SRS I feel like shit right now... why can't I just die

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Kamisama, Jun 14, 2005.

  1. Kamisama

    Kamisama Guest

    Well, here's a quick summary of my previous story. In my hometown, I was around so many people I grew up with that anxiety was never a problem. Before my senior year of high school I have to move... and only then do I realize that my anxiety is a HUGE HUGE problem. Senior year is a total mess... I start getting depressed and shit... parents don't take me to the doctor... and yell at me everyday to get a job even though they don't understand my feelings and that it's way to fucking hard for me to leave the house without feeling like im gonna die from suffocation. I live with them throughout the summer until November where I stumble onto an opportunity to live an hour and a half away from my hometown. It's my older brother whose invited me to move in with him, and he says he can get a job for me. He gets me an interview at his workplace, and well, I bomb it cause the anxiety. I haven't been able to leave the house to go apply at other places. So now it's the same thing with my parents over the summer.... except I'm with my very poor brother.

    Well... after like half a year doing nothing and being a financial strain on my brother... I go to the doctor and get some medication. I got some zoloft. 2 months later it hasn't done shit. I'm still the same.

    Now, my brother goes out with his friends and junk a lot, I usually don't see him much anymore. Tonight the toilet upstairs was clogged so I went downstairs and it looks like he had just gotten home. He is stumbling around trying to get to the couch... it's obvious he is very drunk. He is slurring his speech and everything.

    I ask him how he got home. He tells me his friend dropped him off. So I go outside... and the hood of his car is hot. I get his keys and the engine temperature gauge says the engine is warm. So yeah it was obvious he drove home. He finally admits he did. And we get into an argument and he tries to justify driving home, and he was VERY VERY drunk.

    Now... I just wanted to ask this... Is it a regular thing for people to drive when this drunk :ugh2: I know when I'm drunk, I think to myself, "there is no possible way you can drive safely in this state"

    And well, the argument just leads to more things. It eventually leads to him telling me I'm making his life miserable, and that he is suicidal and all this shit.

    So I don't know what to do. Nothing is happening. Moving back with my parents will not only lead to being stuck and having them yell at me everyday, but I'll be far away from my hometown again. I was thinking maybe join the marines or army or something... but I'm so depressed right now I can hardly consider it. I was thinking maybe just go eat the whole bottle of ibuprofen or running a car in the garage with the windows open or just hang myself right now. I feel like shit. Nothing ever works for me..... I have this rainy cloud floating on top of me all the time... Nobody here likes me... and I feel so helpless. What the fuck am I going to do.... I'm going fucking crazy sitting here right now and biting really hard into my arms..... all these problems because anxiety.... I fucking hate people.... they take for granted their health... I get stuck with this fucking mental disorder..... and I'm not good looking I'll probably never have a relationship and die alone.... I don't have anything going.... I'm going to become a homeless bum..... I mean what the fuck.... what would you pick..... being a homeless nobody for the next 50-80 years of your life or death? I'm just scared of something messing up and ending up in a brain damaged or paralyzed state from attempting. That would be worse than where I'm at now..... I wish I had a gun or a car :hs:
  2. Ameter

    Ameter Well-Known Member

    Mar 31, 2005
    Likes Received:
    Calgary, AB
    well, i'll start with a disclaimer... i dont believe that drugs are a requirement to overcome mental disorders like anxiety and such

    a good deal of your depression is caused by your inability to have any control over your life. You are dependent upon others for everything. The first thing to do would be to start contributing back, by doing things such as cleaning the entire house, regularly, cooking meals, etc

    while you're starting to pull your own weight at home, begin to socialize yourself. start small. leave the house for walks in the park where there arent many people around, and most will only say hi to you (if that) see if you can get a dog, the companionship and security that a (large) dog can offer may also help

    as for your brother driving drunk, there's not a whole lot you can do about it. arguing with him while hes drunk wont help. try when he's sober, but it likely wont help either. he'll only want to change when he wants to change. your only real options are to either say nothing, and hope he doesnt kill anyone, or to call the cops on him, which will likely result in him hating you for a long time

    in purely selfish interests, i'd say to say nothing, at least until you can afford your own place. calling the cops on him will virtually guarantee you a boot.

    try some of my suggestions, and, most of all, DO NOT GIVE UP

    the first while will be the hardest, but once you get started, the road will get easier

    BARN-DIVA Guest

    Basically I agree with Novulea's comments.

    However I have been where you are now and received medical help. It took several trys to find the right meds but they did help.

    Once you get yourself together it will be easier to get out and live your life. Then, if you choose, you can quit the meds.

    Try to hold on. My brother commited suicide and I will probably never get over it.
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Oct 8, 2002
    Likes Received:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Fear is a state of hell you put yourself in. RELAX , listen when you go into and let things overwelm you , you see it's about your point of view on things. Hear me out when you goto visit the dentist , it can be scary to go inside that door, but you know you gonna come alive out of that door likewhise. So what it comes down to is that your gonna live thru the situation wether you like it or not, why worry? Even if you fall on your hardest, man i've lost plenty of time in my life, its like a mine field out there, and everyone bumps into things, all you gotta do is stick to your attitude namely this one ' that you have more reason to be afraid of me , then i of you ' and then go and kick every situations ass , you need to pep yourself up and don't be afraid of some little 'action' so to speak , show them who's boss.
  5. Nightshade

    Nightshade New Member

    Jul 25, 2003
    Likes Received:
    Kamisama ...

    I hope you read this!!

    Please Stay Here!!

    Stay on this Plane!!

    Do not do anything stupid that releases you from your current burden. Please!!

    As you have said, the medication is doing nothing ... that is because you are not putting yourself in an environment to really test it, and to let yourself be free!!

    What do you think of your current situation?? (No, what do you really think??) Do you feel proud at what you are putting your family through, and what is happening around you?? are you aware that the only person capable of changing you, is you??

    I hope you notice that!!

    (because at the center of it all, is you, and your way of interpreting the world unfolds from that ...)

    I am sure that in your core, you care about your brother, which is why you got angry at him for driving drunk. And I am sure that your brother cares about you, which is why he took you in.

    But, this is your choice, and your call to do something about this problem, man.

    You can fight it, or give up!!

    Are you the man that you were born to be?? An example to others of how far a soul can be trapped, and then how to release it, or will you release yourself, all because of fear to be who you really can become??

    Seriously, man ... that is a BIG world out there that was designed for you to see ... and there are concepts and ideas, and people to meet that you still need to meet.

    Please let go, mate!! You have a lot to still contribute to society!!

    Just have heart, and believe in yourself enough to get through these troubles!! I believe in you, mate!! And I want to see you succeed in life!!

    You came here for help, and advice, so USE it wisely!! please!!

    also, post back so that I know that you are well, and are safe. Because I am now worried about you, champ, and I want to know that you are O.K.
  6. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

    Feb 6, 2005
    Likes Received:
    Land of Provincialism
    No, no, no....I've been in your state of's very dark...very alone...and just so not worth it. Offing yourself isn't the answer. I don't have any concrete suggestions either. I can relate...big time. I think being so down is a good place to start on getting up. The climb is rough and crazy, and my jury is still out as to whether or not the journey is worth it, but, with a litle help from the good people here at OT who listen (and they do) and provide support (continuously) it has made a big difference.
    Honest. I camethisclose to doing the deed. It's not an answer. One just has to take it one day at a time, and find some small reason (even if it is minute) to stay on the planet. Nobody ever said life was easy or painless and it isn't. But, there are good things out there, stuff to explore and then there is oneself to learn and know what one is all about. Stop selling yourself short...I know you have merit...I can tell by how you write...Soul pain has got to be the worst and I can so relate to you......sometimes, oftentimes, one just feels numb. You just have to take it one day at a time, one hour at a time. Know that people here at OT really do care about you (I know they do...honest), and personally I cannot thank them enough. I do small things everyday...I go to work (and surely you can get a job doing something), I have finally done the dishes and brushed my cats. There is a little something you can do that will give you a sense of satisfaction and worth. Having some sort of mental issue isn't easy either. Go to the ER if you have to. There are people out there who dedicate their lives to helping others and I am sure that there is someone out there for you. You sound alone, I thought so too, but, I opened my eyes and was amazed at all the people in my life. You want to talk, rant, or anything we are here. Hang in there, please. I'll be looking for you...let us know how you're doing. Sending you a special PuppyCat Hug from my private reserve.

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