SRS I honestly don't like myself

KGB ate my bread

EVERYTHING IS FINE
OT Supporter
Mar 15, 2005
113,104
Louisiana
:hsd:

Personality wise, I definitely find I have character flaws that I can't over come. I always seem to find myself stuck in the past and stubborn to change.

I honestly don't know why I'm posting this here because I'm not looking for answers or help. I feel that this is something I've been trying to figure out my whole life and that it's something I eventually will undertand better.

I guess in the mean time, I just can't help but find myself pissed off, angry, and at upset at who I am, and that I allow myself to continue on much like I do :hs: :(

I'm entirely too apathetic to my situation and it bothers me to no end. I've got plenty of reasons to be happy and content with my life: great family, good friends, recently graduated college, don't have things as bad as others do; I try to live pretty self-less even though I can be quite selfish at times. I sometimes wonder if I'm bi-polar since I feel like I've been dealing with depression issues for the entirety of my life.

It's almost like I want to be miserable at times and make the world of those around me miserable as well. I don't know why, I just do. I guess that would definitely be me being selfish.

Anyways, I just wanted to rant to some strangers. I probably should consider a shrink or something, but I feel that I'd probably find myself too defensive and not erally heeding their advice :hsd:
 

prototism

Besides the fact that every human has character flaws, you and I are a lot alike. Apathy. Appreciation. Stubborness. Selflessness.

The only way we are not a like is your desire for the rest of the world to be miserable too. Generally speaking, I put others' happiness before my own.
 

METALLlC BLUE

New Member
Jun 22, 2007
11,290
:hsd:

Personality wise, I definitely find I have character flaws that I can't over come. I always seem to find myself stuck in the past and stubborn to change.

Don't say you can't. (This is the only time I'll give advice) It has been my observation that personality "can" be changed to various degrees, but it's also true that we're all flawed (by people's judgments) in various ways. A flaw in one environment can be a strength in another.

I honestly don't know why I'm posting this here because I'm not looking for answers or help. I feel that this is something I've been trying to figure out my whole life and that it's something I eventually will undertand better.

I understand you're not looking for help, so I'll try hard to avoid advice or anything of the sort. I think -- if you're like most human beings, which I suspect you are, you do have at least around 46 chromosomes, give or take 1, yes? Then you've already joined the club.

I guess in the mean time, I just can't help but find myself pissed off, angry, and at upset at who I am, and that I allow myself to continue on much like I do :hs: :(

You don't think that when it comes down to the bottomline, that you're not trying to do the best you can? I mean, me for example, I know that I lack qualities that others consider horrible, and instead in same areas I'm like a saint (For example I'm very giving of my time to people in need for answers, knowledge, faith, fixing thing mechanically, psychologically, and a whole host of areas) while on the other hand other people sometimes have the character trait of "not giving those types of things" but instead they give money, or they give material objects, or they serve the public in some form, whether officially or in a soup kitchen.

Or, they aren't giving at all, but instead have a strength in an entirely different department. Perhaps they are extremely gifted as a writer, or musician, but they're horrible at expressing their feelings to their partner in relationships -- they can express it in creative ways, but not practical ways!

Some people can be angry most of the time, or even abusive, but are persistent in trying to improve, understand and overcome that quality! See how the character of that person has both flaws and positives?

I'm entirely too apathetic to my situation and it bothers me to no end. I've got plenty of reasons to be happy and content with my life: great family, good friends, recently graduated college, don't have things as bad as others do; I try to live pretty self-less even though I can be quite selfish at times. I sometimes wonder if I'm bi-polar since I feel like I've been dealing with depression issues for the entirety of my life.

That may be possible, and it's also possible you have the character qualities of being pessimistic -- perhaps it's a learned issue, or perhaps it's biological. I don't think our lives externally always reflect our internal lives. Accomplishments and fame don't necessarily bring happiness.

It's almost like I want to be miserable at times and make the world of those around me miserable as well. I don't know why, I just do. I guess that would definitely be me being selfish.

There is likely a reason that makes sense, we just don't know it yet. I don't think, based on what you're telling me, that it's inherent and unchangeable, but I do think that you don't necessarily have all the information or tools to make that change at this time. Maybe you need someone elses help, or maybe you need to continue to be like this. I don't know, but these are some ideas.

Anyways, I just wanted to rant to some strangers. I probably should consider a shrink or something, but I feel that I'd probably find myself too defensive and not erally heeding their advice :hsd:

See? You're probably not ready, you probably need to sit with this pattern for awhile. Success is usually preceded by a failure to meet the goals we hoped, but if you keep trying (trying doesn't necessarily mean you keep smashing your head against a wall to change this, but rather you know inside that you're heading in a direction to try to move away from this pattern). Since you made this thread, it's clear you're aware there is something you do not like, and something you are still working on.

So was that advice, or just information I gave you? I think it was information rather than attempt to "fix" anything.
 

eWRXshun

hai
Sep 22, 2003
16,610
LSU
if you smoke a lot, cut back.

i find i'm truly happier with myself as a person when not :420:

over time, it's brought on paranoia, anxiety and mild panic attacks if i'm not in a good state of mind, if there's only mild stuff bothering me beforehand.

give it a try, can't hurt.
 

Spiritus

Well-Known Member
Oct 15, 2002
19,323
People try to strengthen the personality, give it life, take away it's defects.

To what avail? We have doctors who study life and how to keep things alive, only to become doctors of death, mere suicide assistants prescribing lethal doses of barbiturates, with over 800 kill stamps.

They make such strong arguments about the right to a dignified death, and how they will end up at death's door anyways.

Meanwhile if we do not get caught up in all the emotional sophisms presented by those suffering people, we can get close enough to see them for what they are. Cowards. It comes of strong to say that, however behind the argument that they do not want to cause their family suffering, we know that it is they who wishes to avoid suffering.

Similar to these doctors, we have failed ourselves.

Instead of learning how to nourish our Being, our Innermost, that which is beyond the birth certificate, beyond man made language and sounds...

... we instead choose what we like and what we do not like about ourselves ... which will most certainly go in perfect disharmony with everyone else who is not orchestrating themselves.

Indeed humanity is grinding against each other and tension everywhere. Infinite pressures can make you want to add and subtract values, when in reality what you really want is a sum value of 0, no more ego, no more cause more suffering.

No more "you". No more "me". When there is a complete lack of the sinning "I", then there is only the Innermost Being, a being quite capable, capable of suffering, yes, but suffering consciously, and no longer a subject to violence and suffering like a leaf in the wind.
 

BwanaKuu

New Member
Aug 17, 2008
398
People try to strengthen the personality, give it life, take away it's defects.

To what avail? We have doctors who study life and how to keep things alive, only to become doctors of death, mere suicide assistants prescribing lethal doses of barbiturates, with over 800 kill stamps.

They make such strong arguments about the right to a dignified death, and how they will end up at death's door anyways.

Meanwhile if we do not get caught up in all the emotional sophisms presented by those suffering people, we can get close enough to see them for what they are. Cowards. It comes of strong to say that, however behind the argument that they do not want to cause their family suffering, we know that it is they who wishes to avoid suffering.

Similar to these doctors, we have failed ourselves.

Instead of learning how to nourish our Being, our Innermost, that which is beyond the birth certificate, beyond man made language and sounds...

... we instead choose what we like and what we do not like about ourselves ... which will most certainly go in perfect disharmony with everyone else who is not orchestrating themselves.

Indeed humanity is grinding against each other and tension everywhere. Infinite pressures can make you want to add and subtract values, when in reality what you really want is a sum value of 0, no more ego, no more cause more suffering.

No more "you". No more "me". When there is a complete lack of the sinning "I", then there is only the Innermost Being, a being quite capable, capable of suffering, yes, but suffering consciously, and no longer a subject to violence and suffering like a leaf in the wind.

Uhm, I'm pretty sure Doctors have saved billions of lives over the years. I hate when people think all doctors or the pharmaceutical companies are out to get them. It makes no sense to me.

EDIT: I kind of understand what you are saying about the Innermost Being, but honestly, that is not realistic. I have a feeling that there is "something" that is unique to each person, something that can't be described with words, it can only be experienced. But this thing is subject to suffering and pain but it is also subject to great happiness and joy.
 

Spiritus

Well-Known Member
Oct 15, 2002
19,323
Healers have healed many people over the years. This isn't to be sarcastic, this is common ground in what we believe.

And by rights, not all pharm. companies are out to get people. But let's face the music, it's insane out there and getting worse.

Now, to address your edit, it is realistic, because you're Being is always communicating with you, my Being is always whispering to me, it's just we are never listening. I'm trying harder to listen and it's working for me, pills are old.
 

illectronic

I'm Coming Home
OT Supporter
Jan 19, 2005
16,952
Brooklyn
I'm in the same boat. Bi-polar is a motherfucker. Don't let it control you. Seek the help you need (I go to meetings, doctors, and therapists every week). My main flaw is worrying what others think of me. It makes me really anxious and depressed to the point where I can't even get a girls number. I'm positive that this is what you mean by "I hate my character flaws". The constant worry that you're not good enough and maybe even that you'd be better of dead. This is just the disease talking. The best advice I have ever got to fix this is to stop thinking about yourself. This is what is said to addicts like me. If you stop thinking about yourself, and HELP others you will feel better about yourself. Also I found that when I'm not productive I become depressed. Get active. Go to the gym (one thing I should do). DO yoga. Meditate. Volunteer.

I think this should give you some ideas. I should probably make a thread about this.
 

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