Once again I'm feeling depressed and down about myself. I basically reduced myself to a piece of crap who doesn't deserve to be living and breathing amongst everyone else. On my way home today, I imagined myself to be a ghost. I was hoping that someone would accidently crash into me so I could leave this world. Funny enough, a car almost swerved into my lane head on. I feel that I've missed out on a lot of stuff in life like learning how to talk to people and do everyday tasks. Instead of listening to my dad or learning from others, it's now biting me back in the ass hard. Even as a kid, I would rather play my video games rather than see what was going on in the rest of the world. Perhaps it's because of my mom who always told me to be quiet? If I was acting out of place, I was told to stop. Maybe I took it too seriously and decided not to do anything at all anymore? What confused me the most was when I'd do stuff around my parents and their friends, I was told to stop or stay quiet. But if it was another kid, they were praised and given lots of attention for being themself. I think this is what messed me up a bit. The point is, my dream is to one day make people laugh without even trying. I want to be able to talk with great rhetorical skill and gain a vast knowlede in a plethora of different areas. To be able to find someone to love and receive love back equally. In real life, I feel I'm as dead as a door knob. Ocassionally, I have my moments of brilliance in some situations, but they are few and far in between. And sadly, I'm still stuck in my own insecure ways from growing up as a teenager. I still prefer to be alone, yet I know it won't get me far. I'm still stubborn and worry more about how people perceive me in their minds instead of staying true to myself. Just today, I felt extremely stupid in one of my college courses because I wasn't "getting it". Here, in my mind, I'm thinking "why am I not going as fast as the other students?". It feels as if my intelligence is either slipping or it's not as great as I thought it would be. Perhaps I've been lying to myself and I'm not exactly as smart as I thought I was? I don't want to be the brainless dolt who people clown on and that's a nightmare to think about. I believe I'm close, very close to being "brainless" right now. I've lost a good chunk of my personality throughout the years due to a lot of changes. I've become very introverted and self-centered too. Now that I think about it, I think these feelings were and are very destructible. They basically ravaged my well-being and I've become part of the "sheeple" who are apathetic and uninformed. I need to be able to break free of these insecurities and maybe rebuild my character? I need to be independant and shake off the feelings that my parents are always hovering around me, watching what I say. Even though my parents speak their minds and couldn't care less about what I say (hell, they praise me whenever I speak anymore), I still feel extremely uncomfortable speaking my mind around them. Actually, I feel extremely uncomfortable speaking my mind about anything because of the fear of being judged. I've been quiet for so long, some of the words that come out of my mouth are probably ridiculous. If I don't bother saying anything at all, then people will percieve me as a snob, but probably not an idiot. And sadly, I do prefer the former at least. Another example of why I find this life perplexing: A guy at work seems to be very dynamic and naturally funny. All I do is spout random crap that gets a few chuckles now and then. This seems to be the only place where I can let my imagination run to the ground and be a true dumbass. However, lol, you can't keep spouting dumb crap forever and this is where my act runs dry. I can't use any facial expressions because my face won't allow it. I can't think of anything deep to say as I don't have enough information to elaborate on a subject. I simply don't have the imagination or social skills to keep a conversation going. And this is where I just want to go home and curl up in a ball. I'm really, really close to just calling this life "quits". I'm just about done trying to figure out why I am the way I am. Just about done typing up long boring posts like this and feeling self-absorbed in my own little world. Done trying to stay quiet and shut up so that others can do the talking for me and get all the attention. I'm just about done wondering if I'm different from other people. Done with being closed off and materialistic. Done with feeling alone and confused about what a woman is. Crap like this should have been taken care of long ago. I should be graduating from college and having parties right now. I feel eons behind and utterly disgraceful to be able to talk about this. And this is why I believe my life was a failure from the get go. I really should just end this life when there's no point in dragging it out.