To my ex. My mom is threataning to disconnect the home phone, internet, everything but dad's cell phone if she finds out I talk to my ex. Granted she doesn't know about my pre-paid cell phone that I keep hidden in my console so I will still be able to talk to him if she does all this but I had to get things off my chest to him. What would you all think of this if you got it from an ex? Pease go easy on me, as you can see in my other threads its been one hell of a week Hi Wow I can't believe its been a week already. I know I said I would call you tomorrow around noon but I just watched tonights episode of QAF and wow. That show has never made me cry until tonight. So here it is 122 am and a week later I'm still doing the same thing I was a week ago. Setting in my bed crying, feeling hurt, feeling more alone in life then I've ever felt before. The most disturbing part of tonights episode was when Brian went into that buring building looking for Justin and rescued him (sorry if I've spoiled anything) that was when I realized something and it scared the living daylights out of me. I don't feel safe anymore, I don't have anyone to run to when things in life turn sour, and for lack of better words when I need saved my knight in shining armor is no longer there driving his red white and blue african antelope (Well you are but thanks to my mom you wouldn't be able to save me) ((He's a cop and his cruiser is an Impala)). I hope that you never have to endour the week that I've had, or should I say we have had because I know it's been hard on everyone. I also realize I'm running a huge risk in sending you this e-mail but I don't care. This isn't an "I'm over you" e-mail as I'm not sure I will ever lose my love for you but its more of a "wow... he's gone". I realize that you have made the choice to be straight from now on, and I also know I said on the phone tonight I was too, but alas thats only the new lie I have told my mother to hopefully get her off my back for awhile. I will try my hardest from now (after this e-mail anyway) on to respect your choice and try not to much to mention how much I loved, and still love you. How's (dog)? God I'm missing her she took over a big spot in my heart after (my 15 yr old dog) passed away this year. Today was so fucked up. It was my first shopping trip and I started to call to ask you what you wanted for supper and I tried buying (his dog) treats because I remembered she was running low last time I was over there. But like the evil witch she is my mother reminded me both times I'm not allowed to do either of those anymore, thanks to her. And you know what it made me realize something, its MY life not hers. Why am I always doing whatever pleases her? Why do I give a rats ass what she says? Why did I think she would be ok with me being gay because it was with you (don't take that the wrong way, I meant it as a compliment towards you)?! Nothing I have done seems to be good enough for her, nobody I brought home was good enough for me, and none of my friends have supposidly been good enough for me. Thats when I decided that 2006 is going to be the emancipation of RyRy. I WILL be a college graduate in 2006, I WILL start a new life in 2006, I WILL start living for myself in 2006. Granted I wish and hope that you will come around and help me with the emancipation, and join me in my new life, but the choice is yours. And yes I know its not 2006 yet but it will soon be, and I now have goals that I'm setting for myself. If you want to know them just ask but mostly they include settiling down, finding a career, getting my own place, etc. Hopefully like I said you will be with me in someway for the rest of this journey we call life and although I'm trying to purge the images of me and you having a house, a family, etc. its hard to do. Let it be known that you still have the key to my heart for the rest of our lives no matter how many miles they may wind up being apart in the future and that most of the best memories of my teens and twentys happened with you. Also know that I bought a damn Jennifer Lopez CD and a Mariah Carey CD just so I could hear the song "I'm Glad" and "We Belong Together" as it sums up pretty much the way I feel about you and it makes me think of the happy times we shared together. Love, "RyRy" P.S. Please if you will do one, well actually two things for me. 1) Never talk about killing yourself, again EVER. Know that no matter how low you are at that moment there are people on this world that love you 1,000,000,000,000,000 times more then how low you are feeling. 2) Never kill yourself. This one is kinda selfish because I would spend the rest of my life wondering if it was to due with something I said on a hot July night. P.S.S. I'm sorry this has been such a long email but Im trying to cover anything I can think of since it might be awhile before I'm able to talk to you again. I feel like a person stuck in one of those Nazi concentration camps right now, not being able to talk to you and others when I want to or when I need to.