Alright, i dont know where to begin this thing but I know i need something in my life because i am at a very low here. To start things off ill just fill in a little bit of background information, i am 17 years old i live with my parents and sisters and brother. My mom is a hard worker and does whatever she can for us but now she has this disease that limits what she can do. My dad is very intelligent but has had alot of problems in his life and is an alcoholic/drug addict. My sisters are both out of highschool and have jobs so they can make it, both try to go to school but neither know what they want to do or have the money to pay for schooling. My little brother is 13 years old and he refuses to go to school and has been that way for the past 3 years. Its pretty much what you would expect from a broken home. Its pretty hard right now to encapsulate all that i feel into words but ill give it best shot. Ill start with the family and money. You see my family has always struggled with money but always found a way to make it because my mom had a job and we knew how much she was getting paid and when, well she cannot work anymore because of the disease she has. She wants to but her doctor will not allow it. So we have been living off of her disability from work and food stamps, which was fine until they switched her to SSI. SSI has been terrible and we have been having major troubles with them and her checks being on time and everything. So we've been squeezing through the cracks and now school is creeping up on us quick and me and my little brother both need school clothes and we have no money for either of us(we are hoping that my little brother goes this year, or its a detention center for him). My sisters both try to throw in money but they are being pushed to their limits as well, so they have little to none to spare. So i go through my days hearing my mom crying about money and wondering how we're going to get through this one, then go to hear my dad bitch money(even though he is a addict he is a good person...) then they tell me i might need to get a job in order to get school clothes this year but the thing is i have been trying since i lost my old job(i worked at a rite aid and they cut my boss's hours and she had to lay all the part time people off). The problem is there is no place around here hiring, and i refuse to work at mcdonalds(and they arent even hiring!), i do not like being around people and would end up killing someone if i had to work there everyday. I live in an area that is heavy in drugs and alot of drug dealers live down town(where i live). Except for early this summer the cops shut down the big people in the big city where the little guys around us get their drugs, so our town has about 1/3 the amount of drug dealers and amount of drugs than it did this time last year. Which is a good thing. But I know some of the people that are left and know the few big time guys that are left and they need a new way to move the drugs and get it out there better. After i heard it i devised a plan in my head of how i could do this, and according to my plan i could help get this town back to the way it was before. But how could i do that to all those families like mine? How could i force kids to look into their fathers eyes like i look in mine when they are all drugged out? The other idea i had to make money was to rob a bank( i know both of these ideas are crazy but i have formulated plans for both and they both will succeed if i follow through with them). I have devised the best plan to get away with it easy. Please dont think im a bad person i just am pushed to the limit here and dont know what else to do, also please dont say something like "well if you spent half the time looking for a job as you did thinking about robbing a bank then you would be good" because i dont need to hear that and its not true. Next topic is my love life, which hardly exists. You see i have never been in a real relationship, i think this is because i am terrible with showing my feelings to other people and when i finally show them to girls its too late. But this one girl, i thought i finally found someone who i could have a serious relationship with, we even hung out a few times and whatnot but now i think that something has happened and she doesnt want to be with me, i just get that vibe from her now. She doesnt even want to hang out anymore or anything. This wouldnt even be a big deal but its just like everytime i get something nice in my life, everytime theres something that will get me closer to happiness then it gets taken away. I feel as if im cursed, i also feel that i have nothing left. I even prayed to God to give me something because i need something and i dont even believe in him anymore. I am spending alot of time by myself now, i even walk alone at night down the alleyways and streets(which isnt safe where i live) just because im looking for something. My whole life i have been looking for something and never found it, but i feel as if i need something, i need a reason to keep going. All i have at the moment is my anger and sadness, which are highs and lows. Yesterday i was walking around town looking for this kid that pissed me off because i wanted to release onto something, i wanted to stop his head into the concrete to show him how pissed off i was but i wasnt even pissed at him. Then after i got home a wave of extreme sadness hit me, and i went to chill down by the river just so i could be alone. No i am not on any medication. Do you guys think i need to be sent to some sort of psychologist, but the thing with that is im scared if i tell him everything that goes on in my mind then he will have me sent away to some sort of institution, which would just make me worse. I look at myself and sometimes i think i could be bipolar which my father and my grandfather are, and i think my great grandfather is too. I take after my fathers side of the family on everything else, maybe it was inevitable for me from the beginning? Well thats all i want to put in this thread, i dont want to expose too much of my life for some reason. If anyone wants to know anything else about me or wants me to pm them then just say so in this thread and i will. I will probably end up thinking of more things i should have said in here and regret not saying them right after i send it but oh well.