hung up on Katie. that's the name of, well, her. every song i hear that reminds of her makes my whole body start shaking and makes me want to cry. Green Day - September Ends is on right now. i just want to start crying because i miss her so much. my whole body just feels weak like, it can't go on. i'm so depressed right now i don't evem WANT to go on but everyday i trudge through. I'm taking IT courses right now that i spent 24k on, for 6 months of classes, and i'm doing terrible. i took a cert test last week, the XP Pro exam, and scored a 450/1000. problem is, people in my class are morons and i KNOW what i'm talking about on these exams. i just fuck up the tests. i fuck everything up. i fucked my relationship up, i fucked college up for the 2 years i went and now i'm fucking this up. i'm going to be making 8-10 for the rest of my miserable life. I'm tired of feeling like everything i've done in my life has been wrong. i don't know how to save my money, all i want to do is feel good, so i spend all my money on going out and trying to feel good. it's all an illusion though, because the only time i do feel good is when i'm with her. we're on good terms.... going on vacation next week with her, hopefully it will be good. i just don't know what to do. i don't want to meet anyone else. i want to spend the rest of my life with her. i had an ex g/f who i thought the same about. but it wasn't anything like this. nothing at all. i feel so helpless, like my life is spinning out of control and i can't do anything except sit on the side and watch. hopefully i can get some anti-depressants to rid myself of these sad feelings. i used to think people who took anti-depressants were lame, but now i know why. when you just don't want to go on anymore you need something. i don't give a fuck if it's a drug creating the illusion of me being happy, that's what i want. all i fucking want is her back.