i dont even know what to say. not like it would help anyway. just sick of being so damn alone all the time. and its my own fault. i push everyone away. even my best friends. life has been upside down for a long time. so many things have changed yet so many things are the exact same. i feel like im going back in time while it still advances. i really should just close the window. no good will come of this. not even sure why im posting it. guess i can blame exhaustion imparing my better judgement. i just wish i knew how to get through all of this. i mean how can a child so innocent and pure be cursed before she was even born. it makes no sense. what kinda god could have done this to me? and i keep tryin to tell myself maybe this pain is for a reason. maybe there will be some reward for not ending the pathetic excuse that is my life. but then im reminded i dont believe in any of that and regardless of how i leave this world, the next one is probably going to be just as bad things are dark. extremely dark and morbid. i cant share any of that though because it would drive off the few people that still try. i miss b. i miss her so much. i dunno how i drove her off but she is in just as bad of shape as i am. she's already given up. just as i have. waiting to die. sometimes i wish we could meet out by the lake and write each other's notes and go together.. guess im just dramatic like that. not like it would ever happen. we both made promises. im tired. im sick of fake sleeping. im sick of the haunting dreams of another life when i really sleep. im sick of being with these amazing friends and an incredible sister and feeling more real there than anywhere and having to wake up and wonder why im in bed alone and trying to figure out where he went. im too unstable for this place. noone will ever understand. its my destiny to be alone. i just dont want to accept it.