Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Durka Durka, Oct 18, 2007.
without thinking people are walking all over you?
this is kind of a problem i have.
Be nice to people, but stand your ground. If they ask a favor of you that you wish to decline upon, do it. Don't feel obligated to do it, and don't feel as if you are no longer extending your niceness in their direction by saying no.
I have the same problem. People have always told me I'm too nice. I'm the type of girl who (in elementary school) used to let people borrow her pencils and never got them back.
Being nice is loaning the pencil and having it returned. Being taken advantage of is loaning the pencil, and not demanding it's return.
people are so fucking greedy these days, and i feel like they see my kindness as weakness, i never let people take advantage of me, but 80% of the time they get all pissy about it, despite the fact that i'm generally polite and tolerant. it's really annoying.
People often mistake kindness for other things. Look at how many guys think a girl is totally into them when she's just being friendly.
So people might try to take advantage of my kindness and if so, I withdraw my kindness. It's not that big of a deal although sometimes I get all screwed up about it.
For me, if I'm being kind with an expectation of something in return, that's where I get all screwed up cuz people will do whatever they want. So I try to be kind because that's how I like to be. I don't expect people to be kind back but often they are.
But this is all just general stuff and for me, that's not as practical as an example. Is there some event that triggered this thread?? If so, what?
Personally I have quit loaning anything to anyone.
Why?? because some of my best friends in the world have not returned things when I explicitly said I wanted something back. I looked at the friend I've known the longest, other than family, and said, "Look I don't want to loan this to you because I want it. However, I will but you really must promise to return it promptly."
I spent quite some time reiterating this point with him and explaining why I don't like to loan things to people.....because they never return them. He assured me that he would return it promptly.
Well 2-3 months later it hadn't come back and I asked him about it. Turns out, he loaned it to another friend. Oh man, I was PISSED! I made him track it down and get it back ASAP. That fucker still took like a week to get it back to me. I said, "See YOU are the reason I don't loan shit. It's fuckers like you that borrow shit and don't have the decency to return it that cause me so much grief."
Then it occurred to me, part of my deal with loaning shit out is, IF I want it back, I have to keep up with who has it and pester them to get it back. If I don't loan it out to anyone....my life is much simpler. So fuck everyone. I don't loan shit anymore.
It's funny how many times I've heard, "Yeah I know you want it back, I'll return it promptly." I just look at them and laugh and say, "Do you realize how many times I've heard that and believed it and NEVER got my stuff back??" People have stopped asking to borrow stuff now and I'm happier about now.
Stop being nice to people.
Like me, then people will stop bothering you
be kind to people, but don't let them walk over you
aka, dont shoot yourself in the foot in order to be kind to people
i see that you don't understand the difference between being kind and being a tool
being kind does not mean you give to others everything they desire, being kind means having a thought in your mind for them and accomodating their wishes and desires whenever it's possible to do so, without compromising your own needs, wishes and desires
Usually I share or and am nice to people to the point where its an inconvinience to me.
With loaning I keep tabs on them and wont just loan anyone. With some people I don't keep tabs, If they want to loan some money it's a gift unless it's a large amount.
But friends and sharing economy usually dont work. It can destroy friendships. Like if your sharing apartments and such.
you have to occasionally lash out so they don't mistake your kindness for weakness
you start being nice to people by treating yourself nicely. i dare you to question whether or not you treat yourself nicely...do you condemn yourself, criticize yourself harshly. I think sometimes people who are mean or hurtful have been mistreated or hurt themselves.
I have to chime in about the other side of this...because I'm the person that forgets to return things. Its almost ruined some friendships for me, and I feel horrible for that - its not that I want to steal their stuff, or that I didnt care about our friendship, I'm just uber forgetful.
HOWEVER, because I've realized this about myself, I try not to ask people to borrow things. Hell, I dont have a library card, or rent movies because I just cant seem to get them back on time. If I absolutely have to, I take GREAT care to ensure I return it (putting stuff in front of the door before I leave, keeping it in the car, etc.) Its helped some, but still, I just dont borrow.
I lend quite a bit though, probably to put some good borrowing karma back in the air from all the stuff I've forgotten to return in the past
Do good things because you WANT to do them.
This involves painstaking honesty. Ask yourself "would I do this if nobody said thanks, nobody noticed, or the other person didn't like me?"
There's your answer. How much of this nice stuff are you doing because you TRULY want to do it. And how much is you qualifying to people to gain their acceptance?