty good indication of how I truly feel.

  22. pekkle01

    pekkle01 Guest

    me too ... very insightful ...
  23. Anyone think that behind all of this, it may be unconciously be a fear of commitment on my part? That is, the fear of spending the rest of my life with her.
  24. HMan

    HMan grossly deformed

    Jul 24, 2002
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    southern Indiana
    Let me say this. Been with my woman for 6.5 years, married for 1.5.

    The grass is always greener on the other side. However, its only because it has a lot of shit on it.

    Get past your doubts. If it ain't broke don't fix it.

    If there are serious problems other than just your "doubts" then move on to another pasture. Just know that not many people can find a girl that is worth "staying with" when they go looking.

    If you already have one then hang on to her and work things out. Trust me, its worth it.
  25. eye_con

    eye_con Guest

    what are you gonna think when your old and grey? it could be the subconcious but man you sound pretty tied up about this i think you love this woman very much and your jsut kinda scared/curious saying well this person has this and this person has this

    i work with a black guy and he's close to 40 and lays girls my age and im 20 and im like man this guy is the shit and i sat down and he said i was one of the luckiest guys he knows b/c my girl is hot and she loves me more than anything, he told me to hang on to that b/c if i go down the path he did i may get a different girl that will make me happy once or twice a night, but i have a woman that makes me happy all the time

    think about

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