I guess I'll start with a little history lesson. My mother left my father and I when I was three years old. I was somewhere, my dad picked me up, and we came home to find that she had packed some of her things and taken off. Turns out she drove to California, we were in Texas. Now I don't remember many details but I've been told it completely broke my dad's heart, as you can imagine, and I was really upset over it too. A few years later my dad remarried to the woman he's still married to today. She had a daughter four years older than me, and they haven't had any kids together. I missed my mother for years and finally when I was nine, my grandma and I went to see her for a week or so. When I was twelve, she moved back down here and lived with my grandma. While she was gone, she had a baby girl, who, at the time, was only a couple of years old. After about six months, she vanished again, without telling anyone. She moved back to California. There was little contact for a couple of years, when my dad called her one day behind my back and told me there was a phone call for me. I talked to her for a few minutes, hung up, and told him very sternly to never do that again. I'll be 24 this week and my only contact with her in the past ~10 years, other than a few birthday or Christmas cards which I always hated getting, has been on Christmas day when I was 17. I was at my grandma's and answered the phone, it was her. She asked for my grandma, I gave her the phone. They talked for a few minutes and then she asked to speak to me. My grandma told her I might not want to, but she asked me anyway. I declined. She actually made a trip down here and saw my grandma and some other family members. I think I was 19 at the time. I chose not to see her, even though she wanted to see me. She's had three more children since she had left the second time, bringing the total of my half-siblings to four now. So as you can tell, I hated her for leaving me...twice. I wrote her out of my life and never looked back. The problem is that now, I'm starting to realize how big of am impact that's had on my life. I thought I had moved on from it, healed, and was doing just fine. But that's not the case at all. I've got a whole slew of issues stemming from her leaving me that I'm just now starting to realize, but that's another thread. Now, I've been in a major funk for the past couple of months. I've been wanting to call her lately. But it hasn't been because I want to reconcile or anything like that. I just want to go off on her. I never got a real answer from her about why she left me. I'm not even sure I want it, I just want to yell at her and tell her how bad she's fucked me up. I want to tell her that even if I was a mistake to her, I'm worth it. But I think I want to say that to convince myself of that, more so than convincing her. So am I wrong for wanting to do this? I've had so many people tell me I should talk to my mother. I mean, she wants to talk to me, always has, but I've just rejected and ignored her all these years. But the truth is, I don't want to talk to her. I don't want her in my life. But I just have all this frustration built up inside that I didn't even know was there, and I just want to explode on her. Thanks for reading, I realize it's a lot, but man I needed to vent.