when i was a kid, my parents never let me express my emotions. if i was happy i was told to calm down. if i was angry, same thing. during the summer i was locked out of my house and only let in for lunch. straight A's in school, gifted and talented program till graduation. i gave up on school in 7th grade. failed 2 classes in 10th on purpose. went to summer school to make up the classes. senior year failed on purpose again. enrolled in a 5th year for one class a day. parents never said a word to me about it. finished school and joined the military to get the fuck away from my history and the drugs my friends were in to. dealt with slutty girlfriends for a while. my truck broke down, grandmother died, best friend died all within a year. i didn't make it to the funerals. still have issues with that. got my heart broken, met a new girl and married in 6 months. pregnant in 2 weeks after getting married, seperated for 3 months during pregnancy, kid was born the day we got back together. military sent me overseas alone for a year when my kid was 6 months old. 3 weeks before getting home, my wife tells me she wants a divorce. i get home, pack all of our shit in a u-haul, and drive us cross country. got seperate places to live, and started living like i was divorced. met a girl, fell in love. took me a year to get divorced. got custody of my son, and moved in with my girlfriend. ex-wife constantly trying to mind fuck me into guilt etc. gf starts with marriage talk. i'm not ready and can't explain it to her. our relationship was either amazing or horrible. no in between. 2 years being together the fights are too much for me. one morning we get into an argument and i tell her i can't do this anymore. she flips out. calls the police and says i'm beating her etc. i get arrested friday night. i get a restraining order that tells me i can't go near her. wednesday i find out she's killed herself. ex-wife finds out, files for emergency temp custody of our kid and gets it. 96 days later i go to court and get custody back. meanwhile i move to another house. the old landlord is sticking to his legal guns and demanding i pay the rest of the lease off... ~$4k. the military is making me go through a batterer's intervention program. once a week for 6 months. my dad tells me to stfu and get over it. my mom is a raging alcoholic that thinks answers are found at the bottom of a bottle. i have a really hard time sleeping and always have a headache. i'm in counseling but i don't feel like i'm gaining anything from it. i was on anti-depressants but i can't handle them. someone please give me some advice other than "stay strong" or "keep your head up" or "it could be worse"... sorry for the scattered thoughts. i'll edit or add a post if anyone cares.