Sorry no cliffs, if you don’t want to read this, I completely understand. This has been in the back of my head for almost a year now, but I honestly never thought this would happen. Regarding life itself, I did not start off too bad, I personally think that I still had the most adventurous and entertaining childhood one can have. You know there is an old saying, “If you smile too much as a kid, there is a chance that you will end up using all your charges early on in life”. It has been very true for me so far. Shit started going downhill when my parents moved to Long Island. Not only did I lose all my friends, all the girls who chased me, all the people who were ready to do anything for me, but I also lost my identity and what made me who I was. Along with all of that, I also lost life itself. I lost belief in myself and I completely lost my pride. You know I had a very dysfunctional and hard childhood. My parents were very poor and they struggled just to bring food to the table. My dad was a good guy, he was a man with morals and pride, but at the same time, he was a big mouth who constantly put me down throughout my childhood. But since I had so many friends, and since my mom was so supportive of me, I never let that bother me one bit. I always came in first in my class and always got awards every class that I ever took. My dad would call me ugly, stupid, good for nothing, not as well as my brother who is now a vegetable. But I never gave a fuck. I never thought that one day all of that would come to haunt me so bitterly. I always considered myself to be the smartest kid who could get anything, if he put work into it. And usually I always got everything. I even remember getting a bicycle by working for this guy for three months straight as a kid. Life is not just something you can manufacture on a piece of paper or in a movie somewhere, life is not what people consider life to be, life is something that you enjoy living and breathing every single second. The moment you start pretending to be someone else, the moment you have to think about how you are going to go about your day and how you are going to try and have a life, is the moment when you start getting closer to the end of your life. For the past few months I have been popping one to two sleeping pills regularly just to fall asleep. I even work out for 2 hrs late in the night just so I am tired enough. I have filled up every minute of my daily life with online classes, cleaning up my room, cleaning up the kitchen, posting on OT and watching movies which have happy endings. I try to download as many comedies as I can on a daily basis. I even signed up for Netflix just so I can watch every single tv show. But in the end, I feel empty, I feel like I am not a human anymore. I can literally hear air passing through my nostrils, I can feel my upper jaw putting pressure on my lower jaw, I can feel my eyes getting heavier and tired from lifting up those fucking heavy ass contacts, and I can feel my hair thinning out on my scalp. I can even feel hair growing all over my hairless body, which I used to admire. But the worst of all is that other side of me, in the back of my head, which tells me that no matter how much I try, I am a fucking failure, and I will eventually end up in a 6 ft ditch with nothing accomplished. My dad would be shoveling sand into that ditch saying the same exact thing he always said “I knew you were no good for nothing. I told you long ago that you will die being worthless and stupid, and here you are, completely and utterly worthless. What a shame. I wish your brother was not half dead, he would at least make me proud”. I spent a lot of time playing video games in high school because this new neighborhood was very different from my old one. I played Final Fantasy 11 everyday from 4 p.m till midnight. I used to live in Jamaica Queens which is literally a shithole, only to move to one of the better neighborhoods in Long Island. But fuck even in game I could not accomplish much. I was never able to be as hardcore as the other players. But still I got to accomplish things which others could not, and it made me happy. Most of the kids in the school were very rich, snobby and racist. It was a school with 50% Jewish students, a lot of whom had parents recently move in. I personally was very quiet, but getting bullied on the bus everyday and then having people pick fights with me every now and then didn’t help either. I always tried to be nice, but since I did not know how to interact with these new people, I never tried to. I just stayed quiet and smiled. But that didn’t help, especially when you have all these fat fucking assholes eating all these cheeseburgers and picking on you, because you are not a fat fucking bully asshole like them. That’s when my hatred for fat people originated from. I am sorry but I am just being honest, I do not judge people anymore, but back then I did. This led the counselors to send me to a social worker who had meetings with me every now and then. They thought I was very quiet and sad and I was going to waste my time killing these fat people who are eventually going to die from diabetes anyways. He finally came to a conclusion that all those meetings were useless, because I was never fucked in my head, it were the people who made me this way. But hey guess what, I was all about changes. I wanted to change so I signed up to play soccer for the school. I was so good that usually I’d get a goal or two every game, but that only put fuel onto the bullying fire I received afterwards. What sucked even more was that I had no friends anymore who would fight for me, so basically I would just end up getting tackled by some fat gangster kid who kept throwing paper balls at me, and when I threw it back, him and his friends wanted a piece of me. I would get pushed around all the time in soccer. Even in the locker room. That was when I started considering high school to be a waste of time. I had a girl or two approach me, I talked to them, but I knew that they’d be way too high of maintenance if I tried to get with them. They had elevators in their houses. Eventually I would eat my lunch downstairs at the gym and talk with the janitor or something while I was at it. I would wear big baggy clothes which represented the same thing I was fighting against, but at least it covered me up well enough for me to not care what was going around me, or what people thought of me. Fast forward to college. I made good friends during freshman year because I was usually a lot of fun to be around. But slowly I started realizing that people would act strange around me, they would either pretend they didn’t know me in front of others, or they would just downright say some shit which would piss me off. But since It took me so long to make friends, I would just keep drinking till my sense of self respect would eventually disappear. If I ever did stand up for myself, everyone would call my an asshole and stop talking to me. Two years forward I only have things getting worse. I do have good grades and I have a bright future in pre medicine, but I still don’t have any such thing as a life. I am still a fucking virgin, I wear retainers which give me a slight lisp, the only two friends I have in this world are my two suite mates, one of whom is moving out. Now I am not a fag or anything but I will deeply miss him, and it has been bothering me every day. He is the only person I talk to period, besides teacher. If he goes away for 10 days, it just means I will go for 10 days without talking to anyone. I almost forget how to respond or socialize sometimes. It feels so awkward. It almost feels like the walls of my room are closing in. I don’t see myself making any friends in the future. Everyone fucking hates me. The only person in this world who loves me is my mom, the rest think of me as a liability. I can no longer play soccer, or go outside on a bike run with my friends, or go hang out at someone’s place. The only thing that makes me alive is working out and lifting weights, but even that is getting harder. Since I get drunk so often now, I often pick fights with random people just to make them beat the fuck out of me, hoping that I’d somehow end up dead. Just during the past three weeks I got into three fights, where I provoked some guy much bigger than me into fighting me, and then I kept getting up and did not hit him back at all. I made sure I was getting beat till I was knocked out. Unfortunately none of those bastards could manage to kill me. I come back home with injuries which take weeks to recover. I am a complete fucking loser. I am not good at anything anymore. Hell fuck, even after studying all day and taking summer classes, I still lose points because of tiny mistakes here and there, only to end up with grades that are no better than people who are doing all these things, accomplishing all this shit, getting all this sweet pussy, driving all these cars. Here I am lying in my bed trying to sleep, and I don’t have a reason not to chug on the whole bottle of sleeping pills. I am the loneliest person on the planet who has nothing to show for himself. I keep trying and trying but nothing ever changes, my fate is stuck to me like fucking glue, I can’t change it at all. If I try to change, there is always something uncontrollable that pushes me back to my state of complete patheticness.