...I just read this and realize it's extremely long. I'm sorry. I tried to edit out details that weren't needed, but this is as much as I could do without sacrificing anything crucial. Thank you for your patience, and hopefully advice. I'm going to try this out...I don't really like posting about shit like this often but I guess when you feel like no one can tell you anything right around you, you try to go to people that are on the internet that will be willing to listen...so I thank you for reading this since I know it's not gonna be quick. Summer of 06. I guess this was when I realized a lot of things about myself through a girl I met. I started dating the girl this post is about...and on our first date I have to say I felt like I was 14 again and I had never kissed a girl before. Everything seemed fresh and dating her made dating exciting again. I was so sick of just random cute girls with nothing to say. This girl understood me well, and was into me just as much as I was into her. We dated for 2 months and I couldn't describe a relationship any better...she was just that girl that you always dreamed of in every aspect down to the little shit. My friends who usually have a hardass attitude about the women I see were totally accepting, and even let me know one-by-one they had never seen me as happy as I was (and I was never really depressed before this), and that I had finally found a girl that suited me well. Being kind of a different dude from a lot of the people in the area I live in, this was saying a lot since every girl I dated tried but couldn't really get into what I really was about as a person. Since she lived an hour away from me, we spent hours on the phone every weeknight, and weekends together in my area, not leaving each other for a minute until sunday morning came around and she had to head into work. Anyways...this all came to a sad sad end at some point as they all do I guess. But, I would have never guessed, how this one was going to end. She told me when I was on vacation with my guy friends, about 16 hours away in Minnesota that she was "very sick" and "might not be able to see me much." This was really odd and out of nowhere, so I asked her more and more about it on AIM and she told me she had gotten home from the doctor and she was at a great risk of health. That night though, she didn't resist our nightly long phone call and we were back on "good" terms as a couple like nothing happened. The next day she admitted things to me...she was a bulemic. After that, shit changed as you can imagine. I made a decision with myself that she was the best friend and lover to me I've ever met throughout my life, and if she was for real about all the long-term implications and shit we had...that I should man up and try to help her out as best as I could. I offered her advice and shit over the next few months...and she tried to break me off one night. I'll never forget it, she explained to me everything and it was so hard on her that hearing her try to force it all out made me even cry a little. Embarassing to admit online, whatever, but fuck it...I'm being real. She told me her story...how it all started, how it affected her, and how it caused her long-term relationship with a guy who was also bulemic to end (they went long distance for 8 months and she felt dating him was progressing her into worse health). I guess aside from her ex-bf and parents, I am the only other person to know about this according to her. She told me she usually breaks it off with a guy when she feels she's getting close to them...but she was in far too deep with me and felt I needed to know. We then broke up officially, that night. I asked her if she really honestly cared as much as she portrayed to me over the last few months, and now that everything else was on the table, I would have no problem hearing the truth about us. She told me she did care about me a lot, but when I asked if she could promise me when she went to get better if it would be a possibility when things were clearing up to remember the times we had and how they could be there for her again, she told me she couldn't make any promises because this situation was something that she was fearing so much she couldn't have any vices in her life. We officially broke up that night because she told me she couldn't possibly date me, or anyone. She told me her parents were coming down on her hard over it and she might even have to go away for a period of time without seeing anyone. I understood, and I told her I loved her for the first time ever, and I'd be there for her whenever she wanted someone. After what was probably one of the most difficult conversations I've had with someone, I went to sleep and that was that. Still, she kept me in her life. She couldn't resist calling me at night, and shit like that. Until about 3 weeks later...in late August. I guess it clicked she had to cut me off. She acted like a total bitch for the first time ever, and I knew it was out of character. She wouldn't talk much but sent me a real fucked up text message about "how i should get out while I can because she's a messed up person beyond what I can understand." I remember driving back from being out of town, and telling my friend as much as it bothered me that we had a little fight I knew it was out of character and she'd be back...she probably just had something bad happen. I wasn't stupid, I knew she was saying she was trying to finally call it off...but I was hoping these were the rough times I'd have to endure to get things right. 3 days later I was driving the same friend home when I got a text message. It was one of those times you knew who it would be before you even looked. IT was her, and she was in my town helping a friend out that lived here move in for school. We met up...she apologized (she was a bit drunk) a few times, and was all over me when I was driving. We ended up hooking up in a parking lot - I couldn't keep her off me. I was stupid and felt like things were going to be ok somehow, and I guess that furthered it. We would talk less from there on out. She told me on AIM that "didnt mean we were back together" among a normal conversation...and shit was just awkward from there on out for some reason on her end. She had distanced herself. When she got back to school (in my city here) she had completely cut me off, but was up and down about it the whole way...one day sending me cute picture messages and another being quiet. I ended up biting the bullet and hoping she'd come back, but I left her on her own just to find out she was hanging out with a guy back home. That lasted 2 weeks. Then she went on a depression "alone" time thing from what I was told - I don't have any mutual friends but her myspace profile was a pretty depressing looking situation. I started to move on at this point, realizing there's some things in life you've just gotta learn from. I started really going hard in my music and live performances...I didn't want to spend weekends with her on my mind so I made sure I was booked every weekend. Well, one weekend I was going to play a show...at her school. Sure enough, running late in typical hiphop star fashion, I get a text message while I'm driving like a retard with my MC in the car. You guessed it. She was there in the front with her friend, and afterwards we talked. I was nice because I didn't want her friend to feel awkward, and I told her I was glad to see her. She said "we should chill sometime" and was overly nice. I told her "I'd call her tonight" which may not have been the best answer but I didn't know what to even say...I was nearly dizzy since I hadn't talked to her in a month and a half and now she's right there in front of me. I called her the next day...she was nice but claimed to be busy. She then started IMing me and she was trying really hard to be nice/funny and like she used to be. Tried calling again 5 days later, and she said she'd hit me back. Never did and I understood I guess. She then left me a pillage of IMs saying she's sorry, and all this shit but she couldn't bring herself to come back to spending time with me...she said I was a "cool guy and I hold no grudges" and some other shit but she didn't want to involve herself with me more then friends or something. I knew this wasn't her speaking...it was so out of her context and shit it sounded like someone else talking. I just said whatever and stopped IMing her. Took her off my myspace to make a statement we're "done" with things....stupid I know but she works like that so I had to make a motion. She IMed me after no talking, another month and some in...this time I would say December...she told me she was moving to Philly and "getting out of this shithole." At this point I was so cold I was just like yeah, cool....whatever. It somehow came to the point where I was like 'i don't want to talk to her, it hurts too much for me' and she gave me some odd explanation when I asked why she kept talking to me but didn't tell me shit about her intentions with me. She told me she "dated me for an escape" or some shit and she wasn't being "herself." I don't really remember, but I was like I have had enough of her trying to talk to me every few weeks even though I completely left her alone...I'm gonna block her on AIM. So I did and that was it. I told her as much as wierd as it sounds, I still loved her, and I can't go on dealing with her coming back like this because it made it too hard for me to live at least somewhat happily. It's been almost 2 months...and you guessed it. With no AIM, no myspace, etc...she decides to take the last avenue she's got, which I am surprised she even remembers....e-mailing me. But, I'd have to say...this is the first time she's spoken any fucking sense and that's truth. I haven't heard her speak any sense in months. Here's the email I got yesterday: I read this and I didn't know what to say or think. I want you to know as the reader that I consider myself a very strong person emotionally, and I know based on how the people around me, I have changed a lot over the course of the last 8 months because of this situation. I feel like this is the situation that really made me grow up...and I also want you to know there were only a few times where I would go a few days without thinking about her..and then she would come right back into my life as you see. I miss her every day. I will not lie. She's one of a few women in my life but I know we had something very special, and she's the only one I've ever loved and the only one I've told I loved...and I think based on how I handled everything it shows. Well, here's the rest of the conversation: She hasn't written back since that, which was last night at 2-3am. I'm sure she read it. As much as I still love her and I want her to know, I feel like she's probably trapped up in some sort of help institute and very lonely. I am the only one who knows about her illness so I don't know if she's hoping for a hand or what. I called my friends that go to her school and they haven't seen her around. I am assuming she's getting serious help, which I am very happy for...it's not good knowing what she's doing will kill her in a matter of years. Regardless...I just am so confused right now and so drained from battling my feelings and shit for so long. Even writing this to the end was really hard for me. I just want to know what she's thinking at times like this, and I just need some direction. Yes, I want her back...but I know now is not the time so I just handle my business like a grown man, tell her I'll be there for her if she needs me and just hope for the best...it's all I can do I guess.