Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Swak, Jan 25, 2007.
Sometime I wish that heart would just stop.
i know the feeling. i fuckin HATE my job. it's actually pretty cake, but i'm just so sick of sales. they monitor the number of phone calls we make per day, and i've been padding my numbers by calling 20 or so fax machines per day (i'll just let it go through it's beeping until it hangs up on me so the phone call is as long as possible) because i just don't want to do this shit any more.
i seriously need to go back to college, but i don't know what i would actually WANT to do for 40 hours a week
kinda sad that i'm 27 and have absolutely no direction
I am the kid in the group who is ahead of the game. I have a good income, bought a house at 23.. Yet.. I want to stab myself in the face. I came to the conclusion that the whole don't bottle up your problems is finally kicking me back. And its taking a toll on my social, mental, and physical life.
Don't make your heart a murder hole. And like a farmer, don't put too much hay on your fork, if the load becomes to heavy and more then you can bear you will fall. You might want to bring your life back into calmer waters. And it would be nice to know what is sending you thru an all time low, remember. A problem that isn't discussed cannot be solved , so just spit it out on what is bothering you.
*before i say certain shit, the reason why i don't talk about stuff is because i never wanted to burden anyone in my life with my own issues, or feel like the basketcase or the person looking for pity or sympathy. That is why i never talk to a lot of people and mostly reason when people first me i am very to myself.. Id rather bury the issue and pretend everything is alright but i will go ahead and spit some shit on here of what i have been going thru my head*
The biggest fall out I have with this is that I keep everything bottled up. When I was young my mother and stepfather had a divorce they forced me to go to see professional help, which was a waste. I couldn't talk to him for shit about anything. I have always been good about keeping secrets and never talking about what bothered me. usually i could bury things and not worry about it. But now i am realizing all my dark secrets of who i am or what i had to go through are colliding together. Some of it is coming from stress from the family due to my sister getting tossed into rehab which is good for her but is refreshing some old issues with my mother and her history of issues that have plagued my life. I could go on days about her. My step father on the other hand I work for. I hate my job. I hate his partner. He comes in everyday fucked up on pills and drinking and has no clue on how to control this company and is bringing it slowly to a doomful fall. And guess what i work for his partner so i report and have to listen to this fuck up.
Wow.. I kind of have to stop this post. Because i am pretty sure half of it doesn't make sense, my thoughts were all over the place.. sorry.
Start taking control of your life. You're letting yourself be victim to other people's actions as well as your own demons. Don't like your job? Quit and get another. Can't face your demons? Go see a counsellor. Can't relate to the counselor? Find another one. Life is more enjoyable when you're in the driver's seat.
Can relate to it pretty much. I was a person too who was putting all my skeletons in the closet, but one day when there's no more room ,the thing will burst and you will have all the skeletons falling over you at once. I also never discussed it, from family side on, it was more or less learned not to bother other people with your problems.
But then came a turning point, when i saw that talking to other people is normal and that bothering other people is different then harassing them. Its actually a form of helping, if you can help someone out who asks a question, or if another person can help out you with something, then both parties can benefit from helping eachothers. So instead of thinking , ' i might bother that person ' think: what difference does it make?, just ask. You already have no, and you might get yes.
And its no wonder you closed yourself up, being forced to talk is nothing more then simular to a police interrogation ,
It should have been done like you did in here, volentarily making your own choice to talk or not. That way you can decide for yourself wether or not you put your trust in someone. And with that trust you can open yourself up.
From your parents point of view it may have been done because they were afraid you would suffer emotional trauma due to the break up and divorce they were going thru. Which from one point would been have bothersome to you to say the least, but from the other hand you could say that 'they took you in consideration' which is nothing less then a miracle compared to all the divorcing families that don't. You could convince your step-dad to kick his partner out, if that gets you kicked out then you can find a new job of your liking, if he gets kicked out it should become nicer at the job , so either way it would be a win win situation for you.
Maby you could also post some of the main issues you have with your mom.
Dark you have some good advice, and I am glad your posting.
Might as well start from the dirtiest skeleton with my mother.. Which would involve a secret that only my close friends really know. When I was 13 I knew my mom wasn't alright, but I was still innocent to the idea of what was wrong. My mom acted strange a lot around the home and at this time I was living in the guesthouse, she would think people were trying to kill her or cause harm to us. Which I always joked and said she was crazy. Well one night while my best friend at the time was sleeping over the time was around 1-2 in the morning we were past out. I hear a banging on the door, so I tell my friend to go get it. He in a daze gets up and answers it. Suddenly the lights turn on and i see my mother run into my room and jump on my bed. Left hand has a picture of me and my sister, the other a bible. She grabs me by shirt and all I can remember her is repeating to me "Do you love me?".. This is while I am half asleep (i also noticed her lips were dark red as if she was wearing black lipstick) and I keep saying yes i do .... and she refused to believe me. next thing she collapses and i see several fire dept people run in and pick her up and bring her to my living room setting her on the floor.. I don't want to feel in the dirty details but basically that night, the fire dept explained that my mother had an overdose and died momentarily in my room. I had to watch them revive my mother. That is one skeleton.
Seeing how your mother has lost it, i can bring more understanding as to why they got divorced in the first place. Clearly disfunctional and when using drugs, the household is only likely to fall apart , no blame on your part of course whatsoever, but since parents are supposed to act as a role-model, i don't think you could have it any worse. She suffered from paranoia and seeing how they resucitated your mom after a drug overdosage can definitly lead to long term trauma images. Nasty to say the least, for me only time healed the trauma, when i started to put the pieces of the puzzle together and looked from it in perspective i could percieve how things had come to be that led to the trauma, that made me understand why, and me being able to give it a place. Its still nasty, but i can live better with it as time progresses, i only can hope you can do the same thing too. Talking about it helps.
geez, and I thought I had it bad...
Actually talking about some of the things above yesterday on this thread, really started to help me. I am on the side and have been making a constant effort to quit this job. Reason be I have been working closely on starting my own business. I know its no easy task so I am kind of stuck having to take the flak from my current job. Especially because I have a mortgage and other things in teh balance that I do not want to sacrifice. Earlier today I talked to one of my close but pretty new friends and she agreed to help me by letting me talk to her. It was a pretty edgey step for me to do in the first place since I usually wouldn't even get to the point of asking someone. My job is a beast within itself to deal with. I am going to have to learn to be a little bit stronger for the next few months til I can cut the rope here at the office and continue on with my life. I guess its a matter of putting my self on the line to other people and get over the fear of being judged in terms of what I am or have experienced. This in turn I hope my friend can be open minded enough to discuss my past relationships with me since that is one subject I have never talked about to anyone. Which will be interesting since last night I learned that she seemed to have an interest in me but she at the moment is having issues with her ex (its sad that i find out a lot of girls find interest in me and want to pursure more but with the current way I am, i tend to be ignorant to the situation so they give up). I could be totally wrong, but that is the impersonation I got. I am just hoping that when I actually sit down, that I talk.
I want to encourage and motivate you into keep on going for gold in your life, however i do think that you should stay out of relationships until you have secured your position. Also be aware that not everyone is a decent person to spit out your private life too, its a commendable thing that you had the courage to talk about all these things, but remember it makes a great difference wether you throw yourself in a lions cage or a sheep cage. =\ So although you shouldn't make your heart a murder hole, don't get murdered in the process of opening your heart.
This is why you should have a life outside the office. Work is what it is: WORK. It's unpleasant shit you must do so that you have afford the pleasant stuff.
All jobs suck after a while. If you don't think your job sucks, it's because you haven't done it long enough.