I almost had friends. I've been hanging out with a group of people lately. I thought everything was going fine. Then I get an email from one of them suggesting I find other people to hang with. Apparently I've been bumming them out. I was hurt...but instead of writing back a rational email asking why, I sent something completely hysterical (not funny, flipping out). After a terse apology from the original emailer, communication ceased. I emailed the person who had introduced me to the group, and she basically agreed that finding new people might be good for me. I replied with a disingenuous apology for being Captain Bringdown. I'm hurt, but I know I overreacted. I wanted to. I wanted them to crawl and beg forgiveness and plead that I stay with them. They didn't. Maybe I just gave them an excuse to stop talking to me. Maybe I just put them off. The worst part is that part of me enjoyed pushing them away. I guess vulnerability is a bitch, and always will be. I'm almost 30 and I still react like a child to perceived insults. I should apologize, but I don't want to. They wanted me gone. So I'm gone, and for once I didn't try to be the "bigger man". I'm not proud of it, but I did enjoy it on a certain level. I'm so afraid and tired of being hurt. I try to be a good guy; I try to be a friend. It feels like people still want nothing to do with me. So I lash out - if I can hurt so can they. This is not a good relationship model.