I don't know what it is. I push everyone away. I want to go to hell and I hate God, and I used to have a strong faith. I have cut off contact with all of my "friends" but a few very close ones. I think the problem is that I'm in love with someone I can't have. We did something stupid and I worry every day that she regrets it. I don't contact her because I don't want her to think about me or it. I don't even know if she thinks about it or regrets it. I just want her to be happy. I'm not interested in anyone else, I'm content being alone until either she is ready or until I die. It's been about a year since I felt any other way. I won't go to therapy or a psychiatrist, I would just kill myself first. Anyhow, I just thought I'd share.