On 5/5/06, my father died in his sleep. I have so many regrets about it because last week I was very busy and the day he died, 2 hours prior I had only spoken maybe 5 words at most. I keep trying to tell myself he died peacefully and how many people would want to die. It was just the 3 of us, my mom, dad and I living at home. With my dad gone and my mom scared/unwilling to drive, I now carry the burden as the man and driver of the house. He left behind many objects that remind me of him. This includes, his cars, fishing gear, gun collection, baseball caps, his dog. He was 70 years old. For the first few days since he died, I was somewhat in denial. It didn't feel like he really was dead. It kinda felt like he was just away, fishing trip or out of town. Then the wake came. We had a 2-day wake then the funeral. The first time I saw him open coffin, I burst into tears. I had invited many of my friends, new and old (mostly people my dad had met over the years). They came by and it made me feel OK. The second day of the wake, I cried a little and again saw some friends I haven't seen in a while. The day of the funeral and the last time I would see my dad's body was very sad for me. I gave him a last hug and kiss goodbye. I narrated a reading at the mass and watch him get entombed. Then the loss really began to hit me. I find myself now waking up earlier, feeding and taking care of his dog (which I never did prior only when he was away), ironing my shirt and pants (he wouldn't let me do this but taught me how to), taking care of the house and bills (again another responsibility he was solely doing himself). After 5 bereavement days off, I decided to come into work today to get out of the house because my sadness was getting worse. I drove my mom to my uncle's and felt bad since she can't drive or be alone to long. Seeing her cry automatically makes me more sad. Handling his "estate" since he did not leave a will or payable on death checking account hurts too because as meticulous as he was in keeping records, he didnt really have a contingency plan. I think he believed he was going to live alot longer than he did. He left behind 3 cars, 2 of which are paid for so my mother gave 1 each to my brother and I with the last car which currently has a loan on it is up in the air. Luckily for us, both my parents names were on the house so it automatically falls to her. Today I'm going to the DMV to change title/ownership on the car my mom gave me...his 2003 350Z. As much as I wanted his car, I really did not want it under these circumstances. I feel guilty about it and feel like I'm betraying my dad. I can't concentrate at work and my friends, as supportive as they are I wish I could be with them all the time. I get depressed that sometimes my mother and I have family over, then when they leave my world turns black. I even called my house today, knowing no one was home wishing my dad would answer. I keep seeing my dad as if he were still around in all the places I would expect to see him and I wish it was real. I keep thinking about how not to long ago, now approximately 1 week ago that he was still around that I could go back in time and spend some more time with him. I have so many questions and I miss him deeply.