SRS I REALLY need advice on what to do with this girl situation *really long*

Genocide

Why does my W look like a peace sign?!
Aug 29, 2003
6,560
Pasadena, CA
BACKSTORY: So I met this girl ( let's call her mary) in november of '09, she had only had sex with one guy and that was her ex boyfriend who she was in a relationship with on and off for 6 years (she was 19 when I met her). So we hit it off really good at first, she would tell me how lucky she was to have met me and all that, and she was actually the one who kissed me about two weeks after we started talking. On december 9 of '09 I went to Jordan for 2 weeks and I would email her every day, the day after I came back we had sex for the first time, and then again like two days after that, then right after we had sex she told me "I have a tendency to hurt guys, and I don't want to hurt you", I brushed it off like she was just trying to open up or something but I guess she was trying to tell me she didn't want to talk anymore. So first she told me that there were things she needs to do before she gets serious with anyone and that was her reason. Then about a week later we sent emails about it (she kept saying she was busy when I wanted to get coffee) and in the email she said she just wasn't feeling it anymore and that she felt dumb for having sex with me because she was crazy in love with her ex when she had sex with him and with me it wasn't even like that. I was crushed 'cause I REALLY like this girl, none the less, she gave off the vibe that she hated me and her best friend would tell my friend if I was at a place she wouldn't be there because she just didn't like me...I found out she got with her ex 3-4 months later and we didn't talk at all until about June or July of '11

CURRENT STORY: Her best friend is one of my friends and she always talked about mary when I'm around, ALWAYS. She would bring her up for the stupidest things, and I would see mary around the gym and we'd wave but that was it. In june or july she came up to me at the gym and apologized for what happened a year and a half ago, but we didn't really communicate too much after that. I'd be cold with her at the gym when I saw her. Her best friend started asking me to hang out with her and her boyfriend and smoke weed or whatever and every time we hung out she'd bring mary up again. So one day I invited mary, her friend, and her friends boyfriend over to my house to drink and just chill, everything was going good. That night mary mentioned she had never shot a handgun, so the next day I offered to take her to shoot one and she was down so we decided on that friday.

That tuesday I ran into her at the gym and gave her a little bit more attention that usual, and later that night we were texting and she asked me if I was down to hang out and maybe go to the gym and smoke or something the next day because she was off, I told her I was down for that. After that day, we hung out a lot, maybe 3 or 4 times a week. Her best friend would tell me to go to her house because her, her bf, and mary were gonna get in the hot ub and i should come too, they made plans to go to universal haunt with just the four of us, would talk about doing a bunch of other stuff. She would do things that made me think she was into me. She always played with her hair, touched me when she talked, we would finish up cardio at the gym and she'd wait for me on the stairs while i was changing and we'd walk out together and talk for 15 minutes by her car, the first time I saw her with eyeliner on I told her that I liked it and everyday after that she had it on, she's really good at tennis so we'd go and play tennis and all that, this lasted about 2 and a half weeks, up until last friday. I tried to kiss her and she totally denied it saying "we shouldn't go down that path again because I know myself and everytime I get serious with a guy it ends up bad" and the very next day her friend texted me asking me what I was doing that night and that she wanted to go out and drink or something (it never happened). My whole dilemma is, would a girl really hang out with a guy that much if she wasn't into him? I know she's been hurt a lot by her ex and all that but what do you think the problem is? I mean I always made her laugh when we were together so I know she's having fun, but I'm just confused because girls like this are rare and I want to find a way to make it work, sorry for the novel, I just need some advice
 

mg

OT Supporter
Jul 19, 2005
8,337
North America
What exactly was your response when Mary told you, "every time I get serious with a guy...?"

Have you ever asked Mary's best friend for her opinion since you say she is always bringing her up?
 
TS
TS
Genocide

Genocide

Why does my W look like a peace sign?!
Aug 29, 2003
6,560
Pasadena, CA
Well I kinda made the situation awkward 'cause I was so confused, lol. I was just like "if it's me that's not a problem at all just tell me it's me so I know" and she was like "it's not you", but can you ever really trust that? I apologized the next day through a text saying "Hey sorry for last night, I completely misread the situation" to which she replied "No you have nothing to be sorry for, seriously no worries" and I didn't reply, and 30 minutes later she sends a text saying "Again, it was my fault because I got too close which is my mistake I'm sorry" then I said "Don't apologize to me please, just accept my apology and let's move forward, here we'll try again...Hey sorry for last night I completely misread the situation" and she said "I was so high I don't even remember lmao" and when I bumped into her at the gym on monday I was laughing and saying "look it wasn't until you left and I sobered up that I realized how unnecessarily awkward I made the situation" and she was like "no you didn't you have a right to know why, and I don't even know what you're talking about" then we moved on.

I have been thinking about talking to her friend about it, I tried to hang out with her friend and her bf on sunday but I guess they were hung over and lazy from the night before. I don't wanna come off as desperate, but I'm thinking of saying something along the lines of "So me and mary were hanging out a lot and I thought she was into me but when I tried to kiss her she totally denied me, which is cool, I mean I actually enjoy her company so I don't mind being friends with her at all, I just need to know that I can trust her, and if she's afraid to hurt my feelings I know I can't trust her, and you know her better than I do, so what's her deal?"

I ran into her at the gym last night again, I gave her a hug and she saw me without gel for the first time ever so she came up to me like "omg can I touch it? I've never seen you like this, I love it I just wanna play with it" but I didn't give her too much attention, and I let her touch it for like a second, then went back to my work out and she walked away.
 
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Recolas

Bring me back to fallen town Where someone is stil
May 6, 2004
823
stafford, CT
She's into you. I dated a girl exactly like that a while back. If you really want this girl, you have to put her fears to rest. The "i hurt eveyone i get serious with" is a common excuse, but if her experience with serious relationships is limited, she could be being honest. If this is the case, you just need to get her thinking about the best case scenario instead of the worst case, which she is currently fixated on.

Be subtle, elude to a future relationship, and remember, that if she's not just throwing excuses, shes timid, and don't rush things. Take your time, be smart, and she'll make the first move.
 

deusexaethera

OT Supporter
Jan 27, 2005
18,592
She's attracted to you, but she doesn't know what the hell she wants out of life, and she's stuck on that stupid idea women keep giving each other that it's only possible to focus on one significant goal at a time, so she's trying to steer clear of you until she accomplishes whatever her other goals are first. If men acted that way, nothing would ever get done -- and the human race would go extinct.
 

MattThom01

Active Member
Jan 2, 2006
8,506
i think the other posters have given good insight into what may be going on in her mind, so I'm going to address the situation from your end.

How much time and effort are you willing to give in order for her to figure out what she wants? I think you need to give yourself a cutoff point, otherwise you could end up waiting for a long time and being unhappy and frustrated.

Only she can really figure out what she wants to do. You can try to guide her in one direction, but it is ultimately up to her.
 

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