i'm sitting here at 8am, on what i think is a wednesday but i'm not quite sure because i just don't give a shit. i haven't had a job in 5 months, i basically just sit around all day doing fuck all, chain smoking and doing dick on the internet. i just realised that i've been sitting here for 3 hours since it was dark out watching top gear videos on youtube of cars which i will never be able to afford, apart from that one where clarkson road tested a volvo he bought for one pound. i haven't had a shower since monday morning and to be honest i just don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. i have no drive to do anything. yeah, go get a job, go work out, go make something to eat, go take a shit, whatever. all of it seems unimportant and yet i'm bored all the time. i mean yeah a couple times a week i go hang out with friends but that's about it. if it isn't that i'm sitting on the internet being stupid posting on forums, listening to music and reading about cars or watching videos about cars or pretty much anything to do with cars. it's shit and i just don't know how to get out of it. everything just seems so pointless. ok so, i get a job, i get a car, i get a place. then what? i jerk off? i jerk off now and that's free and takes less effort. future security? i smoke a pack and a half a day so i'll probably get cancer by the time i'm 30 and that won't matter anymore either. maybe i'm anhedonic, or maybe i've actually realised that life is pointless and that nothing i ever do in this world will matter worth a fuck, so i guess i'll just sit here have another smoke and think about having a shower for longer than it will actually take me to have a shower. monologue over.