SRS I felt very suicidal today for the first time in a long time

Paulie Walnuts

Im an agent of chaos
Aug 23, 2003
29,686
Twin Tities, MN
To the point where I had a brief moment of formulating a plan, then about 5 minutes later it went out of my head but the suicidal thoughts have remained. I have a lot in my life I'm blessed for but after 5 out of 6 really shitty days, a really shitty long dreary winter with no sun, constant worry about the future, the inability to turn off my brain. I already take Lithium and Lemectal for bi-polar / depression and its worked well. Adderall to help me stabilize at work and then some benzos to help me sleep due to the inability to turn off my brain.

But I'm so tired of all the bullshit, the worrying and the racing thoughts that I don't know how much more I can take. Maybe it will disappear once summer gets here and I am out and about but right now I'm in a black hole about 80% down, looking up at the top as its getting further and further away and the will to climb and work my way out of it is becoming less and less appealing.

Sad part is no one knows except my psychiatrist but I only see him every three months because I'm afraid to tell them. Not my GF, not my parents or my friends. I guess tomorrow I should call for an emergence session. I'm so afraid of getting locked up in a psych ward. Not really seeking advice I guess I just needed a safe place to let it out.
TY
PW
 

Lazy D.

Well-Known Member
Oct 10, 2000
34,737
Canada
do you not trust your gf/friends ? Have you told anyone before with negative consequences ?
 

bredrsx

New Member
Oct 21, 2004
1,298
I am Bi-Polar II and have GAD and SAD so I definitely know where you are coming from. It's a roller-coaster you can't get off, but if you minimize the drugs you take and try to make the ride smoother then you can almost get rid of the suicidal thoughts.

If I were you I wouldn't take adderall, it can induce (hypo)mania and it does nothing to smooth out your ride in life. Try to take your lithium or lamictal consistantly and if you have racing thoughts keeping you up take seroquel.

Just know that if you take meds to keep you stable (lithium/lamictal) and then uppers (adderall) and THEN downers (benzos) then you have almost NO chance of being stable. And stability is what your goal should be if you don't want to be suicidal.

Always remember that whatever you are feeling is only temporary and you'll be feeling much better any day. Good luck managing this...it has taken me 6 years to finally be 75% normal but I still have racing thoughts and suicidal ideation sometimes but I know how to manage it and I know that it is only temporary so I don't act on it. It's a life long battle but you will still have time in the sun =)

edit: WORK OUT! It releases serotonin and is something good for your body anyway. Also during the day turn on as many lights as you can and open windows. Try taking vitamin D (what you would get from the sun) as well.
 

Stilgar1973

New Member
Aug 12, 2006
8,340
Let me put my vote in for calling for a session tomorrow. Hell, it isn't too late, call for one now.

When I get really depressed, suicidally depressed, it doesn't last more then a day or two. That is how I know I am sick. At the moment it happens it doesn't feel sick. I mean, I am fucked up. Completely and fully fucked up. It feels like my entire life has always been the way it is in that very moment. I can't relate to ever feeling any different then I do at that very second.
If I force myself to think of Christmas morning, or family vacations to Disneyworld or rafting trips or anything it is colored by the way I feel at that moment. And at that moment I feel so horrible that I just want it to end.

But the thing is, I manage to get through it. I manage to get to bed and sleep. The next day I wake up and I think about the previous night.
And I don't understand it. I don't understand what I was going through the previous night at all. It has passed and everything has changed. Just like that.

And for me, the truly fucked up part is that morning afterwards I have a lot of difficulty understanding how I felt the evening before.

That is how I know I am sick. Those morning afterwards. Walking through my apartment and cleaning up whatever mess I had made the night before. It is like cleaning up a strangers mess. I just don't get it. I know that I am sick.

So when I am like that, when I am depressed and all my life feels like crap I force myself to live one day at a time.

Just like those alcoholics. I worry about getting through the moment. I try not to speculate on the next day.
 

Miesha Taint

Well-Known Member
May 6, 2006
46,253
Let me put my vote in for calling for a session tomorrow. Hell, it isn't too late, call for one now.

When I get really depressed, suicidally depressed, it doesn't last more then a day or two. That is how I know I am sick. At the moment it happens it doesn't feel sick. I mean, I am fucked up. Completely and fully fucked up. It feels like my entire life has always been the way it is in that very moment. I can't relate to ever feeling any different then I do at that very second.
If I force myself to think of Christmas morning, or family vacations to Disneyworld or rafting trips or anything it is colored by the way I feel at that moment. And at that moment I feel so horrible that I just want it to end.

But the thing is, I manage to get through it. I manage to get to bed and sleep. The next day I wake up and I think about the previous night.
And I don't understand it. I don't understand what I was going through the previous night at all. It has passed and everything has changed. Just like that.

And for me, the truly fucked up part is that morning afterwards I have a lot of difficulty understanding how I felt the evening before.

That is how I know I am sick. Those morning afterwards. Walking through my apartment and cleaning up whatever mess I had made the night before. It is like cleaning up a strangers mess. I just don't get it. I know that I am sick.

So when I am like that, when I am depressed and all my life feels like crap I force myself to live one day at a time.

Just like those alcoholics. I worry about getting through the moment. I try not to speculate on the next day.

very well put, in a nutshell "it will all pass, everything is going to get better"
 

Coottie

BOOMER......SOONER
OT Supporter
Jun 6, 2006
32,213
OKC
We are as sick as our secrets.

You need to talk to your shrink about this....seriously. Don't wait...set an appointment ASAP.
 

MPogg

New Member
Dec 27, 2010
199
To the point where I had a brief moment of formulating a plan, then about 5 minutes later it went out of my head but the suicidal thoughts have remained. I have a lot in my life I'm blessed for but after 5 out of 6 really shitty days, a really shitty long dreary winter with no sun, constant worry about the future, the inability to turn off my brain. I already take Lithium and Lemectal for bi-polar / depression and its worked well. Adderall to help me stabilize at work and then some benzos to help me sleep due to the inability to turn off my brain.

But I'm so tired of all the bullshit, the worrying and the racing thoughts that I don't know how much more I can take. Maybe it will disappear once summer gets here and I am out and about but right now I'm in a black hole about 80% down, looking up at the top as its getting further and further away and the will to climb and work my way out of it is becoming less and less appealing.

Sad part is no one knows except my psychiatrist but I only see him every three months because I'm afraid to tell them. Not my GF, not my parents or my friends. I guess tomorrow I should call for an emergence session. I'm so afraid of getting locked up in a psych ward. Not really seeking advice I guess I just needed a safe place to let it out.
TY
PW

I do the same thing for the same reasons. Been there twice and don't want to do it again!!

Get off the Adderall it does no good other than couteract the effects of the other drugs. Also ask your doc about Seroquel it has helped me tremendously with my BPII, Obessive-Compulsive thinking and racing thoughts. Just do your research on it to be prepared for the side-effects.

Good Luck :x::wavey:
 

RyRy

Active Member
Jun 22, 2005
18,013
DFW
To the point where I had a brief moment of formulating a plan, then about 5 minutes later it went out of my head but the suicidal thoughts have remained. I have a lot in my life I'm blessed for but after 5 out of 6 really shitty days, a really shitty long dreary winter with no sun, constant worry about the future, the inability to turn off my brain. I already take Lithium and Lemectal for bi-polar / depression and its worked well. Adderall to help me stabilize at work and then some benzos to help me sleep due to the inability to turn off my brain.

But I'm so tired of all the bullshit, the worrying and the racing thoughts that I don't know how much more I can take. Maybe it will disappear once summer gets here and I am out and about but right now I'm in a black hole about 80% down, looking up at the top as its getting further and further away and the will to climb and work my way out of it is becoming less and less appealing.

Sad part is no one knows except my psychiatrist but I only see him every three months because I'm afraid to tell them. Not my GF, not my parents or my friends. I guess tomorrow I should call for an emergence session. I'm so afraid of getting locked up in a psych ward. Not really seeking advice I guess I just needed a safe place to let it out.
TY
PW

I'm glad you at least came here to let it out. I will PM you a great online support group. How has your sleep been lately? If I don't get 10 hours of sleep a night or more my moods cycle more rapidly and I hate it. I have been dx as Bipolar type 1, PTSD, OCD, Panic Disorder, and Agoraphobia. I'm currently on 2 anti-psychotics 10mg 2x daily of Saphris, 200mg at night of Seroquel, 1-2mg of Clonazepam at night for sleep, 10mg of Ambien for sleep, and up to 2mg (3mg in extreme emergencies) of Lorazepam as needed but I try to limit it to 1/2mg a day unless I've been seriously suicidal, highly manic, ultra rapid cycling or highly anxious/paranoid . Luckily I haven't been fully manic in a few months, last mixed episode was last month this month has been depression and depression with psychosis for the first 1/3 or a bit more. I finally had 3 or 4 bearable days this last week but now it's all gone to hell in a handbasket.
 

RyRy

Active Member
Jun 22, 2005
18,013
DFW
do you not trust your gf/friends ? Have you told anyone before with negative consequences ?

From my personal experiences the less people that know I'm Bipolar the better. Especially with my family because my Great Uncle was Bipolar and was also a pedophile so they automatically try to link them both together as the same.


We are as sick as our secrets.

You need to talk to your shrink about this....seriously. Don't wait...set an appointment ASAP.

:werd:
 

RyRy

Active Member
Jun 22, 2005
18,013
DFW
To the point where I had a brief moment of formulating a plan, then about 5 minutes later it went out of my head but the suicidal thoughts have remained. I have a lot in my life I'm blessed for but after 5 out of 6 really shitty days, a really shitty long dreary winter with no sun, constant worry about the future, the inability to turn off my brain. I already take Lithium and Lemectal for bi-polar / depression and its worked well. Adderall to help me stabilize at work and then some benzos to help me sleep due to the inability to turn off my brain.

But I'm so tired of all the bullshit, the worrying and the racing thoughts that I don't know how much more I can take. Maybe it will disappear once summer gets here and I am out and about but right now I'm in a black hole about 80% down, looking up at the top as its getting further and further away and the will to climb and work my way out of it is becoming less and less appealing.

Sad part is no one knows except my psychiatrist but I only see him every three months because I'm afraid to tell them. Not my GF, not my parents or my friends. I guess tomorrow I should call for an emergence session. I'm so afraid of getting locked up in a psych ward. Not really seeking advice I guess I just needed a safe place to let it out.
TY
PW

Start visiting this place: http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bipolar-Disorder/support-group It was the support group I said I was going to PM you but I can't get PM to work tonight.
 

MPogg

New Member
Dec 27, 2010
199
From my personal experiences the less people that know I'm Bipolar the better. Especially with my family because my Great Uncle was Bipolar and was also a pedophile so they automatically try to link them both together as the same.




:werd:

Yikes...that is so unfair to you. I wish you had more family support. Also try WebMD.com they also have a pretty good BP community and a very reputable Pscyhiatrist who works at Mt. Sinai's Psych unit in NY. He will answer any questions you have and he gives great advice.:x:
 

RyRy

Active Member
Jun 22, 2005
18,013
DFW
Yikes...that is so unfair to you. I wish you had more family support. Also try WebMD.com they also have a pretty good BP community and a very reputable Pscyhiatrist who works at Mt. Sinai's Psych unit in NY. He will answer any questions you have and he gives great advice.:x:

I am on DailyStrength just about every day and when I can't find something on their I want to know I use CrazyMeds, bipolar.about.com, etc. I found my first and second psychiatrists thru WebMD, needless to say when it came time to fire the second one, I went to Google :o The first one ignored me most of the time, I told him about suicidal thoughts, Bipolar all over the family, etc. he flat out told me there was no way I was Bipolar. (Yet at that time I was having 0 income yet spending thousands of dollars a month from my Dad, credit cards, life insurance money I got from my Mom's death, moving and changing schools every 3-4 months, trading cars like they were candy bars...). The second one finally listened to me once I had my Aunt come with me and we were okay for a year or so but then he changed and I couldn't stand going to him anymore. Now I go to my lady pdoc and she is helping me so much. She even got me to admit to being raped and molested as a child, something no other pdoc or tdoc has been able to get out of me. Well one tdoc did but then I quit going to her after I admitted it.
 
TS
TS
Paulie Walnuts

Paulie Walnuts

Im an agent of chaos
Aug 23, 2003
29,686
Twin Tities, MN
Thanks for the link I will check it out. Right now they have subsided and I decided to go back on my abilify and cut out the adderall for a few days and see how that works with the racing thoughts. Thats the biggest thing right now, well that plus always feeling like I have to be stimulated.
 
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TS
Paulie Walnuts

Paulie Walnuts

Im an agent of chaos
Aug 23, 2003
29,686
Twin Tities, MN
I do the same thing for the same reasons. Been there twice and don't want to do it again!!

Get off the Adderall it does no good other than couteract the effects of the other drugs. Also ask your doc about Seroquel it has helped me tremendously with my BPII, Obessive-Compulsive thinking and racing thoughts. Just do your research on it to be prepared for the side-effects.

Good Luck :x::wavey:
The problem with seroquel is if I take more than 50 mg a day it gives me horrible restless leg syndrome and body herkey jerky motions at night that the only thing that stops it is 2-3mg of benzos.

I take the benzos, 4mg clonazapam(sp?) and 50 mg seroquil at night to sleep. I do not think I will ever get off those.
 

frozensparrow

New Member
Feb 22, 2011
4,355
The problem with seroquel is if I take more than 50 mg a day it gives me horrible restless leg syndrome and body herkey jerky motions at night that the only thing that stops it is 2-3mg of benzos.

I take the benzos, 4mg clonazapam(sp?) and 50 mg seroquil at night to sleep. I do not think I will ever get off those.
The jerky motions are called Tardive dyskinesia and it happens with a lot of SSRI's.
 

Carl Brutananadilewski

Active Member
May 16, 2002
8,727
WHOREicon
Feels bad, man :sadwavey:

While I don't get on AIM much anymore, you can PM me if you feel up to it. I check OT pretty regularly. Talking to ya really helped me out in a rough patch I had a couple years ago, least I can do is return the favor (I changed my name on here, used to be Super High Output 195).

:hugot:
 

MPogg

New Member
Dec 27, 2010
199
The problem with seroquel is if I take more than 50 mg a day it gives me horrible restless leg syndrome and body herkey jerky motions at night that the only thing that stops it is 2-3mg of benzos.

I take the benzos, 4mg clonazapam(sp?) and 50 mg seroquil at night to sleep. I do not think I will ever get off those.

I feel you...I can't take more than 50mg of Seroquel either because the restless leg syndrome keeps me awake all night. I was on 300mg nightly and I kept cutting them up until I realized that 50mg is all I can stand.

My doc wanted to give me something to take to counteract the RLS that the Seroquel caused, but I told him fuck that. Taking 6 pills aday is enough.

I have no illiusions either about ever getting off of them. When I do I am right back to where I started within 3 months.

I know how you feel though. I had my stomach pumped about 1 1/2 ago after overdosing on xanax. It sucks to have to live like this. I am so fucked up that I've been on permanant disability since 2008. Between the BPII, Agoraphobia, OC thinking, anxiety disorder plus all the meds I can't function like a normal person.

If you need to talk PM me..I am here dude!! :hug:
 
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TS
Paulie Walnuts

Paulie Walnuts

Im an agent of chaos
Aug 23, 2003
29,686
Twin Tities, MN
Feels bad, man :sadwavey:

While I don't get on AIM much anymore, you can PM me if you feel up to it. I check OT pretty regularly. Talking to ya really helped me out in a rough patch I had a couple years ago, least I can do is return the favor (I changed my name on here, used to be Super High Output 195).

:hugot:
Oh sure I remember you as well! Glad I could help. I dont get on AIM much anymore either, not much time.
 
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TS
Paulie Walnuts

Paulie Walnuts

Im an agent of chaos
Aug 23, 2003
29,686
Twin Tities, MN
I feel you...I can't take more than 50mg of Seroquel either because the restless leg syndrome keeps me awake all night. I was on 300mg nightly and I kept cutting them up until I realized that 50mg is all I can stand.

My doc wanted to give me something to take to counteract the RLS that the Seroquel caused, but I told him fuck that. Taking 6 pills aday is enough.

I have no illiusions either about ever getting off of them. When I do I am right back to where I started within 3 months.

I know how you feel though. I had my stomach pumped about 1 1/2 ago after overdosing on xanax. It sucks to have to live like this. I am so fucked up that I've been on permanant disability since 2008. Between the BPII, Agoraphobia, OC thinking, anxiety disorder plus all the meds I can't function like a normal person.

If you need to talk PM me..I am here dude!! :hug:
Yeah living life like we do isnt fun. Its like God why didnt you make me normal!
 

hackura

New Member
Apr 2, 2011
990
PHX
You are doing a good thing expressing yourself, regardless of the audience. It's good you are talking about it. While I don't want to categorize you in the general realm of people, plenty of people have had suicidal ideations, you are not alone. I don't know you personally nor can truly understand what you are going through, but I am here as support for you, and to anyone who is ever in need.
 

CyberEye

Oh god, the voices
Jul 18, 2001
50,750
London, Ontario Canada
and up to 2mg (3mg in extreme emergencies) of Lorazepam. .

A few years ago I had a pretty bad day and threw back like 6mg of lorazapam. Then went and laid down, came back out like an hour later because I had to use the bathroom and took probably another 6mg. This happened 3 or 4 times until I had taken the twenty to twenty five 1mg pills I had left.

I went back to bed honestly hoping to not wake up, only to be woken up by my gf maybe 45 minutes later because we were supposed to go out. Somehow, I not only got up, but functioned fairly normally the rest of the afternoon/night.
 

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