SRS I don't have any close friends/best friend

brianpsx

It betta go up
OT Supporter
Nov 29, 2001
7,068
Fullerton, CA
I'm naturally an introvert. I like to spend time with myself and it doesn't bother me. I am social and outgoing when I am in social environments. I don't have a best friend or any close friends that relate to me. The relationships in my life are just luke warm. I'll go out from time to time with these friends and just get drunk/high whatever.
When it comes to a real genuine relationship, there is absolutely nothing there with people i know. It seems people get jealous, uptight, selfish so easily. I'm not sure if it's me. I'm really open minded and willing to help people whenever I have the ability. This aspect of my life makes me really sad and disappointed. The only people I have a close relationship with is my mom and dad.
Am I just being judgmental of my friends? I'm not perfect, but I am working to improve my weaknesses.
 

Spiritus

Well-Known Member
Oct 15, 2002
19,323
Nah. Generally if you take things like shopping, cars, drugs, alcohol, sex, etc out of the equation then nothing remains.

Well, we have our limits. We need to talk about something with our friends.

For me, I prefer to talk about spirituality and have spiritually minded friends. Spirituality is just another word for working on yourself, really. So I like to have friends that work on themselves and talk to them about that.

This beats drugs because drug friends tend to be knobs a lot of the time. They either are snubbing you off, or thieving from you, or only there for the drugs or good time.

At least if you have a good friendship that involves fishing, cars, something positive and clean, then there is a potential that the person might actually like you and care for you.

I was always judgmental of my drug using friends, even when I used drugs. In fact sometimes I hated them but still acted like I was their friend. :)
 

Spiritus

Well-Known Member
Oct 15, 2002
19,323
Obama has also written and talked about using alcohol, marijuana and cocaine during his teenage years to "push questions of who I was out of my mind."
 
TS
TS
brianpsx

brianpsx

It betta go up
OT Supporter
Nov 29, 2001
7,068
Fullerton, CA
Nah. Generally if you take things like shopping, cars, drugs, alcohol, sex, etc out of the equation then nothing remains.

Well, we have our limits. We need to talk about something with our friends.

For me, I prefer to talk about spirituality and have spiritually minded friends. Spirituality is just another word for working on yourself, really. So I like to have friends that work on themselves and talk to them about that.

This beats drugs because drug friends tend to be knobs a lot of the time. They either are snubbing you off, or thieving from you, or only there for the drugs or good time.

At least if you have a good friendship that involves fishing, cars, something positive and clean, then there is a potential that the person might actually like you and care for you.

I was always judgmental of my drug using friends, even when I used drugs. In fact sometimes I hated them but still acted like I was their friend. :)

This is a very mind opening viewpoint I never realized. I'm also into improving myself, but seems most of my friends think they are amazing "as is." It really hurts them from growing as people. Going to the gym is a big part of my life, but I also workout by myself.
 

Spiritus

Well-Known Member
Oct 15, 2002
19,323
Yep. My (old) friends (who do drugs) think they are just fine as they are and nothing needs to be improved. They are full of an unbearable pride; you can't talk to them about these sort of things. They are interested in things like physical fitness, but if you talk about working on the mind itself, emotions or anything of that matter then they completely reject the idea and laugh it off. Very few people are mature enough to admit that their mind is flawed, and that they have an emotional unbalance.

Even then - they can be pretty crappy at working out, too. A story of one friend I used to smoke weed with. Well, I had stopped for about a year or two at the point of this story. We used to go to the gym together, and if he was high or not, it would not matter. But he would want to push me to do these ridiculous routines, to go around and use every machine.

Every month you would hear from him that he pulled such and such a muscle and he would be unable to do anything but drink in his bed and play video games for a week because of it.

Or you would want to walk on a trail with him and talk, to just chill out and see how far you could go before wanting to turn back. He is totally incapable of this - he either wants to jog when I want to walk, or he is telling you to drink your drink faster. Personally, I was drinking a Red Bull and he was telling me about how pointless it was to even go for a walk because the carbs from the Red Bull would cancel it out. :hsugh:

Ugh, it's just awful man. I can never do anything with those people. I have had a couple cool friends that smoked and I could play basketball with them and stuff but even they ended up snubbing me off or we all felt uncomfortable when they ran out of pot... :p

Meanwhile, the people who worked on themselves have invited me into their homes. Recently they paid 650 dollars just so I would have a place to stay and food to eat while I visited them for a week, it is truly unbelievable. I stayed rent free for a week in Montreal - just contributed a minor amount of money for food. We talked, walked, played chess, had dinner with beautiful woman who are also working on themselves in an effective way. The difference is astounding; depending on who you are with, they will work to no end to try and make you feel as comfortable as possible, to make good conversation and make every experience a memorable one.

There is a whole sub-culture of people who are seriously devoted to working on themselves.

It really depends on how you want to go about it. If you are skeptical about matters of spirituality then there are dozens of venues where you can meet some fairly decent people. Personally I've met all my friends on a Gnostic forum which is now closed. Obviously this is a very spiritual route.

Gnosis is essentially this - casting away all our false beliefs, assumptions, prejudices, etc that we have learned our entire lives. Deep down we are all very intelligent, knowledgeable. We just need to cast away all the crap and all the lies that we believe in in order to really begin to understand ourselves.

We are practical and discuss God, Kaballah, Neitsche, Goethe, ancient Greece, Nordic Runes and so on. Anything is up for discussion - as long as somehow we can gain practical and personal value out of it, to improve ourselves and aid humanity. And it works.

So yes. Perfection so that one may be better able to assist others, is basically the name of the game.

Everyone should be working to improve themselves so that they can assist others. Most people nowadays are just obsessed with themselves and their own story. They often end up in dire straits and requiring help from others. I see it everywhere: bad back here, economic problems there, divorce with children here, addiction there. Problems everywhere.

There are plenty of Gnostic groups in your area if you wish to consider that route. It is the one I of course, strongly suggest. Many just do not have the knack for it however. In which case I strongly suggest you work towards perfection however you can. If you consider yourself Christian, there are ways you can work through that to try and achieve perfection, the same with any religion.

In any case, no matter what you believe. As long as you are being born as a better person, dying in your defects and sacrificing for humanity, then you are working with the three factors in your own personal way and you will progress in a positive development.

This was a bit much but I hope it helps adjust your mind stream on a positive path as you go forward in life! :)
 

djshotglass

New Member
May 4, 2007
3,756
I don't know about all that spirituality business. Different strokes for different folks I suppose.

I have the same problem as you do. I have a problem really connecting to a lot of people. Lots of people have fake personalities and are quite selfish. If you don't like the friends you have then you need to try and meet new friends. Don't just meet people at bars or parties because then you'll probably just end up with drug users and most of them are selfish people. Like me you're going to have to make a real effort to get outside of your comfort zone and strike up conversations with strangers. And if you like them don't be afraid to ask for their number so you can ask them if they want to hang out later.

If you find you're having trouble making a good impression on people or just don't know what to say to them I'd recommend you read the book "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie. It was written in 1937 but the advice is still %100 relevant to today's world. It has really helped me improve my relationships with people. It showed me some things that as an introvert I just didn't realize were important to some people. Such as greeting everyone by their name.
 
Last edited:

jfelix

OT since 2002
OT Supporter
Feb 22, 2011
1,184
Toronto
I'm naturally an introvert. I like to spend time with myself and it doesn't bother me. I am social and outgoing when I am in social environments. I don't have a best friend or any close friends that relate to me.


I totally feel you. I'm exactly the same way in being an introvert and for the most part like being by myself. I' m lucky to have grown up with people since I was a child but I've also met like minded people just through everyday life in my early/mid 20s who've I've become extremely close too. I'm 27 btw.

Work, social events/gatherings and just going to things that are of general interest to you is a good way to start. I believe it's important to be yourself and keep an open mind. You can't force yourself to connect to others or force others to connect with you. All you can really do is spend the time to get to know another person and if you click then a relationship will blossom.
 

chaos24_7

New Member
May 10, 2004
2,000
OR
This beats drugs because drug friends tend to be knobs a lot of the time. They either are snubbing you off, or thieving from you, or only there for the drugs or good time.

At least if you have a good friendship that involves fishing, cars, something positive and clean, then there is a potential that the person might actually like you and care for you.

I was always judgmental of my drug using friends, even when I used drugs. In fact sometimes I hated them but still acted like I was their friend. :)

Very True, scavengers as I call them. Only there till your out of goods or till the parties over. I found that out the hard way. I hate the bar scene and have associated with pot heads forever. They all disappear when your not doing what they want. If you have to do what someone else wants all the time to be able to spend time with them then they arnt really your friend in my opinion.

Personally I find working my yard is great sense of satisfaction and like sharing it with others. In turn I offer to come work with them on theirs and bond a little. Also maybe a social hobby. I enjoy shooting, but not hunting. Ive met very cool people out at the range/woods. Good release blowing something up. I also started running r/c cars, watch all the little kids and neighbors flock to the street and come chat about them. Hit the local track and chat up with peoples with the same interests. Its hard to grow a good friend(unless its a plant,lol) But what Im getting at is, it takes time and effort. I dont think theres anything wrong with using facebook to meet new people in groups. But I feel ya. :wavey:
 

Spiritus

Well-Known Member
Oct 15, 2002
19,323
Yup, just be patient when trying to meet new friends. Don't focus on making them - they'll be there. People put a lot of importance on friends, but if you go through a period without them you will realize that they are only there to compliment what you already have. You should be able to enjoy your own presence to a great degree. Ideally you would meet people who are able to have that ability as well.

That is the problem with pot heads. They rely on drugs to provide that entertaining time, and without it they are often bored and miserable. I'm sorry, but it's true. And they are addicted to it, as I was addicted to it, so... they are wretched.

It is hard for people like you and me to meet people like ourselves. They are out there, but mostly when you go out and meet people, they tend to have a lot of problems or drink and do drugs. So naturally people who avoid drinking or using drugs become a little isolated, especially in this computer age.

So connecting through Facebook and the computer is a great idea. It can be really wacky to meet someone over the Internet but to be honest it is interesting that the opportunity is there. Friendships or acquaintances can be made that would have never likely occurred in daily life. It is an opportunity to grow.
 

surpriseice

New Member
Jun 29, 2011
7
i have the same problem. most relationships that we strike with people these days are superficial. it's mostly because we are so polite and civil with one another upon first meeting especially if we see a potential friendship. although it seems stupid, i have definitely found it's better to start out a relationship seeing someones faults and criticizing and arguing (as long as it's mutual) because then later you aren't surprised by difficult issues that may come up and you'll know how to deal with them and it won't be as difficult to get over. in addition, the conflict won't put strain on your relationship, it will bring you closer together. just a thought....
 

Spiritus

Well-Known Member
Oct 15, 2002
19,323
i have the same problem. most relationships that we strike with people these days are superficial. it's mostly because we are so polite and civil with one another upon first meeting especially if we see a potential friendship. although it seems stupid, i have definitely found it's better to start out a relationship seeing someones faults and criticizing and arguing (as long as it's mutual) because then later you aren't surprised by difficult issues that may come up and you'll know how to deal with them and it won't be as difficult to get over. in addition, the conflict won't put strain on your relationship, it will bring you closer together. just a thought....

Well we also have to be very selective of who we become friends with, right?

It is essential to form a friendship with someone who aspires for the highest ideal that you aspire for.

It is essential to have at least that common value.

Depending on the nature of the personalities, fights may or may not occur. There have been some friends in my life that have simply never fought with me, we agreed on the vast majority of things. On the other hand, you will find others stubborn, proud or eccentric.

So when that happens, you can always fall back onto that great aspiration that you share. You can talk about that and find common ground in this higher aspiration.

I've had friends that don't share my highest aspirations. I would be talking with their friends about Buddhism and they would not like it. It will end up with the urge of you wanting to scrap the friendship simply because it doesn't match your highest values.

Much can be said about choosing a wife in this fashion, also. If your wife doesn't share your highest ideals *WHATEVER THEY MAY BE*... then that is a source of suffering. To agree on lower things is miserable.
 

SpaMan

Mind over matter.
Dec 10, 2001
642
IL
Well we also have to be very selective of who we become friends with, right?

It is essential to form a friendship with someone who aspires for the highest ideal that you aspire for.

It is essential to have at least that common value.

Depending on the nature of the personalities, fights may or may not occur. There have been some friends in my life that have simply never fought with me, we agreed on the vast majority of things. On the other hand, you will find others stubborn, proud or eccentric.

So when that happens, you can always fall back onto that great aspiration that you share. You can talk about that and find common ground in this higher aspiration.

I've had friends that don't share my highest aspirations. I would be talking with their friends about Buddhism and they would not like it. It will end up with the urge of you wanting to scrap the friendship simply because it doesn't match your highest values.

Much can be said about choosing a wife in this fashion, also. If your wife doesn't share your highest ideals *WHATEVER THEY MAY BE*... then that is a source of suffering. To agree on lower things is miserable.

At the same time there's nothing wrong with being friends with people of different moral values. We all have one thing in common - we're alive and human. I think there's a lot to go on from there. Of course, to each his own, I get why people want to hang out with people who share the same values. It makes logical sense. I just don't think a lot of people share my values or approach to life, so I -hope- I can meld with people who aren't like me, because I don't think a lot of people are.
 

Fate13

New Member
Sep 14, 2006
274
Minnesota
First: Realize that making friends is difficult for the majority of people. Some are naturally good at it and appear to make friends left and right, but that isn't most people.

Second: What you consider a friendship and what some else considers a friendship can be two completely different things. So keep that in mind when looking for advice.

As an example I consider allot of people I know as simple acquaintances, but recently discovered that one of these people felt that him and I were actually friends. I have since happily accepted him as a friend and have made a greater effort to stay in touch and so forth.

Third: Don't expect what you expect from yourself from others; this will make finding friends easier and help to not push potential/current friends away. People are full of flaws and conflict, which is what makes them interesting to interact with. If all your friends are like you or "yes" men then you will either end up with shallow friendships or ones that end up feeling stagnate over time.

Fourth: It's OK to make mistakes when "picking" people to be friends with, just learn from those mistakes. If you figure out that pot heads don't make good friends for you, then avoid those kind of people (and more importantly where they hang out) when looking for new friends.

I am in the same boat as you, but I have taken these points into my own search for new friends and they have served me well so far.
 

Spiritus

Well-Known Member
Oct 15, 2002
19,323
At the same time there's nothing wrong with being friends with people of different moral values. We all have one thing in common - we're alive and human. I think there's a lot to go on from there. Of course, to each his own, I get why people want to hang out with people who share the same values. It makes logical sense. I just don't think a lot of people share my values or approach to life, so I -hope- I can meld with people who aren't like me, because I don't think a lot of people are.

This is fine and I've done it but ultimately conflicts can arise. We will have to agree to disagree.

"Different" is a very vague word. I'm talking about, people that might not help you in goals. In order to reach a very high level in fitness, etc, it is very beneficial to have active friends, no? If you have friends who are very inactive or always eating junk and you spend a lot of time with them then obviously it will be harmful to your goals. The only way to counter this is by spending less time with them, and the ultimate form of doing something about it would be to abandon them for the majority of the time and hang out with friends who are more active. It is only in this way can you really complement the behaviors that are most valuable to you.

While it is good to interact with all types of people, I think the philosophy about friendship is a different one, and sometimes there are very difficult decisions (including abandoning friends and going it alone) if we desire to be a certain type of person. The alcoholic or drug abuser should abandon friends who use drugs or alcohol for example, they often do this by moving away. Likewise, people often move to places to be closer to like minded people of a certain niche.
 

Users who are viewing this thread

About Us

  • Please do not post anything that violates any Local, State, Federal or International Laws. Your privacy is protected. You have the right to be forgotten. Site funded by advertising, link monetization and member support.
OT v15.8.1 Copyright © 2000-2022 Offtopic.com
Served by fu.offtopic.com

Online statistics

Members online
397
Guests online
48
Total visitors
445

Forum statistics

Threads
369,596
Messages
16,898,020
Members
86,875
Latest member
Theodor