I care about my family and friends so much, but by caring too much I always seem to end up making things only worse for them. I want to help, but no one needs my help, and I always mess up anyways, I feel useless and a burden. Like they would be better off without me, even if they would never admit that. I always try to put other before myself, I always offer to help, but I either screw up or no one accepts my help. I have absolutely terrible social skills with pure awkwardness, and I have a lack of skills in general. I can't do simple things like whistle or snap my fingers, I have a terrible singing voice, I can't dance, I don't have a great knowledge of movies/music/cars/sports/anything, I lack street sense, I'm not strong, I'm not that good-looking, when I don't have acne you can still see all the acne scars. I feel like I have so much self-control that nothing comes naturally to me anymore. I think I have a stale personality, not much of a sense of humor or quick wit. I have very low self-esteem. I'm very sensitive to everything. A single cousin or friend being angry at me makes me feel terrible and break down and feel lower than dirt. My boyfriend told me I was crazy and to fuck off when we broke up. Maybe I am crazy. Oh yeah, I'm gay too. When I'm in a room when I'm quiet I always make everyone uncomfortable, sometimes I feel more lonely in a group than I do than when I'm by myself. Sometimes I pretend not to know what others say about me behind my back. When I try to have fun and act silly and goofy it's like at the opposite extreme, and even if I'm not acting any goofier than my friends are it somehow puts them off and say I'm acting too weird. I want to be myself, but when I am, I am just too silly and too confident and for some reason it puts other people off, or I make some big mistake in my cockiness, which then in turn destroys my self-esteem and confidence again. I think self-confidence might actually be a bad thing for me. I trust my friends with secrets, but they don't seem to trust me as much as I trust them. I'm always the one trying to hang out with them and never the other way around, I think my presence just makes them uncomfortable. I don't think my cousins trust me much either, I'm always the last person to hear about things. I want to go home, but home no longer feels like it's with my family or my friends or could be anywhere on Earth. Also, I have Crohn's disease, a chronic disease I will have to be on medicine for for the rest of life to basically keep my immune system from killing my body. Which I almost died from last summer. Last month my immune system began attacking my skin and I had terrible eczema for weeks. I want people to understand me, see the good in me, remember the best of me. But I don't think even I can understand myself or see the good in myself. I want to feel loved. I want to give, I want to share, I want to help, I want to contribute, I want to show that I care, but no one is willing to do the same to me or even let me do that to them. I feel like I fail at life. The meaning of life comes from being true to yourself and loving others. We are supposed to serve others selfless and humbly. But I feel like I don't always know how to be myself, nothing comes to me naturally, and the people I care about don't seem to care about me as much. I keep trying and I was taught to never give up, but it hurts so much and it is so hard. I feel like my loved ones may be better off without me in their lives.