Hi guys. Just need a place to rant and let some stress out. I think i just hit rock bottom... Im 20 years old. I live... or lived at home. I have a felony on my record for drug selling and im on 5 years probation. I got out of jail last November. Im having a very hard time finding a decent job. I dont even have a car and broke as hell. My parents are driving me crazy. My dad is kind of better... he doesnt bother me much and is positive about my situation.. but once in a while, when he's in a bad mood... he goes off on me out of the blues. It seems like he's trying to pick a fight with me sometimes.. He would comment on something in the past. Then he would get loud and start yelling. Heres the thing... if you dont talk back.. he'll keep at it.. if you do talk back (obviously yelling back so my voice can be heard from his yelling), he goes "Im your father! You dont yell at me!" and make another situation from that. And seems like when he ran out of things to say.. he would bring up literally EVERYTHING i ever did wrong in the past leading back to high school. I think he is a good person but doesnt know how to deal with his anger. But he is on vacation right now so everything is all good. My mom... wow. A total nutcase. She's always been a negative person.. nothing nice ever comes out of her mouth. I try to avoid her as much as possible by rarely coming out of my room and eating dinner really fast to avoid conversation. She is not that bright of a person (not to be mean or anything) Everything about her ticks me off.. from the way she thinks she knows it all (but is inaccurate 80% of the time), try to sound smart from the stupidess things like explain to you how to make a sandwich.. she talks to us like she talks to a 5 year old.. ex: when im downstairs making a sandwich.. she goes up to you and act like you need help. And then she goes into deep details.. ex: take 2 slices of bread out from the bag, place it on the table, go inside the fridge and get some mayo, get a butter knife from the kitchen counter and spread it on both sides of the bread, get some ham out from the fridge, put it in the microwave and heat it for 1-2 minutes, bring it out and place it on the bread evenly, put the top bread... etc. Im not kidding, she does this for everything. When you tell her you got it.. she just rambles on! She exagerates and lies to the family and my dad to either make the story more interesting or make people look bad.. She will assume something and then think its the truth! She thinks the worst of me.. nothing nice ever comes out of her mouth. She would always approach you for no reason.. just stand next to you.. sometimes she pets you like a dog. Then she will ALWAYS say something negative to just wrong.. anything just to ruin my day.. how ugly you are, how you look like shit, how useless you are, sometimes she would complain about something or someone like the dog, my dad, neighbors, etc. Sometimes you would give you this funny looking face (very weird and unusual) and just stare at you for no reason at all.. then she'll say something like damn your ugly. She says she doesnt sleep and worries when i go out.. but i need to go out or else i'll go insane. She sometimes claim she is coughing up blood or going to die.. this have been going on for some time. She would claim its your fault.. or my sisters fault.. or my dads fault just to make someone worry or some shit. She is rude as hell... she NEVER washes her hands, starts to take off her pants before she's in the bathroom, picks her nose, makes these sniffling noises every few seconds, and the thing that gets me boiling all the time.. she would fart out of nowhere.. she would fart when your in a middle of a sentence. She claims she only does this at home when there are no guest around but she does it in public too. Her cooking can be very insanitary. I know i cant eat any chicken she makes or else or i'll get sick an hour later.. i get diarrhea from her food all the time. Yet, its a family thing to get together at dinner. I smoke weed in my room sometimes to help me calm down and relax... but i stopped because you can smell it in the house. She claims the smoke is so strong that it gets her high and puke. I really dont know how that can happen.. i put a towel under the door, open the window, put a fan next to the window, etc. My sister doesnt complain or she doesnt smell it. Shes been going on and on weeks about it. I dont know where she gets the information but she "knows" it cost $3000 for weed, its highly addictive, you die from it, you can overdose, it and it ruins your appetite. Since i got out of jail, my appetite shot down.. i went from 160 to 140. I think its due to depression. I just dont feel hungry.. weed helps with that a little. I also have some pretty bad insomnia.. i usually drink a beer or roll up a blunt at night to help me fall asleep sometimes. I went off a few nights ago. I just lost it... I was on the computer late at night and she approaches me.. she stood there for a while.. then she does that strange things she does and pets my head and arms like i was a baby. Then she goes,"if your still hungry, go downstairs, go in the fridge..... bla bla bla". I said alright.. and i she left to go to sleep.. Then i went to use the bathroom and i notice my bedroom light was on... she was going through my things and found a ashtray in my desk. I told her to get out and she did. She went to sleep.. then out of the blues, she comes out and starts nagging how im going to die, how bad i am, etc.. so i ran in my room and locked the door (this happens a lot).. but she then starts saying shit like... just go kill yourself, go jump off a bridge, go slit your wrist.. and next thing i know.. i was hitting the door. i put a whole in the door and busted up my hand. that was the first time i seriously though about just killing myself. i just sat there for a moment staring at a pair of scissors... then i notice how much my hand hurts and bleeding. I let it bleed for a while just staring at it and all types of things went though my mind. Next thing i know, i was packing up some clothes and just took off. I didnt have anywhere to go.. it was almost midnight. So i walked around for a good 2 hours trying to call some people up with no luck. I walked a good 2 hours and finally reached my friends house. I didnt want to wake his family up so i knocked on his window. I stayed there the night until he had to to go work.. so i just told him to drop me off at the bart station. I didnt know where i was going. Finally, i got a motel room and just chilled there watching TV. I didnt get any sleep at all for 2 days. After that, i just did some more walking with no destination.. just thinking. I was really tired so i went home. I still cant sleep and i am all out of weed. I didnt eat shit either.. im feeling out of it. I just packed up my clothes with nowhere to go but i know.. i have to leave. My mom just approach me but she didnt say much and i just ignored her.. I think its best to be gone for a while.. get some space. I really dont want to hurt her but this while situation at home is really fucking me over. I really want to get some anti depressants but i dont have any health coverage and cant afford them. I did a lot of thinking and here is somethings i came up with.. 1. Find a friend that'll let me live there for a while.. pay a little for rent.. find a job.. any job! 2. Armed Forces BUT i dont think i can with a felony. 3. Jobcorps Any suggestions would greatly be appreciated.