Ive actually came to realize though that my best friend isn't about to do shit in life because hes smoking his life away, I understand some people smoke weed but he can't handle his hes just unmotivated and act like nothing matters when he hasn't even talked to any other girls other then this semi-fat girl whom he tries to keep a secret, when I know that he could do way better if he just cleaned him self up. At the same time while I type this its like I contradict myself sometimes because I feel him bringing me down with him. I feel as if I never met him and we went our separate ways that I'd be way better off without him. At the same time its like I don't want to alienate my self from him because hes been my boy since 6th grade and I think another reason is because ever since I was a kid I've had a best friend so I think I attach myself to close to people. He doesn't even have a job yet and sits around smoking weed all day, here I am living at my own place on my own hard earned dollar and he is out getting busted by his parents the third time for selling weed. The more I think about it the more this dude is just dead weight to me is bringing me way down. A part of me wants to help him out and sit down and talk but its like talking to a one of those dolls with a string attached and when u pull it, it says the same thing over and over again. Ive been bummed out all day and I think this is the reason why and i think its primarily because if I can't help my own best friend how am I going to help myself? I just can't think of anything to say to him and when I do see him and think I have something to say I don't say it because it just goes straight to the joking that made us best friends in the first place. Its like a monkey on my back. At the same time i partially blame my self for this because I go into depression states for no reason at all and I'm beginning to believe that its because of this situation. I have basically no fun doing anything anymore, I just kind of do it because I have to. Sometimes I get so nervous about going to public places that its actually extremely unenjoyable to be there (This makes no sense because I am a DJ and I perform in front of crowds of beautiful women). For instants at the gym, ill go around talking to all my friends at the gym becasue I'll be happy and other times when I feel down its my worse fear to bump into my own friends and have a simple conversation becasue I feel like I'm not myself and that im going to let them down on my personality. I've also come to realize lately that I simply am scared to open up to people and find it very hard to talk about my feelings to anyone including my parents and its been that way for a while. As of now I feel super lonely and I feel though as I put on a front of my actual self, sometimes it feels like the things I do are simply based on others expectations. I honestly am just typing what ever I think because im in such a mind fuck right now. I'm not the type of person at all to open up to a message board or to anyone. I'm sitting at home on a fucking friday night beause I told my self I need to study for a career making oportunity but I havent studied all day because I can't even fucking concentrate. I'm sick and tired of being bottled up, I think i need to see a fucking shrink. It doesn't even feel good to get all that off of my chest I just feel pathetic now. I'm a DJ I make way more then I should at my age Not bad looking. This fucking sucks right now, I wish it would just go away so I could be happy and make some more and new friends or something, I can't even make any more new friends because I feel like this. Its like I completely forgot how to properly communicate with people.